I need to ask for your forgiveness. Again I find myself giving into one of my biggest struggles. One of my biggest sins. This sin is one that most people would consider a "private sin," and therefore, they would say, I don't need to apologize to anyone else but God for this sin. That is not correct, though.
What is my sin? Feeling sorry for myself.
Yes, that's right, feeling sorry for yourself is a sin. One I commit way too often.
There are few things in life that are as horrible as the feeling of rejection. I should know. I've experienced it a lot. This year. This month, actually. While this month has been exciting (what with my promotion and all), I should simply be feeling good about everything. Yet, I find myself feeling sad about the things in my life that aren't going well. I find myself wondering if others are actually excited that I'm being promoted like they say, or if they are simply trying to be polite while really feeling disappointed that I'm the one replacing Richard. The stress of trying to read people's minds and determine their true feelings about me is burdensome. And impossible. Burden mixed with stress mixed with impossible goals often results in jumping to terrible conclusions, which I've done. While this should be a joyful, celebratory time for me, it's really turned into a time of sorrow, while I listen to the lies in my head that say that "everyone is lying to you. Nobody really wants you." Insecurity - my oldest companion.
Top all this off with the fact that I have been excluded from a lot of events lately, and you get yourself a real bad recipe. People who should have included me in special events have decided that they don't want me to be part of their celebrations and festivities. People appreciate my skills, but don't like me as a person. Things are just tough sometimes. When I feel rejected, which I have a lot lately, I feel sorry for myself. It's just how it goes.
I want to break that cycle. I'm working on it. Hard. But I did it again. I found myself entertaining these thoughts willingly.
Everybody wants to be chosen. Everybody wants to be wanted. I guess I can't really speak for everyone, but I know that I sure do. I don't think I'm unique because of that, either. When I experience rejection, even if there are other things that are going so well in my life, like a job promotion for instance, I have a tendency to focus all of my attention on myself, to make broad generalizations about myself (like I'm unlovable or I'm annoying or I'm stupid or I'm awkward), and to allow myself to enter into despair.
When you experience rejection, it's ok to feel sad. In fact, you should feel sad. It's ok to feel frustrated. It's frustrating to want something, to give to someone, to love someone who doesn't reciprocate, appreciate or care. Feel sad; feel frustrated; don't wallow.
So...this is my confession. This is me asking for forgiveness from you (I'll ask God for forgiveness in the Sacrament of Reconciliation later). I don't want to take you and your love for granted. I have some amazing people in my life, who I love dearly. Who I know love me, too. I'm sorry that I let myself believe that you were incapable of loving me. I know that you're a good person. That's why I want your love. And yet, I tell myself that you aren't a good enough person to love me. That's just crazy! I'm so sorry. I'm working on this. I'm working so hard. Please pray for me.
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