My Struggle with Envy: It's Not About You

I never really considered that I had a problem with envy. I always thought that I had problems with anger, depression, low self-esteem, and things like that, but I never really used the word envy to explain why I experienced and struggled with those other things. But I have recently come to understand that what I really struggle with is, in fact, envy.

In fact, I can probably see how envy contributed to every conflict I've had with friends, family, and co-workers. It might not always be the main problem, but it is probably always there. Even with those who I told myself I pitied, or whose life I would never want. If I looked hard enough, I'm sure it's there.

In my past, I would get angry when I'd see friends post things on Facebook about their marriages and parenthood. When my friends who are moms would talk about nothing else besides being a mom, I would list off (in my head) all of the reasons why it it was "wrong" of them to do so. Honestly, it felt like they were rubbing salt in my wounds.




It was last summer when I realized that my problem was really jealousy. More specifically, it was envy.

See, at that time, I had good news. I was really excited about it. I told a "friend" my good news, and she actually got mad at me. To my face. And she made me feel bad that this good thing was happening to me and not her. Her attitude totally sucked the joy out of the situation, that really had nothing to do with her. It's not like we were competing over a job and I won it. It had nothing to do with her at all. And she made me feel like dirt.



The thing is, envy doesn't feel good whether you are on the "giving" end OR the receiving end. I hated that she was envious. I wanted her to be happy for me. But what I got was anger, frustration, and blame.

I think a lot about that quote from the movie Seven Years in Tibet. I think I've even written about it before. It says:

"A friend's good fortune is a blessing, Heinrich. I'm sorry you resent ours. You must be very lonely and sad."



A friend's joy is a blessing for me, too. After all, I would give a lot to make my friends happy. But, like that quote says, it is a lonely and sad person who lets envy live and thrive in their lives. Envy pushes people away. Envy doesn't celebrate; envy mourns.

So, I am sorry to everyone who I have hurt with my envy. I am sorry if I have ever taken a piece of your joy by being sad for myself. I realize that you being happy that your kid did something amazing is in no way about me. You should be proud of your child. Your engagement has nothing to do with me, either. Be happy, and let me be happy, too!

If I'm being totally honest, then yes, I will probably be sad for myself if I see you have something that I also want, but that doesn't mean that I should take away your joy. That doesn't mean that I should make you feel like you've done something bad or wrong for having a good thing. You deserve goodness, and I hope that I can have the strength and selflessness to increase your joy as much as possible.




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Yes, I Want a Wedding and a Marriage, Can't I Have Both?

I will admit it: I want a wedding. I have a Pinterest board dedicated to wedding stuff. I dream about my wedding, my proposal, and my husband. And yes, I am single. As single as they get.

But I don't just dream about my wedding. I dream about my marriage. I dream about my children. And I know that tired line about how marriage and parenthood are difficult and blah blah blah, but that's what my heart wants. And to me, the challenge would be out weighed with love.




Being single is really quite difficult. And lonely. And sad. And not what we are made for from the beginning. Which is why, if some man loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me, and if I love him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him, to enter into the holy covenant that God created for us originally, to obtain the grace to live out our Vocations as holy husband and wife, and if we are going to plan on having a children together (which is the highest blessing God could give), then you betcha, we are going to CELEBRATE that with the wedding of our dreams! And I will not apologize for that even a little bit!




Someday, if I do get the miracle of finding someone to marry me, I am going to have a beautiful wedding, and I don't want anyone to tell me that it's just because I want a wedding and not a marriage. This is a thing that satan tells us in order to cheapen marriage. Jesus attended a wedding, an elaborate one at that. And He wouldn't have done it if it was wrong. A marriage is something to be celebrated, and a wonderful wedding ceremony and party afterwords don't cheapen it at all. Maybe becoming Bridezilla cheapens it, but taking pictures/video at my engagement/wedding, to commemorate such a blessed day, buying a lovely dress, flowers, cake, food and music doesn't make my marriage any less meaningful. I want a marriage, and I want to celebrate it! It is a thing worth celebrating!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Not Having Goals is Boring

A friend recently posted a Facebook status that asked for opinions on a blog or a post or some sort of rant that someone wrote about how "GOALS ARE BULL[EXPLETIVES]."  I'm always good for an opinion it seems, but since the friend then followed up the request by specifying she wanted opinions from a specific friend (not me), I didn't know if I should post anything.  So instead of mucking up her Facebook wall, I decided to write my passionate response here. Also, for two different reasons in the last two hours, I thought that my life was in jeopardy. Seriously. I still don't know if it actually was in danger in one case (I think that I will find out though, tomorrow). So I have a little bit of adrenaline in me right now, which may influence my writing.

