Love Wins

I have to preface this post by saying that this is really hard for me to do.  Several years ago I posted about same-sex marriage, which revealed a few things about my relationships with some friends.  I learned that the friends who I met through a Catholic Church at a Catholic event with mostly Catholics in attendance, were so against the teachings of the Catholic Church that they were willing to actually tell me that we could no longer be friends because I believe in the Catholic Church's teachings on same-sex marriage (actually, to clarify, I believe in ALL of the teachings of the Catholic Church, which just happens to include these teachings on same-sex marriage).  I was actually un-invited to a very close friend's wedding - a female friend who was marrying a man - simply because I believe and stand for the Church's teachings.  It was a very painful experience for me.  It is because of this that I am hesitant to express my views on this topic.  My views, which are not new or even really insightful.  But, alas, I feel like I should probably say them anyway.  I know what you're thinking...

Ok!  Ok!  I'll stop procrastinating.

I don't hate gay people.  In fact, I don't hate any person.  Although I hate the things that some people do, I tend to be very compassionate towards even the worst people, people who actually do bad things on purpose, with the intention of hurting others, like criminals.  The fact that there are criminals and bad people and people who want to hurt people, means that there is a problem that is bigger than just that particular situation (sorry to be so repetitive, but you're going to see that a lot in this post).  A person is not just born a bad person.  They are made bad by circumstances in their lives.  We, those who live with, nearby, and even far away from criminals still contribute to their choices.  There is a whole society and world to blame for the fact that some people turn into "bad" people. 

Now, somebody is inevitably going to say that because I talked about "bad people" in a post about gay marriage, that I "obviously" think that gay people are bad.  Sorry.  That is not what I think.  It was just an example to show that I really don't believe in the idea of "bad" people at all.  I believe that we are all created "good."  I believe that if you polled every person alive and asked the question, "Is love good?" and "Is love valuable?" and "Would our world be better if everyone just loved one another?" and "Do you like love?" every person would say yes to those questions.  People want love.  They long for love.  They crave it.  What people can't agree upon is the definition of love.  And that is where we have a problem.  People aren't bad.  People don't want evil, sin, injustice, hunger or pain.  I believe in the goodness of people.

My point is, I don't hate gay people.  I don't hate people.  But I do think that sin is sin, no matter the circumstances surrounding it.  Most gay people have the idea that marriage is about love, that it is an expression of love, and that it is therefore, not only a right, but almost a necessity.  The world needs love!  How true that is!  They think, with good intentions, that marriage is about increasing the love in the world.  If that were true, trust me, I'd be on board with same-sex marriage, too.

Uh oh!  I said hell!  To clarify:  I don't think that just because a person is gay or supports gay marriage, that they are going to hell.  Read the next paragraph for an explanation as to why.  This picture was simply meant to bring about the point that good intentions, like I talked about previously, can lead to bad things.

I don't think that gay people are evil.  I don't think that, in general, they are out to hurt anybody intentionally.  Some Catholics act like gay people are out to get them.  That they are just such bad people that they are trying to sell the world to the devil.  Many gay people act like Catholics are out to get them.  Like we are out to ruin their way of life as a power trip.  That we hate them and therefore want to hurt them.  Honestly, I don't think that there are many people in the world who actually want to hurt others.  Frequently, hurt comes as a result of a misunderstanding, which seems to be the case here.  I think that gay-marriage is bad for the world for a number of reasons, but mostly because I believe it is sinful, and anytime anybody sins, it just increases the evil in the world - whether or not the person intends to increase the sin in the world or not.  I just don't think that they see it that way, and so there is a big misunderstanding.  But, I do believe in a loving and merciful God, who, at our moments of death, will show us the ways we have mistakenly and unintentionally hurt others, and He will give us a chance to make amends for those things, to choose Him, and to choose life.  All of us have hurt people without meaning to do so.

See, to me, purity is a big deal.  Self-control is a big deal.  And I practice those things regularly.  If you know me, you know that I believe that purity is important.  I am very careful about protecting my purity, and the purity of those around me.  I, too, feel the burden of loneliness as a result of living a pure lifestyle.  I have felt that loss.  I felt that loss today even.  Being 30, single, and pure is hard, and it feels impossible to ever find someone my age who also holds these values as dearly as I do.  Maybe I never will.  I have grieved over non-existent relationships, events I had to attend alone, embarrassing conversations with people who don't understand why I believe what I believe.  So, when I advocate for purity, know that I am not just telling others to do something that I have not experienced myself.

