Women's Wednesdays - Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

My whole life, all I've really wanted was one thing: to be good. And no matter how hard I try to be good, and no matter how much success I have at being good, I am haunted by the notion that I am just never ever going to be good enough.

I suppose that I am not alone in feeling this way. I think that women especially feel this kind of pressure. We are never satisfied with where we are. We want to be thinner, fitter, smarter, funnier, happier, successfuller, and always getting better and better. That's how magazines work. Look at the cover of magazines sometime and see how they promote one main thing: how to be better. A better mom. A better cook. A better fashionista. A better dieter. A better kisser. A better girlfriend/wife. A better friend. Have better hair. Have better skin. Have better fun. Have a better house. Have a better car. Have a better life. It's shoved in our faces all the time: be better.

That's not the most horrible thing in the world, striving to be better.  Some people really hate being challenged to be made better.  Look at these quotes for instance:

 

But those quotes aren't biblically correct.  In fact, they are blatantly incorrect.  Jesus Himself has a thing or two to say about this topic.  He says:  

At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them.  The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group  and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.  When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” - John 8:2-11

See what Jesus did there?  He challenged her to be better. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with trying to better oneself.  

No.  I'm not good enough.  Honestly.  I don't deserve the love that Jesus gives.  I don't deserve the love that anyone gives, actually.  That's kind of what's crazy about love:  it is undeserved.  If it was deserved, would it even be love?  

Jesus is an interesting fella, isn't He?  Let's break it apart:  he loves each of us, but none of us will ever be good enough for His love.  We will never ever deserve it.  And yet, He gives it to us freely anyway.  So, even though we don't deserve it, we get it anyway.  

I think that we (women, that is) really struggle with being good enough.  We should always be trying to be better, to "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48).  But, Jesus also knows that we fall.  That we fail.  That being perfect is not acheivable for us.  That's why we get confession.  We get to confess our sins and be forgiven.  Why?  Because He loves us.  Totally, completely, and perfectly.

It's difficult to accept, but it's important to try.  Maybe I won't ever be good enough, but I will be loved, and that is something to celebrate.

This week is Holy Week.  I urge you to reflect on how amazing God's love is and how, even though you've done nothing to deserve it, you get to experience it anyway.  

Women's Wednesday - Captain America

The movie Captain America came out this past weekend, and I just had to see it!  Captain America is definitely my dream guy.  He's kind, honest, loyal, strong, sincere, and devastatingly handsome!  What an amazing combination! 

It's difficult to believe that guys like him actually exist in the world.  In a way, they don't.  He is, after all, a superhero!  And those are fictitious!

But the thing about Captain America is that his superpower isn't really his incredible strength  or indestructability (nobody could jump out of a plane or off buildings or bridges and live.  If they did live, they'd have only broken bones.

To me, though, Captain America's real superpower isn't his strength or indestructability.  It's his personality.  That is, after all, why they chose him to do their experiments.  They knew that he'd use how power for good.  He was just that way.  Captain America, the quintessential good guy, has the power of kindness.

If the world is lacking in good guys, I am curious to know whose fault that is, really.  No, guys aren't perfect by any means, but how do girls treat the good guys in their lives?  How do they treat the "bad boys" in their lives?  Do you see what that does?  It causes guys to strive to be bad boys because we not only allow that kind of behavior, but encourage and reward it!

I was out with some friends one time, and one of the guys did something for me to make me feel more comfortable (I get anxious sometimes).  Another guy there saw what he was doing, but didn't know why he was doing it.  The guy came up to us and started making fun of my friend, who he didn't know, to us, who he didn't know.  He was calling my friend a baby and just being really, well, mean.  Now, there was a girl with us who was particularly pretty.  And I have no doubt that this rude, obnoxious guy was only trying to impress this girl in our group, by putting down our friend who was being a gentleman.  And you know what?  It worked!  I couldn't believe it!  She totally gave him her attention, and it was a positive kind of attention!  Now, this is the kind of girl who always goes for the bad boy, and always ends up crying because she's been hurt by them. 

With an attitude like that, it's no wonder that guys don't want to step up, be gentlemen, and do what's right. 

Let's step it up, girls!  Let's celebrate the good in our lives, especially the good men!  They respond to the kind of encouragement you give them!  They'll respond to this, too!

So here's to the good guy!  The guys who never lie, the guys who do what's right even if the consequences are severe.  I hope that more women out there do what's right and take notice of the nice guys in your lives.  They are true treasures.  Superheroes.  And you don't want to let them go!

Women's Wednesday - People Pleasing Is Wrong?

