Modesty, the dreaded word that so many Christians (especially girls) know they should care about but don't want to think about because if you don't think about it, well then, you don't have to do it! Right?! Wrong!
Modesty is annoying to people because, mainly, it isn’t exactly a clear topic. I read about it in various places, I see quotes that people think are helpful, and I discover through those things that people don’t really have a clear idea about what modesty is. They are close, but not exactly on point when they say,
“It’s a man’s job to respect women, but its a woman’s job to give him something to respect,"
Or...
“Dressing immodestly is like rolling around in manure. Yes, you’ll get attention but mostly from pigs,”
“Showing a great amount of skin when you dress up isn’t the way to find prince charming. Prince charming likes his gifts wrapped.”
Maybe those quotes are helpful for certain aspects of modesty, but they aren’t what modesty is all about. They can even be harmful because, well, the fact is that calling men "pigs" is actually an immodest action in itself.
So, what is modesty NOT? Modesty is not “conservative fashion.” Modesty is NOT about being “Hot.” Ever. Ever ever ever ever ever! Because being “hot” is not the same as beautiful, lovely, or pure. Modest is NOT hottest. Modesty is not about preventing others from sinning either. It’s not even about your future husband. Not really.
Modesty is a virtue, and all virtues should be upheld for the sake of the virtue itself. It is about your own disposition, not everyone else’s. It’s between you and God (not you and your future spouse even).
Modesty is about honor. It’s about honoring yourself; it’s about honoring God; it’s about honoring those around you. Let’s break these apart.
Honoring yourself:
When I was in college I knew a girl who was undoubtedly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. She was smart, funny, kind, gentle, and carried herself with confidence and love. People were drawn to her. She lived in a sorority with girls who didn’t maintain the same values that she did, but nevertheless, she remained true to what she believed. She didn’t really talk about her values a whole lot to those girls at first. She just lived what she believed. And they took notice of her and began to ask her questions. They wanted to know why she did what she did, and why she (gently, kindly and lovingly) refused to dress or behave in immodest ways. Her clothing choices were cute, but not revealing. And that wasn’t the only way that she was modest. She didn’t swear. She didn’t drink excessively. She didn’t gossip. She wasn’t lazy. She wasn’t a flirt. She ate healthy foods and she ate in moderation. She made sure to get enough sleep and to get enough exercise. Let me tell you, this girl had no problems making friends, male or female. People adored her.
Over time, the girls in her sorority were the ones who asked her questions. They were the ones who began these conversations, and it was because they were curious about her. She was very open with them. She shared her thoughts, beliefs and values with courage and grace. As I spent more time with her, I saw something happen with the men in the community...they respected her. They enjoyed her company and they saw her as something more than just a thing to be used. They saw her as a person.
Like I said, she was (and still is) beautiful. But one word that nobody ever used to describe her was hot.
The thing about this girl was that she didn’t need the approval of anyone else. She loved herself, and she loved modesty. She embraced it. She didn’t just live modestly in order to be seen as modest. She didn’t do it in order to use reverse psychology on guys, in order to leave “MORE to their imagination.” In fact, she’d probably be horrified if someone ever said something like that to her. She didn’t want people thinking about her in those ways. She was modest because she respected herself and she knew that she had more to offer the world than just what her body looked like. She had intelligence, kindness, compassion, humor, friendship, love, goodness, beauty, faith, etc. She loved those things about herself, and she was confident in those things. She was attractive, not hot. People wanted to be with her, they didn’t want her.
Why do you want to be seen as “hot?” What does that desire tell you about yourself? Which is better: to be hot or to be beautiful?
Honoring God:
In order to make excuses for dressing immodestly, people will say things like, “God made this body, so I’m giving Him glory by showing it off.” Those people aren’t truly desiring to show God’s glory with their bodies. Any person who is showing off their body, no matter what reason they claim to be showing it off, is doing so in order to give themselves glory. We don’t give God glory by showing off our bodies. We give God glory by using them properly.
God made you good. In fact, He made you VERY good. And to reduce yourself to a bag of body parts is like saying that God didn’t do a good ENOUGH job making you. To say that you are only a body does not give Him glory. You are a soul. You have a body.
