Dating the Catholic Way - Part 2 (Friendzoned)

 The dreaded "Friendzone."  Contrary to popular belief, this is not just a  problem that guys deal with because of girls.  Girls struggle with being friendzoned, too.  We just call it something different.  We call it being led on, but really, it's the same thing.

I know a lot about the friendzone.  A lot.  And it isn't pretty.  There's another name for this, one that sounds a little less harsh.  It's called "Unrequited Love."  It's ugly.

I have "fallen in love" with so many people who haven't loved me back.  And while I would say that it is much worse to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back, it is also extremely painful and difficult to have someone in love with you who you know cares for you, but who you don't feel as strongly about.  I'm not saying they are equal, because I don't believe that they are, but they are both extremely difficult.

Unfortunately, what I know about the friendzone isn't extremely helpful.  You probably don't want to read about my two years in college that I spent pining over a guy who everyone thought WAS my boyfriend, and then turned out that he was REALLY not interested in me at all.  You probably don't want to read about the guy who I spent an entire summer pining after, spending time with him, hanging out with him, only to find out at the end of that summer that he had a girlfriend, who soon after became his fiance and is now his wife.  You probably don't want to read about all of the times when I have read too much into a situation only to find out that I was completely and utterly wrong about what I thought was true.  About how I heard, saw and thought what I wanted to, even though those signs really weren't there.  

So, even though my stories aren't super great or fun, I do have, for those who love but aren't loved back, a little bit of advice for you:

1.  Be honest.  Seriously, you can guess and wonder and predict and assume and think you know what a person is thinking, but unless you ask them directly, you can never really be sure.  

You might want to practice what you'll say before hand, so you don't sound like Sandra Bullock in the movie While You Were Sleeping

2.  Know that he/she is not the only one for you.  Yes, I know...this person is great.  And there are so many qualities that make them perfect.  But, I promise you, if they don't think that you are great, too, then they aren't worth it.  Whoever you are with should think that you're great.  Don't you think you deserve that?

Whoever God has in mind for you is going to think the world of you.  And if this person doesn't, then think how great the one who God does have in mind for you is.  That person is AMAZING!  Guaranteed!

3.  Don't watch movies or TV, don't listen to music that makes it worse.  Guess what?!  The media lies!  And you know why it lies?  Because the reality is too long, complicated, and not entertaining to watch.  If I wanted to watch the truth, I'd have to spend days, weeks, months and years getting to see all of the details of a relationship:  from the big moments like we see in the media (fights, romantic gestures, hilarious moments, sad moments, etc), to the mundane, boring, simple moments, like driving in a car, to watching TV together, to getting ready to go out.  Those things are entertaining when the happen on TV because they are done in short cuts with fun music in the background.  Let's break this down for a second or two:  a scene where a person is getting ready for a date in a movie might take two minutes.  You will see 10 seconds of them shaving, ten seconds of them putting on mascara, eyeshadow, lipstick, 10 seconds of them curling their hair, 10 seconds of them picking out an outfit, and 10 seconds of them putting on their shoes.  They take one final look in the mirror, and BOOM, they are ready to go.  An hour's worth of work was condensed into 1 minute.  Because it's boring to watch them do all of those things!  Nobody would watch that.  And nobody would watch all of the things that go into dating, either.  There's nothing wrong with the media lying, as long as it admits that it's lying.  We want to be entertained, not shown reality. 

4.  Constantly remind yourself that you aren't going to die alone.  Ok, I know, it really seems that way sometimes.  And yes, sometimes it feels good to be dramatic and to just let yourself believe for a moment that this is true.  But chances are that you aren't going to actually die alone.  So let yourself believe it for a minute or two, but remind yourself soon to snap out of it.  Life is too short to be lived feeling sorry for yourself.

5.  Don't give up on yourself.  Don't start overeating, drinking, partying, sleeping too much or too little.  Take care of yourself.  You are worth it.

6.  Pray for your spouse.  Note:  you don't know who your spouse is yet. Yes, I suppose that this person could have a change of heart, realize how awesome you are, and marry you.  That might happen.  But you need to admit for a moment that there is a slight possibility that they won't, and that your future spouse is someone completely different (and awesome).  Pray in this ambiguous way: for your spouse, not for "insert name of person friendzoning you here."  God knows who to direct those prayers to.