I have lived a majority of my life trying to make everyone happy.  I have never wanted to rock the boat.  I've avoided conflict like the plague.  Actually, I've never really had to avoid the plague.  It's not really a problem these days.  But you get the point.  You can't make everyone happy.

I remember one time when I had to do a presentation in front of a lot of people.  Now, public speaking doesn't really bother me too much.  If I'm prepared and really know what I'm doing, I'm usually more confident than a lot of people.  But, nevertheless, I don't always enjoy it.  There are times when I love it, but there are times when I get nervous about it.  And this was one of those times.  I had to get up and say some things in front of a group, and I just didn't really want to do it.  I didn't really believe that what I was doing was a good thing, actually, which was part of my problem.

I was expressing my concern to someone, who told me something that I was shocked to hear:  no matter what I do, how I do it, or why I do it, there are going to be 20 people who don't like me.  No matter what.  They might not like me because I'm a woman, or because I have red hair.  They might not like me because of what I'm wearing, or because of the way that I talk.  They might think that I'm wasting their time.  But no matter what, 20 people in that audience are not going to like me, and there's nothing that I can do to change that.

At first, I was offended.  Who does he think he is to tell me that some people there don't like me?  But then, as I thought more about it, it was kind of freeing.  He's right.  There is no way that I can make everyone happy.  Some people are going to dislike me no matter what I do.  No matter how hard I try.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong about wanting to be liked.  Of course you want to be liked.  It feels good.  And I don't think that there's anything intrinsically wrong about wanting to make people happy, either.  Again, of course you want to make people happy!  That, too, feels good!

But for me, it has almost been a way of life, a world view, a philosophy:  make everyone else happy at all costs.  So that meant that I have never stood up for myself.  It meant that I have never really stood up for anything that I believe in.  It meant that I became a slave to this idea.  I have lived a very passive-aggressive life because of my need to please people.  It has become controlling, and dangerous.

A part of me wishes that I could just change this about myself, or that God would just change it about me.  If God can heal any sickness, if God can free us from any form of slavery, why doesn't He just take this away from me?  I have wondered that so many times.  But what's funny about this specific weakness is that the only way to get the strength to start standing up for myself is to start standing up for myself.  God can't stand up for myself.  Yes, He could maybe protect me from having the need to stand up for myself, but if He did that, then I'd still be a slave, just to Him.  I'd never have the strength that I need in order to do it myself.  I'd be totally dependent on Him.  And in one sense, He does want us to be totally dependent on Him, but He also wants us to be able to stand up for what's right, and defending our own lives is what's right.  If my life has dignity, I need to protect that dignity, just like I'd protect anything else that has dignity (although, to be honest, I'm not very good at that, either).

I know, looking back, that most of the time that people hurt me, they aren't trying to hurt me (with a few exceptions).  Most of the time, they aren't even aware that they're hurting me!  So if I were to gently and lovingly confront the person who hurts me, simply by saying, "When you said that, it hurt my feelings," if that person is a good one, they'd apologize and know not to do that again.  People are good, but I'm not giving them the chance to show their goodness. 

Like all things, there needs to be balance.  Pray that God gives you the fortitude to stand up for the dignity of someone who desperate needs it:  you.

Women's Wednesday - Disney's "Frozen"

I AM TRYING TO NOT PUT SPOILERS IN HERE, BUT IT MIGHT BE IMPOSSIBLE, SO PLEASE BE AWARE OF THAT AS YOU READ!

As I watched the movie, "Frozen," I was beginning to get discouraged by the message.  It took me a long time to see the movie, so I had heard a lot about it (and I had the song "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" practically memorized because everybody kept singing it all the time!).  I had heard that there was a really powerful message for girls in the movie, and that it was vastly different than every other children's princess movie aimed at young girls.

I started to get discouraged, but there was a little twist, right at the very end of the movie, that made me feel better about it. The movie posed the question, "what is the definition of true love?" and it answered it perfectly.

However, my fear about this movie is that, because it deals with romantic love, that some people might discredit it as a movie that is somehow "anti-woman."  I took a class in college called "Disney's Women and Girls," obviously a women's studies class, and I learned about all of the ways that Disney has supposedly destroyed women.  That girls who watch these movies will inevitably become trapped in a cycle of worshiping men and not having a voice of their own.  The class even went so far as to say that the movie "Mulan" was destructive to women because Mulan ended up with a man.  Even though none of her journey or story was inspired by, motivated by, or even really centered around finding a man, that it just sort of happened on its own, the class tried to teach us that Mulan shouldn't have ended up with him because it teaches girls that you'll never be happy unless you find a man.  Yeah.  That's the message that girls got out of that movie.

