Dating the Catholic Way - Part 4 (Integrity)

Secrets and lies never work out the way that we think they will.  Never.  And when the secret or lie involves someone we care a lot about, well, when feelings get involved, it never ends well. 

A good standard to set for yourself is that, if you have to keep something a secret, or if you have to lie about something, then you shouldn't be doing that thing.  Period.  There is no question about it.  Secrets and lies are always wrong (maybe with the exception of a surprise party...maybe).

The simple truth is that dating is supposed to lead to marriage.  And a marriage is made when two people make promises to each other.  And if your dating relationship is full of secrets and lies, well then, as they say, practice makes perfect (or as my boss would say, practice makes permanent).

"Practice doesn't make perfect.  Practice makes permanent.  Perfect practice makes perfect" ~ Richard Deanda

 

 

 

The things that you do while you are dating will be the things that you do while you are married.  Habits are hard to break.  Nearly impossible.  If you practice keeping secrets in your dating life, then you are going to continue doing so as a married person. 

I try to live my life so that I won't ever even feel the need to keep a secret or tell a lie.  I'm pretty much a coward.  I know that if I do something wrong, I am really going to struggle fessing up to it.  But if I don't, I also know that my conscience will pretty much destroy me.  It's a good way to live life, though.  It is much easier to suffer in a moment, then to give into something that I will want to keep from someone.  Either way, I'm going to suffer. 

Integrity seems like a no-brainer.  But it is something that many couples lack.  Work on honesty.  Be brave.  Do what's right.  Your life as a whole will be much better if you do. 

Dating the Catholic Way - Part 3 (All About Me)

If you subscribe to the ideas that are presented in movies, you probably think that being in a relationship means that being in a relationship is all about the way that YOU are treated.  Why?  Because that's kind of what we see in movies and TV.

Now, again, I've said it before, but the thing about movies and TV is that their primary goal is to entertain.  And it is entertaining to watch romantic comedies.  The problem comes into play when we start to think that we deserve something in a relationship.  That it's about the way that you should be treated.  Something that we have to constantly remember is that you are not entitled to a relationship with anybody. 

Don't get me wrong, you do deserve some things.  What do you deserve?  You deserve to be treated with dignity.  You deserve to be treated with respect.  You deserve to be treated with love, understanding, and kindness.  And you deserve the truth.  You are, after all, made in the image and likeness of God, and as such, you deserve to be treated like the royalty that you are.  That being said, the person you are in a relationship also deserves those things.  This is not a one-way street.

I heard somewhere that a good rule of thumb for learning if you are a loving person is to look closely at 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  We've all heard this passage 1,000 times:  love is patient.  Love is kind.  I used to get really annoyed about this passage, but I couldn't really figure out why it annoyed me so much.  I think that I came to realize that what I saw was that people thought that this was a very romantic definition of love.  That confuses me.  In fact, it is a very difficult definition of love (difficult doesn't mean false, though).  Think about it, if I were to replace the word "Love" with my own name, would this statement still be true?  That...Krissy is patient.  Krissy is kind.  Krissy does not envy, she does not boast, she is not proud.   Krissy does not dishonor others, she is not self-seeking, she is not easily angered, she keeps no record of wrongs. Krissy does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  Krissy always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Krissy never fails.Yikes!  Again, this is not a list of things that we should get, but it's a list of things that we should give.  And I'll tell you what, I can look at this list and recognize the fact that no, I am NOT a perfect example of love.  Not even close.  It really shows me where I need to do work to be a better, more loving Catholic.  

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I can't speak for men on this, but I can speak for women, that so many women feel that they have to trick men into being or staying in relationships with them.  They use threats and ultimatums.  They use guilt.  Who wants to be in a relationship that is built on trickery?  I know that when I get into a dating relationship, I want the person who I am dating to WANT to be with me.  And as hard as it may be to admit that maybe the person I care deeply about doens't feel the same way about me, I recognize that I will be much happier if I terminate that relationship, than I will be by forcing him to be with me.  That's not love.

