Friday, July 19, 2013

You Don't Know You're Beautiful

For so many years, I subscribed to the idea that the band One Direction has recently made popular:  "You don't know you're beautiful, / That's what makes you beautiful."  I have to say, from personal experience, that this is not a good way to live your life.

I have lived a large portion of my life trying to be unseen because I felt unworthy to be seen, because I believed that I was not beautiful.  And let me tell you, that does not make a person beautiful.  In fact, it makes them the very opposite of that, it makes them unattractive.  Ugly even.  And the reasons why aren't surprising.

The problem was that my behavior was in line with my belief.  I believed that I was not beautiful, and so I became shy, quiet, reserved, afraid, and bitter.  I hated pretty people, and I saw flaws in everything that they did.  They tried to flaunt their beauty I thought.  They tried to use it to manipulate people and to get what they wanted.  It was all about them.  At least, that's how I saw them. 

In reality, maybe a portion of them used their good looks to get what they wanted.  I was so quick to label them in rude ways that I probably missed the good in them.  Well, I know that I did because I never saw any good in anybody who was beautiful.

But the fact that I didn't really have many friends, or that the "pretty people" didn't want to hang out with me wasn't because I, myself, wasn't pretty.  It was because of the "vibes" that I put out.  I hated them for their beauty, so why would they want to hang out with me?  It wasn't them who were rude; it was me.

I mean, come on!  Who's going to want to hang out with the girl who is leaning against a wall, arms crossed, wearing a shirt she didn't iron (but should have), that was too big for her, with no makeup, hair looking terrible, with hate signals being sent out all over the place!  Nobody!  And that describes me very well!  I didn't take the time to look presentable, I didn't put a smile on my face, but I wanted them to approach me anyway.  It's never going to work that way.

You shouldn't go over the top trying to impress people with your looks.  If you're uncomfortable wearing makeup, then don't do it.  I think that's a good thing.  But I don't think that there is anything wrong with wearing a little bit, or combing your hair, or wearing clean clothes that fit you properly, in order to show the people who you are around that you care.  It's not a matter of using your looks to get something; it's about showing the people around you that you respect them. 

I didn't know that I was beautiful.  Maybe I wasn't the number one beauty, but because I didn't know that I was beautiful, I acted like I wasn't beautiful.  I acted like I was nothing.  That just makes the situation even worse.  Confidence is always attractive.  But there must be a good balance.

There are, of course, those who abuse their beauty.  But I think that One Direction is hurting their fans by telling them that not knowing that you're beautiful MAKES you beautiful.  It absolutely does not.  Everyone out there has something to offer.  And it's ok to know it, to admit it, and to excel. 

Go ahead.  Know that you're beautiful!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

My Funeral

Ok, so you probably saw the title of this post and thought that it was going to be extremely morbid or sad.  And I suppose it is, but that is not my intention.  If you don't want to read it because this post is about fear, death, dying, and funerals, than it's ok by me.  I'll never even know!

I have to give you the background to this post, so that you know that it didn't just come out of nowhere.  There is a reason that I would write about death!  It's not a normal topic for me!  As many of you know, I am terribly afraid of flying on a plane.  I'm not even just afraid of flying, but I'm afraid of planes in general.  If I am on the ground and a plane is flying above me, I have a tendency to keep a close eye on it, just to make sure that it stays up there, and doesn't aim towards me.  It's pretty crazy!  Like, literally, only a crazy person behaves that way!

In less than 48 hours, I will be boarding a plane to take me far away, and even though statistics show that planes are the safest way to travel, I am still very afraid.  You can spout all the statistics out at me that you want.  It hasn't made a difference yet.

Although I know that I am going to be safe, it still makes me think about what would happen if I wasn't safe on that plane.  What if the plane crashed?  It's not a completely irrational fear. People have died on planes before.  In fact, three people recently died in a plane crash in San Francisco.  It's not an unheard of event.  What if I were to die?