It was really refreshing to see the movie "Frozen" and how it portrayed the girls in the movie.  They were strong.  They were brave.  They stood by each other.  They sacrificed their own happiness for the sake of others (Elsa sacrificed her relationship with Anna in order to protect all of them, and Anna sacrificed, well, see the movie and you'll find out).  Movies like "Frozen," "Lilo and Stitch," and "Mulan" are amazing movies that show how much power women really have without taking away their femininity completely.  It's ok to be feminine and be strong.  Those two things don't oppose each other. 

I really recommend the movie "Frozen."  If you haven't seen it, it's out now!  I think that it has a good, positive, amazing message about love, sisterhood and friendship.

Women's Wednesday - Confidence

You either have it or you don't.  If you have it, good for you!  If you don't have it, getting it can be a real struggle.  You can pretend to have it, but that often only leads to having less of it.  You can celebrate the fact that you don't have it, but if you do that, chances are that you actually have more of it than you think.  And then there's those people who have too much of it, or have it in areas where it doesn't belong.  What is it?  Confidence.

Confidence is one of the most attractive qualities that a person can have, but, unfortunately, you can't just force it upon yourself.  The more you try to force it, the less you seem to have it.

I had a friend who was extremely confident.  As confidence is something that I tend to struggle with, I really looked up to her.  She was beautiful, smart, successful, and someone who people really felt comfortable with.  I tended to feel more confident just by being around her.

 But I have also had friends who lacked self awareness in an extreme way.  These are people who have confidence where they shouldn't have confidence.  For instance, people who are know-it-alls about certain areas of life, but who, after talking with them, I learn that they really have no idea what they are talking about.  People who don't take correction, even when they desperately need to be corrected.

Correcting problems of confidence is impossible without an open mind.  No, that's not an exaggeration.  It is impossible.  If you aren't willing to try the things that create confidence, you aren't going to obtain it.  There is no way.  Why?  Because confidence is not something that anybody can give you.  Nobody can force confidence upon you.  It is something that you have to give yourself.  And it's one of the greatest gifts you can possibly give.

So, my question for you is:  are you ready to be confident?

I don't have all the answers.  I have just come to the realization that I am worth it.  That I desire confidence enough to do something about it.  That only I can give it to myself.  So here is what I'm doing about it.

7 - Have fun.  Schedule it into your day.  Every.  Single.  Day.  That may seem weird:  "What are you doing today at 10:00 am?"  "I'm having fun."  Seriously, though, schedule it!  At least until it becomes a regular part of your life.  Fun doesn't have to mean anything extreme.  I think that our culture tries to define "fun" in certain terms, but those terms aren't good.  There are multiple ways to have fun, and as far as I'm concerned, drunkenness isn't one of them.  Partying isn't one of them.  Fun can be as simple as painting a picture (especially if you aren't a talented painter!  It could be fun to just splash paint around and see what you get), or having karaoke night with your roommate using Youtube.  Just remember to keep it simple!  People who have more fun tend to have more confidence!
6 -  Smile more.  Even if you don't mean it.  But DON'T be one of those people who feels sorry for themselves for smiling even though they are breaking on the inside.  If you don't mean it, say a prayer that eventually you will mean it. 
5 - Notice the good around you. Notice the good in others.  If you start practicing noticing the good in others, you will naturally start noticing the good in yourself.  At least, it will become part of your habit, which will seem more natural when you start to make the shift towards yourself.
4 - Be someone worth having confidence in.  This doesn't mean "be beautiful," although that is a good way to be.  But make good, pure, holy choices.  Read books, listen to music and watch shows that fill your mind with good, pure and holy thoughts.  
3 - Accept compliments from others. Don't let yourself believe that they are lying just to be fake or mean.  If they are doing that, than so what?  You can still accept their compliment.  They don't have to mean it for it to be true.
2 - Tell yourself your worth.  I know that it's difficult to admit the good in ourselves.  It seems like an arrogant way to be.  But just because it seems that way doesn't mean that it is true.  It's not arrogant to recognize God's good works.  It gives Him glory.  In fact, I would go so far as to say it's sinful to not recognize His good works in ourselves.  Those good works could be about our looks, intelligence, humor, musical gifts, artistic gifts, kindness, compassion, friendship, loyalty, etc.  If there's something good in you, than God put it there.  He created it in you.  Identify those things and use them to bring Him glory.
1 - Let God tell you your worth.  He made you.  He knows it.  If you hear the voice that says that there is nothing worthy in you, than recognize that it is Satan who is saying that to you, and that he is nobody/nothing, and that you don't have to listen to or believe his lies.