7.  Pray for the one leading you on.  Ok, so you should pray for your spouse, but don't forget to pray for the person who is leading you on, also.  And don't pray this prayer:  "Please make them fall in love with me."  Also don't pray this prayer:  "Please make them die alone if they don't marry me."  Revenge is ugly and unholy.  Pray for their well-being, for their happiness, for their holiness.  But God can't change their mind any more than you can.  

8.  Keep in mind that this person isn’t perfect.  They have flaws, too.  It’s crazy, but it’s true.  No, they aren’t perfect, and they don’t even round up, to perfection.  You know that they have the capability to hurt your feelings because they are doing it right now.  That is not perfection.

 9.  End this toxic friendship.  Don't do it in a brutal way, but sometimes, you simply can't be just friends.  If that's the case, and that other person really doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then you need to stand up for  yourself and actually end the friendship.  

10.  Keep praying.  Rely on God!  He loves you more than you know.

Dating the Catholic Way, Part 1 (Another Dating Blog?!)

Here we go...another blog about dating.  How original.

That's just it.  You don't need to read another blog about dating.  The internet is full of everything that you need to know about how to date, how not to date, how to not-date (in case you're more interested in "courting" or in case you are discerning a religious order, or in case you consider yourself to be too young, too broken, too old, too whatever to date).  If you're serious about your faith, and you're seeking holiness, and you're on social media, chances are good that you're going to read a blog or two about dating.  You will certainly come across these blogs.  There is no shortage of dating advice out there for us Catholics.

The problem is that some of that advice contradicts others.  And it's frustrating.  How can I know how to date if some blogs say one thing and others say other things? 

For instance, I have read blogs that say that I should not be afraid to date several people.  That one or two dates with someone I currently feel luke-warm about is not going to be that big of a deal.  Others say that you should only date those who you feel like you could marry.  Right now.  From the beginning.  Some say that you should be a certain age to date.  There is a lot of good advice out there.  These blogs all use good logic.  And yet, those same blogs contradict the good logic used by other bloggers.  How can that be?

It's quite simple actually:  there is no magic formula for how to date perfectly.  Dating is extremely personal.  And you know?  That's exactly the reason why it's so difficult.

People love to give me advice about how I should date.  My dating style is really frustrating to a lot of people.  They think that I am stubborn.  Picky.  Too shy.  Not brave.  I often get told that I need to branch out more.  That I need to "make myself available," that I should "practice" dating on people, that going on a date with someone doesn't mean that I will marry them.  And I agree with that last one.  But most of the time, when people tell me how I should date, their advice is describing someone who just isn't who I am.  It doesn't work for me.  But I realize that it does work for some.  A lot of people have successfully approached dating in this way, and it has worked for them. 


The problem is that people hear me talk about how lonely and sad I get because of my lack of dating, and they think that it means that I am not doing the dating-thing correctly.  But just because I'm sad and lonely doesn't mean that I'm wrong.  Can I say that again?  Just because I'm sad, and just because I'm alone, doesn't mean that I am wrong.  It is not wrong of me to be sad that I'm alone.  Romantic relationships are important, good and holy if done properly.  Having that missing from  your life is stressful.  It's ok to be sad that it is missing from your life.  It's not ok to let that sadness define you.  It's not ok to ruin other people's happiness when they find it simply because you don't have it. 

This is an actual conversation that I had with a "friend" a couple of years ago.  She just couldn't be happy for me.

 

It's not ok to let that sadness control your actions.  But to feel that sadness from time-to-time is normal.  Talk about other things besides how alone you are, what a "loser" you think you are, and all that stuff to give your friends a break, but your friends should support you in your singleness.  They've all been there, too. 

And, to be honest, if I was dating a ton of people, or people who I am not really excited about dating, I wouldn't be any less sad, or any less alone.  I know myself.  I've been on dates with people I met online, who, it turned out, weren't awesome people.  After I left my short but incredibly uncomfortable dates with these guys, I felt terrible.  I felt hopeless.  I felt like all guys were losers simply because that guy acted like a loser.  Honestly, it wasn't worth it to me.