Well, logistically, there would be a funeral.  I love funerals.  I have attended many, specifically for people who I haven't been close to or known at all.  A lot of cool things happen when you attend a funeral for a person you've never met.  It's a very different experience than attending a funeral for someone who you are close to and love dearly.  In that situation, you're too sad to see the beauty of what's happening around you.  It's all about the person who died, of course, but it's also a little bit about you.  You are mourning your loss.  That is what you should be doing.  That is a good thing.  After all, funerals are for the living, not the dead.  It's got to be about you.

But when you attend a funeral for someone you don't know, you get to hear clearly the amazing stories about that person's life:  how they lived, but more importantly, how they loved.  You only share the good memories of the person who died.  I have yet to be at a funeral where the eulogist got up and said, "There really isn't anything good to say about this person."  There is always something.  It's nice, actually.  So often we sit around and gossip about all of the bad stuff that the people in our lives do. It's so natural to share the bad that it seems the only times we ever hear the good is after the person has died.  It's refreshing.  It's comforting.  But mostly, it's inspiring.  I always leave funerals thinking, "I need to make some changes in my life.  What would people have to say about me at my funeral?  I sure hope that it would be something as good as what they said about Joe Shmo today!"

That thought led to another, and that to another, and that to another.  Although I know deep down that I am probably not going to die on my pilgrimage to Rio de Janiero, Brazil, it is still more dangerous than sitting in my home here in Colorado.  It was when I was thinking about my own funeral (which would include the litany of the Saints, and the Carrie Underwood version of the song "How Great Thou Art," emphasizing the verse that says, "When Christ shall come, with shouts of acclamation, / And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart, / Then I shall bow, in humble adoration, / And then proclaim, 'My God, how great Thou art!'") that I realized that I would want to share something with the people attending my funeral.  I would want to leave them with a message.  There are things that I have to say, and I would hope that the priest who was celebrating my funeral would read the letter that follows, knowing that it meant a lot to me for the people to know.  And even though I am not dead yet, there is never a wrong time to tell someone that you love them.  So, I figured I would share it now, when I am alive and well, so that everyone can know that I love them.  Here it is, my funeral letter:

Dear Friends, Family, Loved Ones and Strangers attending my funeral,

In thinking about my funeral, it was really tempting to give into despair and let myself believe that nobody would want to attend, or that nobody would have anything good to say about me.  Then I let myself imagine my funeral differently, for only a few seconds, and I realized that my initial fear couldn't possibly be true.

I realized that there would be people here, who would want to say goodbye.  And those people would be friends, family, and co-workers from the past and the present.  There would probably be teens from my youth ministry and their parents.  I can guess that there would be old friends, from high school and college, who I haven't seen or spoken to in years.  There may even be people here who I have never met or don't know well, who for whatever reason, felt a connection to me in someone during my life, or who is here to comfort someone who I did know and love.  Who knows?  Maybe even an "enemy" or two is present today, wishing to make amends for whatever caused our relationship to end.

When I think about that list of people, I realize that my life had tremendous meaning.  I realize that it was wrong of me to despair and believe that nobody would be present here today, that I took you for granted by doing that, and that I am sorry for having done so.  You are here, and for that I am thankful.

I am sorry for whatever I have done to you, whether I have taken you for granted, acted out of selfishness or impatience, or hurt you in any other specific way.  You, a child of God, deserve better than that.  And yet, you have loved me anyway.  

The fact of the matter is that you are here today; I know that there must be at least a handful of people in attendance.  And I just want to thank you for being here.  I want to thank you for taking time out of your schedule to pray for me, but more importantly, for those whom I love.  

I know that I am loved.  I only hope that I am now able to love you as I was unable to during my life:  the way you deserve.  Thank you for your prayers.  If you want to honor me, please pray for and love those who I love, and know that I am praying for you.

With love and prayers, now and always,

Krissy Jensen

Friday, July 12, 2013

Don't Worry

My ten-year high school reunion is coming up very soon.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to attend.  Fortunately, I am not attending because I will be in Rio de Janiero, Brazil.  What an awesome excuse!  Yep, that's right.  I'm cool now.

I've been reflecting on this big event in my life a bit recently, which has led me to have a very interesting thought about life.  Worry is just not worth it.  I got that from reflecting on my high school reunion!