As noble as it is to demand that our dignity be repsected, pictures like the one below are really an example of a bad relationship.  It is good to expect protection, but this "or else" mentality is really harmful in a relationship.  A relationship should be about two people giving to the relationship.  You know what that picture does NOT do?  It doesn't say what the girl should do for the man in this situation.  It doesn't say that she should protect him, too.  Women have the unique ability to protect men in very specific situations, especially in their clothing choices and their modesty.  In order for this to be an example of a healthy relationship, these things must be reciprocated.

Love is difficult, but it is also good.  Just remember that your relationship is not about you...it is about both of you. 

Dating the Catholic Way, Part 1 (Another Dating Blog?!)

Here we go...another blog about dating.  How original.

That's just it.  You don't need to read another blog about dating.  The internet is full of everything that you need to know about how to date, how not to date, how to not-date (in case you're more interested in "courting" or in case you are discerning a religious order, or in case you consider yourself to be too young, too broken, too old, too whatever to date).  If you're serious about your faith, and you're seeking holiness, and you're on social media, chances are good that you're going to read a blog or two about dating.  You will certainly come across these blogs.  There is no shortage of dating advice out there for us Catholics.

The problem is that some of that advice contradicts others.  And it's frustrating.  How can I know how to date if some blogs say one thing and others say other things? 

For instance, I have read blogs that say that I should not be afraid to date several people.  That one or two dates with someone I currently feel luke-warm about is not going to be that big of a deal.  Others say that you should only date those who you feel like you could marry.  Right now.  From the beginning.  Some say that you should be a certain age to date.  There is a lot of good advice out there.  These blogs all use good logic.  And yet, those same blogs contradict the good logic used by other bloggers.  How can that be?

It's quite simple actually:  there is no magic formula for how to date perfectly.  Dating is extremely personal.  And you know?  That's exactly the reason why it's so difficult.

People love to give me advice about how I should date.  My dating style is really frustrating to a lot of people.  They think that I am stubborn.  Picky.  Too shy.  Not brave.  I often get told that I need to branch out more.  That I need to "make myself available," that I should "practice" dating on people, that going on a date with someone doesn't mean that I will marry them.  And I agree with that last one.  But most of the time, when people tell me how I should date, their advice is describing someone who just isn't who I am.  It doesn't work for me.  But I realize that it does work for some.  A lot of people have successfully approached dating in this way, and it has worked for them. 


The problem is that people hear me talk about how lonely and sad I get because of my lack of dating, and they think that it means that I am not doing the dating-thing correctly.  But just because I'm sad and lonely doesn't mean that I'm wrong.  Can I say that again?  Just because I'm sad, and just because I'm alone, doesn't mean that I am wrong.  It is not wrong of me to be sad that I'm alone.  Romantic relationships are important, good and holy if done properly.  Having that missing from  your life is stressful.  It's ok to be sad that it is missing from your life.  It's not ok to let that sadness define you.  It's not ok to ruin other people's happiness when they find it simply because you don't have it. 

This is an actual conversation that I had with a "friend" a couple of years ago.  She just couldn't be happy for me.

 

It's not ok to let that sadness control your actions.  But to feel that sadness from time-to-time is normal.  Talk about other things besides how alone you are, what a "loser" you think you are, and all that stuff to give your friends a break, but your friends should support you in your singleness.  They've all been there, too. 

And, to be honest, if I was dating a ton of people, or people who I am not really excited about dating, I wouldn't be any less sad, or any less alone.  I know myself.  I've been on dates with people I met online, who, it turned out, weren't awesome people.  After I left my short but incredibly uncomfortable dates with these guys, I felt terrible.  I felt hopeless.  I felt like all guys were losers simply because that guy acted like a loser.  Honestly, it wasn't worth it to me.

I am not a dating expert.  I don't really date.  I am not here to tell you how you should date.  I am writing to help you to think about what you want and need in order to date and to remain holy, always keeping in mind that there is no solution.  There is no such thing as the perfect way to date.  I'm here to write about dating because, well, I'm so tired of everyone telling me how to date that I just can't sit back and do nothing.  This is another dating blog series. I hope that it helps at least a tiny amount.