Goals are good.  Necessary.  And, well, it's just illogical to say otherwise.

We all make goals.  We make goals all the time. Often times they are simple goals, like, "Tomorrow I will get up on time."  Is that so bad, really?

As Catholics, there is NO getting around it!  Goals are some of the most important parts of our faith.  In fact, 1 Peter even talks about goals, saying that the goal of our faith is Salvation (1 Peter 1:9).  Is that, also, bad?

And what do we say during the Act of Contrition at the end of Reconciliation?  We say "I firmly resolve with the help of Your grace, to confess my sins, to do penance and to amend my life."  A resolution IS a goal. If you heartily believe that goals are bad, then you have no right or authority to pray that prayer because that prayer would be a lie.


Our culture has such a negative view on goals.  Why?  Because people make New Years Resolutions they don't keep?  Or is it because goals present a challenge that people are simply too lazy to deal with?  The person who wrote the blog/post/article thing stated that it's because sometimes people stick to goals that are unhealthy or bad for themselves. But does that mean that there is something intrinsically wrong with goals (by the way, the author later wrote that 9 out of ten times, goals ARE good. So which is it? Are they bad or are they mostly good?).

I don't understand this idea that goals are bad. People who believe that they are act like there is some evil associated with them. Like I said, I just don't get it.

No athlete accidentally ended up winning a gold medal at the Olympics. No author accidentally planned, wrote, edited and published a best selling book. No doctor accidentally graduated from medical school. No President accidentally got elected. No Saint accidentally ended up in Heaven. Great accomplishments take planning, forethought, desire and work. Greatness requires goal setting.

Why does this bother me so much? Well, because I have accomplished things as a result of my goal setting. And I have known people in me life who have been so afraid of the "evil" that is "goal setting," that they have ended up in very bad situations. I've seen the sorrow that comes from a lack of goal setting and it ain't pretty.

If you don't have goals, then what's the point of living? The author in question here mentioned that, once you reach a goal, you feel like there's nothing more to work for. Like there's no more in life. Well, there is this amazing thing called, "setting a new goal." Like in the movie "Tangled." It always makes me feel all girly and dorky when Flynn says, "you were my new dream," and Rapunzel responds, "and you were mine." Ugh! I love it! Rapunzel was able to move in her life after she did achieve her life goal, and Flynn was able to move on after realizing that his old goal was a bad one. Which is funny, because he actually ended up getting his old goal, but since that goes against the point I was trying to make, forget that I pointed that out just now! After all, it's a fairy tale. And a cartoon. It's a story of a socially skilled girl with magic hair that glows when she sings who falls in love with the first person she's EVER talked to or interacted with (besides her mother) in her entire life. It's adorable, but there's not a lot of realistic-ness in that story, including Flynn getting his dream of riches and castles. But I digress.

So what is the point if living without goals? If you're not going towards something, what are you doing? You're standing still. And standing still in life is just boring. I mean, even if you're going backwards, you're still going.  It's still more interesting than just standing still.  Lessons can be learned from going backwards.  A person who truly never made goals would become bored and lonely because people typically don't like to hang out with boring people. Could you imagine a movie based off of characters who didn't have any goals? There'd be no plot. No purpose.

The post thing ended with the person saying that it's our intentions that really matter. To me it's like tomato/tomato (funny how that expression doesn't really work in writing). Intentions and goals really are the same thing. Intending how you will spend your time and setting goals for your time are the same thing. But for some reason, the word goal has bad connotations for that person, so if setting intentions instead of goals is what they need to do to have a fulfilling life, I suppose that's ok, because it really is the exact same thing. 

Haha!  They said the same thing I said!

Goals are good. If you want to see for yourself, try going a day without making a single goal. Oh, you can't, because in order to do so, you'd have to make the goal to not make goals, and then you'd lose. 

So don't do it.  Don't make any goals.  Don't make a bucket list.  Don't get an education.  Don't be in a loving and committed relationship.  Don't be healthy.  Don't own a house.  Don't help anyone.  If that's what you want.  Don't go to Heaven.  Goals are clearly trying to ruin your life.  So just...don't.

Must I?: Krissy's List of Life Stuff

I have recently seen a lot of posts about things that I, for some reason or another, "must" do.  Youtube videos called "Places you must travel to while in your 20's," or "Things every woman must know," or "Foods you must try."  As I read through these lists, I find myself feeling a variety of emotions:  inspiration to do/be something cool or different, sadness at what I haven't accomplished, jealousy that others get to accomplish those things that I can't (afford to) do, and more sadness that they tell me to do things that I believe are morally wrong (apparently I am "supposed" to carry a condom and Plan B with me at all times!).  I feel so down after reading those posts and watching those videos, when I think that the goal from those authors is to get me to feel only inspired and/or accomplished.

