Out of Control

"We live in a society more concerned with promoting and protecting self expression than in producing selves worth expressing." - Matthew Kelly 

Think back to what you wanted to be when you were a kid.  What was it?  A doctor?  An astronaut?  A fireman?  The President?  An athlete?  A musician?  Who are the people in your life who you really admire?  I'm not talking about celebrities who are famous for stupid reasons.  I'm talking about the people who inspire you to be better.  I'm talking about your role models.

What does it take to obtain those dream jobs?  What do all of the real role models of our lives have in common?  The common factor, of course, is that they all require self control.

Trust me on this:  if you want to be successful at any career you take, or any endevour you embark upon, you are going to have to practice some amount of self control.  Even if your goal was to stay in bed forever.  You'd eventually want to get up to go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, shower, and maybe get a new book or change the batteries in your remote control.  In order to achieve that goal, silly as it is, you'd have to practice the self control to not get out of bed to do those things.

Successful people have to learn and practice self control, and they are good at it.

Let me ask you some more questions, to get to my point, here:

How do you respond when someone makes you angry?
How do you respond when someone makes you sad?
How do you respond when someone makes you happy?
How do you respond when someone makes you feel loved?
How do you respond when someone makes you feel scared?

The thing is that too many people act out of anger when they feel angry.  Or they mope and pout when they become sad.  We let our feelings control us to the point where we become slaves to them.  We forget that we have control over our feelings.  And we forget that we don't have to express them all the time.  Actually, we don't have to express them anytime.

When someone "makes" me angry, one of the most annoying things people tell me is that nobody can make me angry but myself.  When someone says something like this to me, I usually think, "And now you are making me angry."  But don't you see?  It's the truth, even though it's annoying.  Nobody can make me angry but me, because I have control over my emotions.  I can chose to let that person push my buttons and bug me, or I can choose control my emotions and keep myself calm.  I, also, have the choice of how to react to that situation.

God calls us to have discipline.  Which means that we have to do the right thing, even when we feel like doing the wrong thing.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel the emotion (although, after enough practice and training, you can learn to control that, too), but I'm talking about action.  Expressing those feelings.  Acting out in anger, sadness, hate, revenge, hurt, etc.  God always wants you to seek His guidance and help and to not act out of feeling.

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” - Jim Rohn

Now, I'm not going to lie to you, self control doesn't always feel very good.  But I'm also not going to lie to you to pretend like the lack of self-control always feels good.  Maybe temporarily, but certainly not in the long run.  Think about the quote above by Jim Rohn.  Regret weighs so much more than discipline.  And I will take it to the next level.  The weight of discipline is momentary, while the weight of regret is lasting.

Here's an example of what it means to practice self-control:  patience.  Do you know that the word "patience" actually comes from the word that means "suffering?"  Basically, patience means suffering!  In order to have great patience, you have to be able to control yourself.  When someone is annoying you, you are to behave with love, which can be painful.  

Or drama.  How many of you actually like being around friends who are always creating drama?  Drama is a result of a lack of self control!  You know, those people whose lives are what Sean Covey, the author of the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens, calls "enemy-centered."  Those friends who always hate other people, who are constantly ending friendships, and asking you to end friendships as a result of that hate.  Those friends who are always getting in trouble because of the text messages they send.  Those people have a serious lack of self-control.  Drama is always a result of emotions taking over, and control flying out the window.

Now, I'm not saying that self expression is a bad thing.   Don't think that is the point of this message.  If you get done reading this with the idea that I am saying that you shouldn't ever express yourself, than re-read what I've written, and change the lenses with which you read.  Self expression is not intrinsically evil.

However, self control is intrinsically holy.  Self control is a virtue.  Self expression is not.  Well, at least not in the eyes of the Church.  However, the culture has a different idea all together.

Now, I know what you're thinking.  Here's this girl who is writing a blog (which is, of course, all about self expression, and nothing new), and talking about why self expression needs to be under control. I know that it sounds totally hypocritical.  You can call me a hypocrite if you want, but try to use self-control!  The point that I'm trying to make is that self-expression and self-control can and should work together

It sure is easy these days, though, isn't it?  To not use self-control   We are actively being taught that we have a "need" to express ourselves.  And, I suppose that a person who never expressed themselves would not really be a person at all.  They'd be, like, a log.  A log cannot express itself. 

But the fact of the matter is that self control is more important.  It is better.  Scripture is full of passages about the importance and need for self control.  Here are a few examples:

Proverbs 25:28 - "Like an open city with no defenses is the man with no check on his feelings."

Galatians 5:22-23 - "In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law."

 2 Peter 1:5-7 - "For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, virtue with knowledge, knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with devotion, devotion with mutual affection, mutual affection with love."

2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control."

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 - "Do you not know that the runners in the stadium all run in the race, but only one wins the prize?  Run so as to win.  Every athlete exercises discipline in every way.  They do it to win a perishable crown, but we an imperishable one.  Thus I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight as if I were shadowboxing.  No, I drive my body and train it, for fear that, after having preached to others, I myself should be disqualified."

Get the point?  There are so many verses in scripture that promote self control, and none that promote self expression.  Zero.  

Now, like I said before, self expression is not evil.  But it must be done with an element of self control.  Those two things don't oppose each other in theory.  Not necessarily.  But they frequently do in practice.  

Like Luke Skywalker in "The Empire Strikes Back," if you don't believe you can control yourself, your feelings and your actions, you can't.  But God will give you the strength to get through.  We, like Adam and Eve, are constantly fighting the temptation to lose control, but if only we call out to God and ask for the strength to overcome, can we.  

We are right smack in the middle of Lent, a time to refine our self-control skills.  How are your lenten commitments going?  Do you need more self-control?  If so, what are you doing to get it?  Let me give you a hint:  prayer is an excellent way to gain self control!  For, as we are reminded in the Letter to the Philippians:  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.


Here are some questions to reflect on:

1.         How do you react to situations that make you emotional? 

2.       What does “virtue” mean?

3.       Talk about a time when you regretted your choice.  What do you wish you would have done?

4.      Talk about ways that you see that God is calling you to practice self control in your life right now.

5.       When you are in a moment when you are experiencing a lot of emotion, what can you do to control it?  (point out to them at some point that they MUST believe that they can control it first)