I know that gay people say that it's not a choice, and I'm not suggesting that it is a choice.  That feeling feelings for someone is not something that you can control.  I'm not saying they can control that part of it.  I am saying that they must control their actions.  Just like I must control my actions when I have feelings for someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings.

There are a lot of people who are born with circumstances that are outside of their control.  There are people who are born into poverty.  Those people are still expected to live virtuous lives.  There are people who are born with diseases.  Those people are still expected to live virtuous lives.  There are people who are born with parents who are addicted to drugs.  People who have depression.  People who have physical disabilities.  They are still expected to live virtuous lives.  None of these things are things that God created for us.  There is a difference between the way that God created you, and the way that you were born.  God created you good.  He created you perfectly.  He did NOT create us with original sin.  But we are born with it.  Jeremiah 1:5 says

You see?  "Before you were formed, I knew you!"  BEFORE!  God created you perfectly, but original sin is fast, and it gets into our DNA and changes what God started.  Psalm 139:13 says,

God created you and everyone perfectly, but sin caused us harm.  So often people say things like, "You were created with cancer for a reason, to teach others how to suffer with joy."  That's just not true.  You were not created with any defects, pain, or illness.  You were just born that way.  And God used your circumstances to bring Him glory, to bring others joy, to spread love.  God can use you even in the bleakest of circumstances.  Just like Joseph did in Genesis, He can use your bad situation for good.

A person who is born gay might be born that way, but they were not created by God that way.  God did not "give" this to any person.  And yes, they still are expected to live a virtuous life, which includes purity.  It includes chastity.  You cannot make the excuse, "Well, I was born this way" to defend immoral living.  The Bible makes it abundantly clear that homosexual acts are sinful.  They go against God's Divine Design.  They aren't what we are created for.  Marriage is supposed to bring about life through children, and children are an impossibility in the case of gay marriage.  It's as simple as that.

Earlier this summer, when the gay-marriage laws passed in the Supreme Court, everywhere you looked you saw the hashtag "lovewon."  But that wasn't my experience that day.  I didn't see love on social media, in the stores, or anywhere I looked.  I saw people being horrible to one-another.

There are two realities here.  One is that Jesus, aka God, aka Love, conquered 2,000 years ago.  Yes, love already won the war.  But it is our job to fight the battles.  And I'll tell you what, I have seen so many battles where love lost.  Battles where love lost because Catholics were using their words and their actions to needlessly increase pain and suffering among the gay community, and I have seen love lose because gay people and same-sex marriage supporters used their words and actions to needlessly increase the pain and suffering among those who oppose them.  In fact, in both cases, some even appear to take pleasure in increasing the pain and suffering.  It's one thing to cause pain and suffering in order to correct a bad situation (like a doctor must increase pain and suffering in a patient by performing surgery, but that surgery ultimately heals the person and increases their joy later), it's another thing entirely to try to hurt someone for the sake of hurting them, or because it brings you joy.

Catholics, come on!  Be better than you've been.  All of you (note, I include myself in the "all of you" category).  We can correct bad behavior without attacking a person's dignity.  You don't have to be nice, but don't be cruel.  Honestly, we, as a group, have been losing the fight of love for a long time.  We haven't always been compassionate.  We haven't always been willing to listen.  We don't often correct with kindness.  We don't often remember that this is a big deal, and that asking a gay person to live a chaste life is asking a whole lot from them.  Asking them to give up a marriage for your personal beliefs is not an easy thing to do.  We need to understand that we are talking about people's lives here.  And even though we know and believe in the Truth, they don't.  It's hard enough to ask someone who does submit to these teachings to give so much up; it's nearly impossible to ask if they don't believe.  I fear that we are approaching this from the wrong angle. 

And if you are for same-sex marriage, and you use(d) the hashtag "lovewon," well...prove it!  Because, I'll tell you what, if what you as a community promotes as "love" is truly love, I want nothing to do with it.  There was cruelty, hatred, and ugliness in your response to that ruling.  It was not attractive to me at all.

I don't hate gay people.  But I do believe in, submit to, and even promote the teachings of the Catholic Church.  I have hope in the True Love who won 2,000 years ago, and I wish that I will participate in any small battle that advances the army of love on Earth today.

Dating the Catholic Way - Part 4 (Integrity)

Secrets and lies never work out the way that we think they will.  Never.  And when the secret or lie involves someone we care a lot about, well, when feelings get involved, it never ends well. 

A good standard to set for yourself is that, if you have to keep something a secret, or if you have to lie about something, then you shouldn't be doing that thing.  Period.  There is no question about it.  Secrets and lies are always wrong (maybe with the exception of a surprise party...maybe).