I am not a dating expert.  I don't really date.  I am not here to tell you how you should date.  I am writing to help you to think about what you want and need in order to date and to remain holy, always keeping in mind that there is no solution.  There is no such thing as the perfect way to date.  I'm here to write about dating because, well, I'm so tired of everyone telling me how to date that I just can't sit back and do nothing.  This is another dating blog series. I hope that it helps at least a tiny amount. 

Injured

Since October, I have been in training to run a marathon.  26.2 miles.  The marathon that I am running will take place in May, so I still have a long time to train.  129 days to be exact.  And that's a really good thing, because this week, I got injured.

 

It's kind of funny, actually.  On Sunday, we had a meeting with our volunteers for our high school program.  Because it's the first week of the new year, we did an activity to reflect on the past year, and also to make plans for the year ahead. 

 

I had two personal goals that went together: 

1. to run a marathon
2. to not get hurt.

A couple of hours after we shared our goals, we went to Mass.  At Mass, we were kneeling, and when we stood up from kneeling, pain shot through my leg.  It was burning.  It hurt so badly that I could barely stand.  I pulled a muscle two hours after I said that it was my goal to not get hurt.  TWO HOURS!!  DURING MASS!  You can imagine my frustration.

The next day I was supposed to run again.  It was an easy day:  four miles (yes, that's an easy day in marathon training).  I was excited because, well, I'm training in the winter and, well, that's cold.  Most of my running takes place in the morning when it's 19 degrees, five degrees, one degree.  I've not actually run if it's been negative temperatures, but I have run in sub-freezing weather so many times now.  And when you're out there for two hours or so, it's miserable.  It makes my skin turn bright red, like I've been sunburned.  It doesn't feel too cold while I'm actually running, but it sure does get cold when I stop!  And sometimes it takes me a long time to really warm back up after I get home.

Well yesterday was such a beautiful day.  The weather was warm.  The sun was out.  And I really wanted to run.  But I couldn't.  It wouldn't have helped me prepare for my marathon.  It would have, actually, made it much worse.  It really was a sad day.

God gives us lessons all the time, in amazing different kinds of ways.  I know that He didn't hurt me (even though it was during MASS that I actually got hurt), but He still uses the bad situations in our lives to teach us a thing or two:  patience in healing is something that doesn't come naturally.  We definitely have to be taught how to do it.

It's really interesting that this happened when it did.  I had been getting discouraged with my running program recently.  And then, all of a sudden, I got really excited about it again.  I had just completed a "perfect week" of training.  I did everything that was on my schedule even though I really didn't feel like it.  I was so proud of myself, and I was so excited to start the next week.

Being discouraged from time-to-time is natural, I think, in any training program.  As disappointing as it was that this injury happened when I was really excited instead of when I needed a break, it's probably a really good thing that it happened this way.  I might have given up all together if this happened when I was discouraged.  I might have just hung up the towel and said, "Oh well, I tried."  But I can't wait to get back out there!  I am going to feel unstoppable when I do!

I have also learned a thing or two about what my body needs.  Clearly I did something wrong.  Either I didn't stretch enough, I didn't warm up enough, I didn't cool down enough, or some combination of those things.  Maybe I pushed myself harder than I should have (I did push myself really hard).  The point is, my body is telling me something, and it's important that I listen.

I got an injury, and that's sad.  Taking time to heal is annoying, but with any luck, it will make me stronger, more enthusiastic and determined than I was before.  If that's true, then I'm glad that it happened!  It's not going to stop me, just delay and rejuvenate me!  Bring it on!

My Struggle with Envy: It's Not About You

I never really considered that I had a problem with envy. I always thought that I had problems with anger, depression, low self-esteem, and things like that, but I never really used the word envy to explain why I experienced and struggled with those other things. But I have recently come to understand that what I really struggle with is, in fact, envy.

In fact, I can probably see how envy contributed to every conflict I've had with friends, family, and co-workers. It might not always be the main problem, but it is probably always there. Even with those who I told myself I pitied, or whose life I would never want. If I looked hard enough, I'm sure it's there.

In my past, I would get angry when I'd see friends post things on Facebook about their marriages and parenthood. When my friends who are moms would talk about nothing else besides being a mom, I would list off (in my head) all of the reasons why it it was "wrong" of them to do so. Honestly, it felt like they were rubbing salt in my wounds.




It was last summer when I realized that my problem was really jealousy. More specifically, it was envy.