I remember one time in elementary school, it must have been fifth or sixth grade, when someone mentioned how many years we still had before we would graduate high school.  It seemed like it would never get there.  I already hated school at that point, and I just longed to be done with it.  The thought that I still had another six, seven, maybe even eight years at that point until I was done with high school seemed unbearable.  And that didn't even include college.  I just didn't know how I was going to survive.

As the years got closer, I got more and more anxious to graduate.  It's not that I hated MY particular school or the people in it.  I certainly wasn't cool or popular by any stretch of the imagination, but (other than a few minor incidents) I wasn't really bullied or picked on.  I'm actually very grateful to have attended D'Evelyn High School.  I think that it was a good fit for me.  My problem was that I just didn't like school.  I'm just not very good at it.  I felt like I had to work hard to achieve mediocre grades, and that was very discouraging for me.  Because of that, I didn't really have the motivation to do much work, which led to worse grades.  Basically, school just wasn't my strength.

I worried a lot about school back then.  Well, I worried a lot about school up until I graduated from college!  And now it is a thing of my past.  For so many years I looked ahead at what I would have, what I would get one day.  It's amazing to me that in one day, I graduated, and my life changed completely.  Almost everything that I had ever known was changed, and my life would never be the same.

Now I have a different life.  I have the post-college-graduation life where I am working, paying a mortgage, and feeding a dog every day.  And yet I still find myself looking forward.  I look to the day when I will be married.  I look to the day when I will have a new car.  I look to the day when I will be a world traveler (which happens to be very soon!).  I look to the day when I retire.  And once those things happen, my life will again change.  But until then, why worry about it?  Most of those things will probably happen one day.  And if they don't, worrying about them won't make them happen.

Time flies too quickly.  There are no guarantees.  It seems like yesterday that I thought that I would never graduate high school, but it happened ten years ago now! How much of my time was spent worrying about graduating?  That worry didn't make it go any faster.  And if it had, what would I have missed?  I probably would have missed a lot of good.

In 2003:  My high school senior picture

In 2013:  Getting ready for Father Kris's Ordination

Thursday, July 11, 2013

How to Pack for World Youth Day

The other day I was at my mom's house, and she said, "Just think, two weeks from now, you will be in Brazil."  I think that my reaction was more intense than it should have been.  "Two weeks?!  That's it?!"  It just kind of snuck up on me!

Now that I realized that it's so quickly upon us, I've begun to get very excited.  We finally found out where we are staying!  It took us long enough to find that important information out!  

I am excited, but very nervous.  This is my first experience with something like this (by "something like this" I mean traveling outside the country, going on a pilgrimage, chaperoning minors in a foreign country, etc).  That'll make anyone nervous.  Luckily my boss is really the one in charge, but still, I am the second-in-command, and I have NO idea what I've gotten myself into!  That's one big fear!

Everyone knows that I am afraid of the flying part.  That's not new information.  I'm terrified! 

Another thing that makes me really nervous is the Port-a-Potty situation!  But there's not much that I can do about it!  I did, however, make sure to pack extra baby wipes, hand sanitizer and toilet paper.  You know...just in case!

Another thing that really worries me is that some people have talked about having their bags lost for days!  I began to think about how that could really happen to a person, and how awful it would be to not have a sleeping bag, towel, clean underwear, etc!  What's the best way to make sure that you have all of that stuff once you land?  To pack it in your carry-on!  Which provides for a difficult task:  the actual packing.

How do I get ten days worth of stuff into a carry-on bag?  I mean, there are some things that I am packing ONLY for the Vigil, so those things can go on in my checked bag.  It's very unlikely that my bags will be lost for so long that I won't get them back in time for the vigil.  Nothing's impossible, I realize, but it's still really unlikely.  But I wanted to get as much stuff as possible in my carry-on bag, so that I can be as sure to have those things once we land.  It's not like we are staying in a hotel, where I will at least be guaranteed to be clean and have a bed.  If I lose my bags, I'm bedless and without vital things!  I have to get this right!  And, to be honest, I have bought a LOT of stuff!