The simple truth is that dating is supposed to lead to marriage.  And a marriage is made when two people make promises to each other.  And if your dating relationship is full of secrets and lies, well then, as they say, practice makes perfect (or as my boss would say, practice makes permanent).

"Practice doesn't make perfect.  Practice makes permanent.  Perfect practice makes perfect" ~ Richard Deanda

 

 

 

The things that you do while you are dating will be the things that you do while you are married.  Habits are hard to break.  Nearly impossible.  If you practice keeping secrets in your dating life, then you are going to continue doing so as a married person. 

I try to live my life so that I won't ever even feel the need to keep a secret or tell a lie.  I'm pretty much a coward.  I know that if I do something wrong, I am really going to struggle fessing up to it.  But if I don't, I also know that my conscience will pretty much destroy me.  It's a good way to live life, though.  It is much easier to suffer in a moment, then to give into something that I will want to keep from someone.  Either way, I'm going to suffer. 

Integrity seems like a no-brainer.  But it is something that many couples lack.  Work on honesty.  Be brave.  Do what's right.  Your life as a whole will be much better if you do. 

Dating the Catholic Way - Part 3 (All About Me)

If you subscribe to the ideas that are presented in movies, you probably think that being in a relationship means that being in a relationship is all about the way that YOU are treated.  Why?  Because that's kind of what we see in movies and TV.

Now, again, I've said it before, but the thing about movies and TV is that their primary goal is to entertain.  And it is entertaining to watch romantic comedies.  The problem comes into play when we start to think that we deserve something in a relationship.  That it's about the way that you should be treated.  Something that we have to constantly remember is that you are not entitled to a relationship with anybody. 

Don't get me wrong, you do deserve some things.  What do you deserve?  You deserve to be treated with dignity.  You deserve to be treated with respect.  You deserve to be treated with love, understanding, and kindness.  And you deserve the truth.  You are, after all, made in the image and likeness of God, and as such, you deserve to be treated like the royalty that you are.  That being said, the person you are in a relationship also deserves those things.  This is not a one-way street.

I heard somewhere that a good rule of thumb for learning if you are a loving person is to look closely at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  We've all heard this passage 1,000 times:  love is patient.  Love is kind.  I used to get really annoyed about this passage, but I couldn't really figure out why it annoyed me so much.  I think that I came to realize that what I saw was that people thought that this was a very romantic definition of love.  That confuses me.  In fact, it is a very difficult definition of love (difficult doesn't mean false, though).  Think about it, if I were to replace the word "Love" with my own name, would this statement still be true?  That...Krissy is patient.  Krissy is kind.  Krissy does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud.   Krissy does not dishonor others, she is not self-seeking, she is not easily angered, she keeps no record of wrongs. Krissy does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  Krissy always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Krissy never fails.Yikes!  Again, this is not a list of things that we should get, but it's a list of things that we should give.  And I'll tell you what, I can look at this list and recognize the fact that no, I am NOT a perfect example of love.  Not even close.  It really shows me where I need to do work to be a better, more loving Catholic.  

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I can't speak for men on this, but I can speak for women, that so many women feel that they have to trick men into being or staying in relationships with them.  They use threats and ultimatums.  They use guilt.  Who wants to be in a relationship that is built on trickery?  I know that when I get into a dating relationship, I want the person who I am dating to WANT to be with me.  And as hard as it may be to admit that maybe the person I care deeply about doens't feel the same way about me, I recognize that I will be much happier if I terminate that relationship, than I will be by forcing him to be with me.  That's not love.

As noble as it is to demand that our dignity be repsected, pictures like the one below are really an example of a bad relationship.  It is good to expect protection, but this "or else" mentality is really harmful in a relationship.  A relationship should be about two people giving to the relationship.  You know what that picture does NOT do?  It doesn't say what the girl should do for the man in this situation.  It doesn't say that she should protect him, too.  Women have the unique ability to protect men in very specific situations, especially in their clothing choices and their modesty.  In order for this to be an example of a healthy relationship, these things must be reciprocated.

Love is difficult, but it is also good.  Just remember that your relationship is not about you...it is about both of you. 

Depression Hurts and You're Worth Fighting For

Too many people these days are affected by depression in some way or another.  Either you suffer from it, have suffered from it, or know someone who suffers/has suffered from it.  It's a problem that is getting worse and worse.