See, at that time, I had good news. I was really excited about it. I told a "friend" my good news, and she actually got mad at me. To my face. And she made me feel bad that this good thing was happening to me and not her. Her attitude totally sucked the joy out of the situation, that really had nothing to do with her. It's not like we were competing over a job and I won it. It had nothing to do with her at all. And she made me feel like dirt.



The thing is, envy doesn't feel good whether you are on the "giving" end OR the receiving end. I hated that she was envious. I wanted her to be happy for me. But what I got was anger, frustration, and blame.

I think a lot about that quote from the movie Seven Years in Tibet. I think I've even written about it before. It says:

"A friend's good fortune is a blessing, Heinrich. I'm sorry you resent ours. You must be very lonely and sad."



A friend's joy is a blessing for me, too. After all, I would give a lot to make my friends happy. But, like that quote says, it is a lonely and sad person who lets envy live and thrive in their lives. Envy pushes people away. Envy doesn't celebrate; envy mourns.

So, I am sorry to everyone who I have hurt with my envy. I am sorry if I have ever taken a piece of your joy by being sad for myself. I realize that you being happy that your kid did something amazing is in no way about me. You should be proud of your child. Your engagement has nothing to do with me, either. Be happy, and let me be happy, too!

If I'm being totally honest, then yes, I will probably be sad for myself if I see you have something that I also want, but that doesn't mean that I should take away your joy. That doesn't mean that I should make you feel like you've done something bad or wrong for having a good thing. You deserve goodness, and I hope that I can have the strength and selflessness to increase your joy as much as possible.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Yes, I Want a Wedding and a Marriage, Can't I Have Both?

I will admit it: I want a wedding. I have a Pinterest board dedicated to wedding stuff. I dream about my wedding, my proposal, and my husband. And yes, I am single. As single as they get.

But I don't just dream about my wedding. I dream about my marriage. I dream about my children. And I know that tired line about how marriage and parenthood are difficult and blah blah blah, but that's what my heart wants. And to me, the challenge would be out weighed with love.




Being single is really quite difficult. And lonely. And sad. And not what we are made for from the beginning. Which is why, if some man loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me, and if I love him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him, to enter into the holy covenant that God created for us originally, to obtain the grace to live out our Vocations as holy husband and wife, and if we are going to plan on having a children together (which is the highest blessing God could give), then you betcha, we are going to CELEBRATE that with the wedding of our dreams! And I will not apologize for that even a little bit!




Someday, if I do get the miracle of finding someone to marry me, I am going to have a beautiful wedding, and I don't want anyone to tell me that it's just because I want a wedding and not a marriage. This is a thing that satan tells us in order to cheapen marriage. Jesus attended a wedding, an elaborate one at that. And He wouldn't have done it if it was wrong. A marriage is something to be celebrated, and a wonderful wedding ceremony and party afterwords don't cheapen it at all. Maybe becoming Bridezilla cheapens it, but taking pictures/video at my engagement/wedding, to commemorate such a blessed day, buying a lovely dress, flowers, cake, food and music doesn't make my marriage any less meaningful. I want a marriage, and I want to celebrate it! It is a thing worth celebrating!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Not Having Goals is Boring

A friend recently posted a Facebook status that asked for opinions on a blog or a post or some sort of rant that someone wrote about how "GOALS ARE BULL[EXPLETIVES]."  I'm always good for an opinion it seems, but since the friend then followed up the request by specifying she wanted opinions from a specific friend (not me), I didn't know if I should post anything.  So instead of mucking up her Facebook wall, I decided to write my passionate response here. Also, for two different reasons in the last two hours, I thought that my life was in jeopardy. Seriously. I still don't know if it actually was in danger in one case (I think that I will find out though, tomorrow). So I have a little bit of adrenaline in me right now, which may influence my writing.

Goals are good.  Necessary.  And, well, it's just illogical to say otherwise.

We all make goals.  We make goals all the time. Often times they are simple goals, like, "Tomorrow I will get up on time."  Is that so bad, really?

As Catholics, there is NO getting around it!  Goals are some of the most important parts of our faith.  In fact, 1 Peter even talks about goals, saying that the goal of our faith is Salvation (1 Peter 1:9).  Is that, also, bad?