Take, for instance, this:

Pink Sea to Summit Towel, size XL


This is a compact little camping towel, that expands to a large size, but squishes down into a small, easily packed size.  I chose pink because it's a good color, but you can get them in different sizes!  This particular towel is a Sea to Summit Towel, size XL.  

I also bought a new pillow.  Again, it's one that can be easily compressed for packing ease.  I'm a bit nervous about this bad boy, because I've never used it.  I tend to forget pillows on retreats though.  Actually, sometimes I purposefully "forget" them, because they are too difficult to pack.  I know from experience that not having a pillow on retreat is awful.  I've been on my fair share of retreats!  But this is not just a retreat, it's a pilgrimage.  And it's not just for two nights, it's for nine.  Investing in a compressible pillow was a good choice not just for this pilgrimage, but for my job in general.  Now I will not have an excuse not to have a pillow!  Yay!
Compressible Pillow



Per the recommendation of many, I begrudgingly bought this tarp to use at the vigil, to protect me if it rains.  Given the tropical area we will be visiting, which we happen to be visiting during the rainy season, it seemed like a good idea after all.  I would hate to be stuck in the rain without it.
Tarp, 5' x 7'

I also bought three, three-packs of notepads.  That might sound a bit strange, but I think that it was a good idea.  We will be gone for nine days.  I want to take my journal with me every day, but I'm afraid that I will lose it, or that it will get wet and ruined somehow.  If I take only one of these each day, I can leave the rest back at the lodging area.  Then, if I do lose one, or if one gets ruined, I only lose one day of precious memories, catechesis, and experiences.  Plus, they are very small and light weight.  They probably weigh only a little more combined than my actual journal alone does.  I think this was a good idea! I'll be sure to transpose my notes so that you can see them here and benefit, too!

Memo notebooks to be used as journals and notes pages
 
Binoculars cost a little bit of money.  This was tricky, because they needed to be powerful but light-weight.  Remember, not only do I have to worry about weighing in my bags at the airport, but I also have to worry about carrying these things to the vigil!  It's gonna be a long walk that day!  Everything that I carry needs to be as light-weight as possible.  But binoculars are important because people have told me that they used their binoculars just to see the screens that the Pope was projected on at the vigil and closing mass!  I want to see him as easily as possible!  Which means, I bought binoculars!

17x Binoculars

Some people discouraged me from buying a head lamp, but I think that this is a must have item.  Think about it, it's 2:00 am during the vigil, you have to use a port-a-potty.  There are no lights in the port-a-potty, so you either have to risk going in the pitch-black-darkness (which means that you don't know what you're touching), or, option two, you use a flashlight that you have to set down in the port-a-potty that has been used by thousands of other people, or, option three, you use a head lamp that stays nicely attached to your head and allows you to have a hands-free bathroom experience.  Sorry, I know that might have been a bit of "too much information" for you, but that's what goes through my head!  And that is exactly why the head lamp is a no-brainer! 



We also bought these water filter systems.  They are amazingly light-weight, and, although I have not tried it yet, it appears to be very effective. We will probably have plenty of bottled water available to us, but you never know. It is South America after all.  We already discussed the port-a-potty situation. You don't want to end up with stomach ills in a World Youth Day pilgrimage situation.  Clean water is a must!

Sawyer Squeeze Water Filtration System
 
 I also ended up buying several pairs of shoes. After the first pair of shoes almost destroyed my feet (quite literally), I bought another pair of shoes. Those ended up giving me some really bad blisters.  I went back to the first pair of shoes and decided that my feet had healed and become stronger, and the first pair became my favorite.  I'm probably going to bring both, though.  One pair will go in my carry-on, the other in my checked bag.  That way, I can rotate shoes between days so that my feet get a break from each shoe.  They did warn us about how much walking we will be doing.  Ten miles a day is not going to be easy on the body, but the feet will take the worst damage!  Good shoes will be the difference between "this pilgrimage was so amazing!  What a wonderful experience" and "it was awful!  I hated every second of it!"

These are the first shoes that almost broke my feet. Now, I love them!  Plus, I have problems keeping my shoe laces tied!  I specifically wanted shoes without laces, and I got them here!
 