Depression is not a small thing.  It is big.  And to compare your depression to other people's problems is not helpful, good, or holy.  Let's pretend for a moment that depression was small, though.  Christ doesn't want to only save the "big" problems.  He wants to heal all of us.  Imagine if a doctor only would heal the "big" stuff.  He wouldn't be a very good doctor.  Well, Christ is the Good Doctor.  And He wants to heal you of your big stuff and your small stuff.

But, depression is big.  People literally die from it.  It should be treated like something that is deadly and serious.  When people are diagnosed with cancer, they always want to fight for their lives.  Depression is like cancer.  In order to overcome it, you have to fight for your life.  It's that serious.

Don't be fooled by the Bible verses that talk about worry.  Worry and depression are different things.  People who suffer from depression do tend to worry more, but that is a result of depression.  Christ would not be so heartless to just say, "Your depression is no excuse."  No, that's not like Christ at all.  Instead, He'd say, "Let me heal your depression, my beloved." 

As a Youth Minister, I often hear the question, "If God is good, why would He allow us to suffer?"  How could He allow depression to even exist?  After all, people don't choose depression. 

I don't know how people can survive without struggling with depression, if I'm honest.  In my own life, I have witnessed things that have to cause some sort of reaction in me.  These are things that haven't necessarily happened directly to me, but that I have witnessed just by turning on the news.  Things like the Oklahoma City Bombing, the OJ Simpson Trial, the Columbine Shootings, 9/11, the Aurora Theatre Shooting, the Sandy Hook Shootings, the Jessica Ridgeway kidnapping and murder.  I have grown so accustomed to these things that one of the first things that I do in the mornings when I wake up is to get on my phone, turn on my news app, and check to make sure that no disasters happened while I was asleep.  This is a horrible way to live.  And unfortunately, it is not uncommon.

With all of these types of things in our lives in such real and graphic ways, it's no wonder that anybody out there isn't depressed.  I mean, when I watch these things on the news, they make it so personal, and they give such detailed accounts for the events that took place that it seems as if the people who are involved are people who I know.  It seems like I experienced a personal loss.  It seems as if it's happening to me.

And then when something does happen to me, no matter how big or small that thing is, it gets more and more difficult to overcome.

So, is there no hope?  Are we all just doomed to be depressed?  Are we all going to watch as more and more people (younger and younger ones at that), commit suicide?  Just give up?

Of course, the answer is no.  We can't let that happen.  We won't let that happen.  There's too much good to live for.

But it's not going to be easy.  And we can't just ignore the things that bring us down.  We can't pretend like loved ones haven't died, or like tragedy hasn't ever happened.  We can't pretend to not be lonely.  We can't pretend to not be hurt.  Pretending will only make it worse.

Depression was not created by God.  This is not how He created us.  He created us to be happy.  To be truly happy is to be with Him in Heaven.  And the only way that we can get to Heaven is through Christ.  Keep reminding yourself of that when you want to give up.  No, that won't "fix" it necessarily, but hopefully it will give you the motivation to keep trying, especially when motivation is so difficult to come by.

Always remember that you are worth fighting for.  And to overcome the battle that is depression, you are going to have to fight for yourself.  Nobody else can fight that fight for you.  Your friends and family can encourage you, support you, guide you and love you through it, but if you aren't willing to fight, they can't do anything to help you. 

So go.  Go someplace private and say these words out loud, "I am worth fighting for.  I am worth fighting for.  I am worth fighting for.  And if that means that I have to fight for myself, than so be it, because I am worth fighting for!"  And then get help.  Don't just get help from a friend or a parent, but from a trained professional who can give you proven steps to recovery.  Let your friends and family know what it is that you need, and solicit their help, too. 

It will take time, and it might get frustrating and feel like a losing battle at times.  But even if you lose battles, you can still win the war. 

If you see a therapist, doctor, psychiatrist, etc., who doesn't encourage you to pray (especially when they know that you are faithful), than find someone new and find them fast.  Prayer is essential.  How many people has Christ healed?  Too many to count.  He did some amazing healings in Scripture, but those aren't all that He's done.  He continues to this day to heal.

Pray for those who suffer, too.  Remember, like I said before, that the person who truly must fight to overcome their depression is the one who suffers from it.  If you're watching a loved one refuse to fight, don't give up on them.  Keep fighting in your own ways, and pray that they join you.  Just love them.  Listen to them.  Pay attention to them.  And don't give up on them.  If you give up on them, what's stopping them from giving up on them?  You may be the only one they've got.

It's not easy. And it's not small. Fight.  Fight.  Fight.  Believe in Jesus.  And get help from those whom He has blessed with the ability to help you.