And what do we say during the Act of Contrition at the end of Reconciliation?  We say "I firmly resolve with the help of Your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life."  A resolution IS a goal. If you heartily believe that goals are bad, then you have no right or authority to pray that prayer because that prayer would be a lie.


Our culture has such a negative view on goals.  Why?  Because people make New Years Resolutions they don't keep?  Or is it because goals present a challenge that people are simply too lazy to deal with?  The person who wrote the blog/post/article thing stated that it's because sometimes people stick to goals that are unhealthy or bad for themselves. But does that mean that there is something intrinsically wrong with goals (by the way, the author later wrote that 9 out of ten times, goals ARE good. So which is it? Are they bad or are they mostly good?).

I don't understand this idea that goals are bad. People who believe that they are act like there is some evil associated with them. Like I said, I just don't get it.

No athlete accidentally ended up winning a gold medal at the Olympics. No author accidentally planned, wrote, edited and published a best selling book. No doctor accidentally graduated from medical school. No President accidentally got elected. No Saint accidentally ended up in Heaven. Great accomplishments take planning, forethought, desire and work. Greatness requires goal setting.

Why does this bother me so much? Well, because I have accomplished things as a result of my goal setting. And I have known people in me life who have been so afraid of the "evil" that is "goal setting," that they have ended up in very bad situations. I've seen the sorrow that comes from a lack of goal setting and it ain't pretty.

If you don't have goals, then what's the point of living? The author in question here mentioned that, once you reach a goal, you feel like there's nothing more to work for. Like there's no more in life. Well, there is this amazing thing called, "setting a new goal." Like in the movie "Tangled." It always makes me feel all girly and dorky when Flynn says, "you were my new dream," and Rapunzel responds, "and you were mine." Ugh! I love it! Rapunzel was able to move in her life after she did achieve her life goal, and Flynn was able to move on after realizing that his old goal was a bad one. Which is funny, because he actually ended up getting his old goal, but since that goes against the point I was trying to make, forget that I pointed that out just now! After all, it's a fairy tale. And a cartoon. It's a story of a socially skilled girl with magic hair that glows when she sings who falls in love with the first person she's EVER talked to or interacted with (besides her mother) in her entire life. It's adorable, but there's not a lot of realistic-ness in that story, including Flynn getting his dream of riches and castles. But I digress.

So what is the point if living without goals? If you're not going towards something, what are you doing? You're standing still. And standing still in life is just boring. I mean, even if you're going backwards, you're still going.  It's still more interesting than just standing still.  Lessons can be learned from going backwards.  A person who truly never made goals would become bored and lonely because people typically don't like to hang out with boring people. Could you imagine a movie based off of characters who didn't have any goals? There'd be no plot. No purpose.

The post thing ended with the person saying that it's our intentions that really matter. To me it's like tomato/tomato (funny how that expression doesn't really work in writing). Intentions and goals really are the same thing. Intending how you will spend your time and setting goals for your time are the same thing. But for some reason, the word goal has bad connotations for that person, so if setting intentions instead of goals is what they need to do to have a fulfilling life, I suppose that's ok, because it really is the exact same thing. 

Haha!  They said the same thing I said!

Goals are good. If you want to see for yourself, try going a day without making a single goal. Oh, you can't, because in order to do so, you'd have to make the goal to not make goals, and then you'd lose. 

So don't do it.  Don't make any goals.  Don't make a bucket list.  Don't get an education.  Don't be in a loving and committed relationship.  Don't be healthy.  Don't own a house.  Don't help anyone.  If that's what you want.  Don't go to Heaven.  Goals are clearly trying to ruin your life.  So just...don't.

Must I?: Krissy's List of Life Stuff

I have recently seen a lot of posts about things that I, for some reason or another, "must" do.  Youtube videos called "Places you must travel to while in your 20's," or "Things every woman must know," or "Foods you must try."  As I read through these lists, I find myself feeling a variety of emotions:  inspiration to do/be something cool or different, sadness at what I haven't accomplished, jealousy that others get to accomplish those things that I can't (afford to) do, and more sadness that they tell me to do things that I believe are morally wrong (apparently I am "supposed" to carry a condom and Plan B with me at all times!).  I feel so down after reading those posts and watching those videos, when I think that the goal from those authors is to get me to feel only inspired and/or accomplished.