I bought a lot more stuff, but I don't really feel like it's necessary to go into great detail about all of it.  My complete packing list is below.  It's pretty intense looking right now!  

I started packing, just to see what I can do in a small carry-on bag.  Let me tell you, you can stuff those things full! Here is the first "layer" of my bag:


First "Layer" of Packing
The first "layer" of my carry-on had my sleeping mat (the long roll on the right), my sleeping bag (the green roll on the bottom, left), and ten shirts rolled for more convenient packing.  That looked like a lot of stuff, and I was feeling really discouraged at this point.  But it turns out, there is a lot more room available!

I started adding stuff, to see what all I could fit.  It turns out that my sleeping bag was able to squish a bit, and that there was some room way down between my sleeping bag and mat.  So I rolled up a couple of pair of shorts, my swim suit cover-up, and my swim suit and shoved them down between the sleeping equipment. To the pouch on the flap I added bags with my socks and underwear.  This was my second "layer" of packing!


Second "Layer" of Packing


Packing clothes is good and important, but we are not staying at someone's home, or a hotel.  We are staying at a church.  And because of this, toiletries are going to be extremely important for us to have with us.  I don't want to risk not having shampoo, deodorant or a toothbrush.  And I believe that others will be happy that I have those things, too. I also needed a mirror, hairbrush, hair ties, and bobby pins.  But guess what?!  They make room available on the outside of the suitcase just for that!  

Outer "Layer" of Packing

But it seemed I was still missing some things.  Shoes.  My pillow.  My towel.  I realized that those things would be necessary immediately upon arrival in Rio, too.  My shirts had some room above them to put those items.  Also, the pouch in the flap had a bit more room, so I added my knee brace, ankle brace, ace bandage, money belt and money clip. 

Last "Layer" of Packing
 
After all that packing, I was afraid that I wouldn't meet the weight requirements for a carry-on bag.  Using my handy-dandy bag scale (which I hung on my towel hanger on my closet door)...



I discovered that my bag weighed...


26 pounds, which was under the maximum weight!



ItemPurpose (if it's not super obvious)
"Stuff Bag" To store dirty clothes
Hydration Reservoir (2 liters)
Baby WipesSometimes, you just need to feel cleaner (ish)
BackpackThis is a high quality, backpacking backpack, that I will be using for the Vigil. Thank you, Craigslist! This was an awesome find! (Amazon.com was selling this same backpack for $169-$223!)
Beach Towel
BinocularsTo see! It'll be extremely difficult to see what's going on, but not with binoculars! I want to see the Pope as close as I can!
Body wash
Brazil Travel Visa
Camera
Camping Towel
Compressible Pillow
Hair Conditioner
Day pack
Deodorant (and LOT'S of it!)
Eyeshade and Ear Plug SetFor the flight and for night
Face wash
Foot powderTo make feet less stinky, duh!
Hat
Head LampThis is especially useful for port-a-potties at night during the Vigil (which are unlit).
Hooded Poncho
JournalCause you wanna remember
Medications
Nail Clip Set
Pants/shorts for 10 days
Passport
RFID Money Belt
RFID Money Clip
Shampoo
Shirts for 10 days
Shoes
Sleeping Bag
Sleeping Mat (inflatable)
Socks for 10 days
Sunscreen
Swim Suit
Toothbrush
Toothpaste
UmbrellaFor rain AND sun
Underwear for 10 days
Warm Sweatshirt
Waterbottle
Zip Lock BagsTo keep documents safe and dry
A photocopy of all documents (passport, visa, etc)In case something happens to the documents you brought with you, you can more easily obtain new ones
Travel PillowMine converts into a regular pillow, which is nice because then I don't have to pack two items! It's all in one!
Bug SprayTo prevent uncomfortable mosquito bites and the bad stuff that comes with them!
Simple first aid kitFirst aid
Tarp Vigil
Stress ballsKeep hands from swelling while walking
Backpack rain cover
Watertight box
Knee braceSo if my knee decides to be stupid again, I can have this available to help it
Eye drops (allergy)
Eye drops (red)
Toilet PaperYou know...just in case!