They don't even make sense.  I mean, so often the list will say, "Have enough confidence to not do what anyone else tells you to do," or "Don't let anyone dictate your life," or "Break the rules."  Ok, so if I follow your advice, you're saying that I shouldn't do what YOU tell me to do.  But, by not doing what you tell me to do, I AM doing what you tell me to do.  You see why that's a conundrum? 

I have come to the conclusion that those lists really should be called, "what I should do, because I liked it, and I think that you might like it, too, so maybe I'll inspire you to do something you've always wanted to do or to try something new."  I guess I can see why that isn't the title.  It's a little cumbersome.  It just seems that those authors are really writing those lists for themselves.  Who says that I should sky dive in my 20's?  Why?  I don't want to sky dive.  I wouldn't like it, and it'd be a waste of my money, time, worry, stress and adrenaline (ok, YES, I realize that adrenaline is not, like, in short supply, but you get my point).  What are the reasons we "must" do these things?  Who are you to tell me that?  I always want to scream, "Stop 'shoulding' all over me!"

My 29th birthday is rapidly approaching, which means that I have one year left in my 20's.  At this point, there is an expectation that I have completed a certain number of things on my check-list of life.  Well, instead of going by someone else's standards, I am going to create my own list for myself.  If these things don't apply to you, than that's ok, because I don't expect that they will be universal.  But here is, "Krissy's List of Life Stuff:"

1.  Eat food.

2.  Drink water

3.  Drink less Diet Coke

4.  Sing loudly in your car with every chance you get, but never subject others to that torture

5.  Wear your ugly green shorts around the house, but no where else

6.  Enjoy the summer

7.  Be proud of the fact that you still (and always will) LOVE N'Sync

8.  Change your mind about what you like (I used to not like onions, and now I do.  I used to not like riding a bike, and now I do.  I used to like mayonnaise, and now I don't).

9.  Realize that #7 on this list possibly contradicts #8, and be ok with that

10.  Keep quoting movies, even if some people think it's weird or annoying

11.  Stand up for good grammar, even if some people think it's weird or annoying

12.  Remember that sarcasm sometimes hurts people's feelings, and that you're better than that (this is not a sarcastic way of approving sarcasm either.  I was being real)

13.  Don't ever say, "a whole nother"

14.  Keep watching children's movies.  They're good for your soul

15.  Remember that you do love kids, even though they kind of scare you and you haven't spent much time around kids (younger than junior high aged kids, that is)

16.  Don't drive where you can walk

17.  Ignore #16 if it's cold.  Like, really, really, cold.  Or windy.  Rain, you can handle, but not the cold.

18.  Give actual compliments.  People crave positivity.  It's amazing what genuine, real, actual kind words can do to a person's heart

19.  T-Rex is awesome.  Don't forget it, even though you have re-occurring T-Rex nightmares!

20.  Sleep appropriate amounts (not too little, but not too much, either)

21.  Stop being annoyed so much

22.  Go back to the places where bad memories were made.  Re-listen to songs that remind you of bad things.  Create new memories associated with those things, so they aren't ruined forever (remember, nothing is ever ruined forever)

23.  Some people aren't like you, and that's ok.  If they tell you that you should only cry one or two tears and then move on, smile, thank them for their advice, and then cry as many dang tears as you need to!  But don't tell them that.  It's not worth the fight.

24.  Some people aren't like you, and that's ok (it's worth putting in here twice)

25.  You will probably always worry about what people think of you.  You want to be liked.  You want to be loved.  You want to be accepted.  You want them to think well of you because they are important to you.  Because you care about them.  Because they mean something to you.  When you think that someone thinks poorly of you, try to stay calm about it.  Be rational.  Maybe they don't like you.  And maybe it's because of a real flaw in you.  You aren't perfect.  You can work on your flaws.  Maybe they do like you but the crazy version of yourself is rearing.  You can stop being crazy.  But, as hard as it may be for you, don't let them change the good in you.  If you can't stop that, than that person doesn't deserve to be in your life.  It'll hurt.  It'll be lonely.  It'll be sad.  Because you care about people.  And you care about their opinions.  And, despite what may appear to some, it's not easy for you to just kick a person out of your life.  But don't let them change the good in you.  Don't let them take away your self-esteem.  Don't let them make you angry (and therefore, take away your trust, your forgiveness, your patience).  Don't let them take away the good in you.  And there is good in you.