God gave us bodies in order to give Him glory, which is why it’s so easy to use our bodies to
sin. Satan attacks those things that bring us closer to God, and so He convinces us that our bodies are our own and that we can use them how WE please. It’s a slippery slope from using our own bodies how we please to using others. And both are wrong. We have to train ourselves to use our bodies to give glory to God, especially because our culture (well, actually, Satan) tries to use everything in its power to convince us otherwise. Ultimately, our bodies are given to us in order to create more people. In fact, one of the first commandments that God gives Adam and Eve is to “be fruitful and multiply.” And that commandment is repeated multiple times in the Book of Genesis. You can see why Satan would take that commandment and distort it to take away from God. God didn’t say to be fruitful and multiply with any person at any time, but Satan would tell us otherwise. Yes, we are called to be fruitful and multiply, but in the context of Holy Matrimony. The sixth commandment talks about how we should not commit adultery, but Jesus says that any person who looks with lust at another has already committed adultery in their heart.
The love of modesty protects us from further sin. It protects us from adultery. It protects us from every kind of impurity.
Honoring those around you:
Ok, so the POINT of modesty is not to make sure that those around you aren’t sinning, but that is a part of it. Let me be clear here: YOU CANNOT PREVENT ANOTHER PERSON FROM THINKING LUSTFUL THOUGHTS. You can't stop that from happening. There is only one person in the world that you can control and that person is yourself. Period. That’s it. However, if you are dressing with the intention of causing people to think about you in a certain way, and they do, you are at fault of what Jesus warns of in Matthew 18:6, which says, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Yikes!
Also, don’t believe the lie that women don’t let their thoughts become lustful in the ways they see men. Matthew 5:28 doesn’t JUST apply to men looking at women, even though it specifically talks about men: “But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” If you have posters of shirtless celebrities, or if you pin them on pinterest, what are you really seeing when you look at that person? Are you seeing the person or are you seeing the body? Check your thoughts. Check your reactions. A truly modest person would not allow themselves to think lustful thoughts about those men, either.
So what now? How SHOULD I dress? What do I DO? What should I NOT do?
Blessed Pope John Paul II said something that could be applied to the topic of modesty, even though he was addressing a different issue. He said, “There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person. In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of the person, but that it shows far too little.” Well the same thing could be said of immodesty.
There are not set rules for how to dress modestly. It’s ok to look cute, to wear clothes that you think are nice, but be careful. Ask yourself, who am I giving glory to with this outfit? What is this saying about me? Am I trying to look hot or beautiful? Do I want people to see my body, or myself?
And remember, that modesty is not just about your dress. It’s about your character. It’s about your behavior. It’s about your language. In order for you to live modestly, you have to see the dignity in others, as well. That means not calling men names like "pigs," no matter how bad their actions may be. That means, loving those girls who DO choose to wear immodest clothing, or behave in immodest ways, despite the fact that you know better. You can still confront them with the love and dignity that they require as children of God. Like my friend. She "confronted" those girls by allowing them to come to her first.
Do you desire modesty? Do you desire purity? Answer these questions honestly, and answer them in prayer. God knows your heart, but He needs you to tell Him. Actually, that’s not correct. You need you to tell Him. You need to own your answer. If the answer is yes, that you do want modesty, good job! What are you doing in order to be modest? What do you still need to do?
If the answer is no (that you don’t want modesty), first of all, good job being honest. That’s a difficult thing to do. But do you want God? If the answer is yes, I have some difficult news for you: you can’t be immodest AND have God. The two don’t work together. But I’m curious, why don’t you want modesty? Ask God why you don’t want it. I think that you’ll be amazed by His answers. Believe me, He knows the answers that you don’t know. He knows what you’re afraid of. You can’t conquer your fear unless you acknowledge what it is.
If you don’t want God, it’s good that you answered the question honestly, too. However, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t believe you. I just don’t. Maybe you’re mistaken about who God is. Talk to Him. Even if you don’t want Him, give Him a chance. You’ll find amazing things through Him. You’ll find life, and life to the fullest.