They don't even make sense.  I mean, so often the list will say, "Have enough confidence to not do what anyone else tells you to do," or "Don't let anyone dictate your life," or "Break the rules."  Ok, so if I follow your advice, you're saying that I shouldn't do what YOU tell me to do.  But, by not doing what you tell me to do, I AM doing what you tell me to do.  You see why that's a conundrum? 

I have come to the conclusion that those lists really should be called, "what I should do, because I liked it, and I think that you might like it, too, so maybe I'll inspire you to do something you've always wanted to do or to try something new."  I guess I can see why that isn't the title.  It's a little cumbersome.  It just seems that those authors are really writing those lists for themselves.  Who says that I should sky dive in my 20's?  Why?  I don't want to sky dive.  I wouldn't like it, and it'd be a waste of my money, time, worry, stress and adrenaline (ok, YES, I realize that adrenaline is not, like, in short supply, but you get my point).  What are the reasons we "must" do these things?  Who are you to tell me that?  I always want to scream, "Stop 'shoulding' all over me!"

My 29th birthday is rapidly approaching, which means that I have one year left in my 20's.  At this point, there is an expectation that I have completed a certain number of things on my check-list of life.  Well, instead of going by someone else's standards, I am going to create my own list for myself.  If these things don't apply to you, than that's ok, because I don't expect that they will be universal.  But here is, "Krissy's List of Life Stuff:"

1.  Eat food.

2.  Drink water

3.  Drink less Diet Coke

4.  Sing loudly in your car with every chance you get, but never subject others to that torture

5.  Wear your ugly green shorts around the house, but no where else

6.  Enjoy the summer

7.  Be proud of the fact that you still (and always will) LOVE N'Sync

8.  Change your mind about what you like (I used to not like onions, and now I do.  I used to not like riding a bike, and now I do.  I used to like mayonnaise, and now I don't).

9.  Realize that #7 on this list possibly contradicts #8, and be ok with that

10.  Keep quoting movies, even if some people think it's weird or annoying

11.  Stand up for good grammar, even if some people think it's weird or annoying

12.  Remember that sarcasm sometimes hurts people's feelings, and that you're better than that (this is not a sarcastic way of approving sarcasm either.  I was being real)

13.  Don't ever say, "a whole nother"

14.  Keep watching children's movies.  They're good for your soul

15.  Remember that you do love kids, even though they kind of scare you and you haven't spent much time around kids (younger than junior high aged kids, that is)

16.  Don't drive where you can walk

17.  Ignore #16 if it's cold.  Like, really, really, cold.  Or windy.  Rain, you can handle, but not the cold.

18.  Give actual compliments.  People crave positivity.  It's amazing what genuine, real, actual kind words can do to a person's heart

19.  T-Rex is awesome.  Don't forget it, even though you have re-occurring T-Rex nightmares!

20.  Sleep appropriate amounts (not too little, but not too much, either)

21.  Stop being annoyed so much

22.  Go back to the places where bad memories were made.  Re-listen to songs that remind you of bad things.  Create new memories associated with those things, so they aren't ruined forever (remember, nothing is ever ruined forever)

23.  Some people aren't like you, and that's ok.  If they tell you that you should only cry one or two tears and then move on, smile, thank them for their advice, and then cry as many dang tears as you need to!  But don't tell them that.  It's not worth the fight.

24.  Some people aren't like you, and that's ok (it's worth putting in here twice)

25.  You will probably always worry about what people think of you.  You want to be liked.  You want to be loved.  You want to be accepted.  You want them to think well of you because they are important to you.  Because you care about them.  Because they mean something to you.  When you think that someone thinks poorly of you, try to stay calm about it.  Be rational.  Maybe they don't like you.  And maybe it's because of a real flaw in you.  You aren't perfect.  You can work on your flaws.  Maybe they do like you but the crazy version of yourself is rearing.  You can stop being crazy.  But, as hard as it may be for you, don't let them change the good in you.  If you can't stop that, than that person doesn't deserve to be in your life.  It'll hurt.  It'll be lonely.  It'll be sad.  Because you care about people.  And you care about their opinions.  And, despite what may appear to some, it's not easy for you to just kick a person out of your life.  But don't let them change the good in you.  Don't let them take away your self-esteem.  Don't let them make you angry (and therefore, take away your trust, your forgiveness, your patience).  Don't let them take away the good in you.  And there is good in you.