Women's Wednesdays - Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

My whole life, all I've really wanted was one thing: to be good. And no matter how hard I try to be good, and no matter how much success I have at being good, I am haunted by the notion that I am just never ever going to be good enough.

I suppose that I am not alone in feeling this way. I think that women especially feel this kind of pressure. We are never satisfied with where we are. We want to be thinner, fitter, smarter, funnier, happier, successfuller, and always getting better and better. That's how magazines work. Look at the cover of magazines sometime and see how they promote one main thing: how to be better. A better mom. A better cook. A better fashionista. A better dieter. A better kisser. A better girlfriend/wife. A better friend. Have better hair. Have better skin. Have better fun. Have a better house. Have a better car. Have a better life. It's shoved in our faces all the time: be better.

That's not the most horrible thing in the world, striving to be better.  Some people really hate being challenged to be made better.  Look at these quotes for instance:

 

But those quotes aren't biblically correct.  In fact, they are blatantly incorrect.  Jesus Himself has a thing or two to say about this topic.  He says:  

At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them.  The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group  and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.  When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” - John 8:2-11

See what Jesus did there?  He challenged her to be better. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with trying to better oneself.  

No.  I'm not good enough.  Honestly.  I don't deserve the love that Jesus gives.  I don't deserve the love that anyone gives, actually.  That's kind of what's crazy about love:  it is undeserved.  If it was deserved, would it even be love?  

Jesus is an interesting fella, isn't He?  Let's break it apart:  he loves each of us, but none of us will ever be good enough for His love.  We will never ever deserve it.  And yet, He gives it to us freely anyway.  So, even though we don't deserve it, we get it anyway.  

I think that we (women, that is) really struggle with being good enough.  We should always be trying to be better, to "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48).  But, Jesus also knows that we fall.  That we fail.  That being perfect is not acheivable for us.  That's why we get confession.  We get to confess our sins and be forgiven.  Why?  Because He loves us.  Totally, completely, and perfectly.

It's difficult to accept, but it's important to try.  Maybe I won't ever be good enough, but I will be loved, and that is something to celebrate.

This week is Holy Week.  I urge you to reflect on how amazing God's love is and how, even though you've done nothing to deserve it, you get to experience it anyway.  

Getting it Done

It's that horrible time of year when there are so many good and fun things to do, but work, homework, and housework are not fun.  And yet, these things must be done.

All work becomes more difficult to do around the springtime. But work is a blessed activity, so my challenge to you is to try, as BEST as you possibly can, to re-frame your ideas of work, and see it as good.

God worked.  Jesus worked.  The Scriptures are full of evidence of this.  The first two chapters of the entire Bible is the story of God creating creation.  Work is a blessed thing.  If we want to be like Jesus (perfectly holy), than work is required.

And yet, it is a burden.  ESPECIALLY on these beautiful spring days. But it's not supposed to be a burden.  In fact, Christ says that "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" - Matthew 11:30.  But because we live in a fallen world, it is difficult.  It isn't easy and it isn't light.

Jesus says, "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" - Matthew 11:28.  At this point in the year, when you are burnt out, excited about the beautiful weather, and experiencing a lack of motivation, remember these three words:  go to Christ.  Run to Him!  Ask for His help!

The amazing thing is that if you ask Him for help, He'll provide it.  No, don't ask Him to do your work for you.  He doesn't work like that (work...get it!).  He will, though, help you find the motivation and strength to get your work done, and done well.  All things are possible through Him who gives you strength.  He will take the burden from you if you really let Him.

Pray for the desire to work. Think about it, if you enjoyed homework, chores, work, etc., as much as you enjoyed sunbathing, playing video games, etc., how great would that be?  Ask Him to give you that desire, and sit back and see what He does!

Women's Wednesday - Captain America

The movie Captain America came out this past weekend, and I just had to see it!  Captain America is definitely my dream guy.  He's kind, honest, loyal, strong, sincere, and devastatingly handsome!  What an amazing combination! 

It's difficult to believe that guys like him actually exist in the world.  In a way, they don't.  He is, after all, a superhero!  And those are fictitious!

But the thing about Captain America is that his superpower isn't really his incredible strength  or indestructability (nobody could jump out of a plane or off buildings or bridges and live.  If they did live, they'd have only broken bones.

To me, though, Captain America's real superpower isn't his strength or indestructability.  It's his personality.  That is, after all, why they chose him to do their experiments.  They knew that he'd use how power for good.  He was just that way.  Captain America, the quintessential good guy, has the power of kindness.

If the world is lacking in good guys, I am curious to know whose fault that is, really.  No, guys aren't perfect by any means, but how do girls treat the good guys in their lives?  How do they treat the "bad boys" in their lives?  Do you see what that does?  It causes guys to strive to be bad boys because we not only allow that kind of behavior, but encourage and reward it!

I was out with some friends one time, and one of the guys did something for me to make me feel more comfortable (I get anxious sometimes).  Another guy there saw what he was doing, but didn't know why he was doing it.  The guy came up to us and started making fun of my friend, who he didn't know, to us, who he didn't know.  He was calling my friend a baby and just being really, well, mean.  Now, there was a girl with us who was particularly pretty.  And I have no doubt that this rude, obnoxious guy was only trying to impress this girl in our group, by putting down our friend who was being a gentleman.  And you know what?  It worked!  I couldn't believe it!  She totally gave him her attention, and it was a positive kind of attention!  Now, this is the kind of girl who always goes for the bad boy, and always ends up crying because she's been hurt by them. 

With an attitude like that, it's no wonder that guys don't want to step up, be gentlemen, and do what's right. 

Let's step it up, girls!  Let's celebrate the good in our lives, especially the good men!  They respond to the kind of encouragement you give them!  They'll respond to this, too!

So here's to the good guy!  The guys who never lie, the guys who do what's right even if the consequences are severe.  I hope that more women out there do what's right and take notice of the nice guys in your lives.  They are true treasures.  Superheroes.  And you don't want to let them go!

Worn Out

Modesty, the dreaded word that so many Christians (especially girls) know they should care about but don't want to think about because if you don't think about it, well then, you don't have to do it!  Right?!  Wrong!  

Modesty is annoying to people because, mainly, it isn’t exactly a clear topic.  I read about it in various places, I see quotes that people think are helpful, and I discover through those things that people don’t really have a clear idea about what modesty is.  They are close, but not exactly on point when they say, 

“It’s a man’s job to respect women, but its a woman’s job to give him something to respect,"

Or...

“Dressing immodestly is like rolling around in manure.  Yes, you’ll get attention but mostly from pigs,” 

Or...

“Showing a great amount of skin when you dress up isn’t the way to find prince charming.  Prince charming likes his gifts wrapped.”  

Maybe those quotes are helpful for certain aspects of modesty, but they aren’t what modesty is all about.  They can even be harmful because, well, the fact is that calling men "pigs" is actually an immodest action in itself. 

So, what is modesty NOT?  Modesty is not “conservative fashion.”  Modesty is NOT about being “Hot.”  Ever.  Ever ever ever ever ever!  Because being “hot” is not the same as beautiful, lovely, or pure.  Modest is NOT hottest.  Modesty is not about preventing others from sinning either.  It’s not even about your future husband.  Not really.

Modesty is a virtue, and all virtues should be upheld for the sake of the virtue itself.  It is about your own disposition, not everyone else’s.  It’s between you and God (not you and your future spouse even).

Modesty is about honor.  It’s about honoring yourself; it’s about honoring God; it’s about honoring those around you.  Let’s break these apart.

Honoring yourself:

When I was in college I knew a girl who was undoubtedly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.  She was smart, funny, kind, gentle, and carried herself with confidence and love.  People were drawn to her.  She lived in a sorority with girls who didn’t maintain the same values that she did, but nevertheless, she remained true to what she believed.  She didn’t really talk about her values a whole lot to those girls at first.  She just lived what she believed.  And they took notice of her and began to ask her questions.  They wanted to know why she did what she did, and why she (gently, kindly and lovingly) refused to dress or behave in immodest ways.  Her clothing choices were cute, but not revealing.  And that wasn’t the only way that she was modest.  She didn’t swear.  She didn’t drink excessively.  She didn’t gossip.  She wasn’t lazy.  She wasn’t a flirt.  She ate healthy foods and she ate in moderation.  She made sure to get enough sleep and to get enough exercise.  Let me tell you, this girl had no problems making friends, male or female.  People adored her.

Over time, the girls in her sorority were the ones who asked her questions.  They were the ones who began these conversations, and it was because they were curious about her.  She was very open with them.  She shared her thoughts, beliefs and values with courage and grace.  As I spent more time with her, I saw something happen with the men in the community...they respected her.  They enjoyed her company and they saw her as something more than just a thing to be used.  They saw her as a person.  

Like I said, she was (and still is) beautiful.  But one word that nobody ever used to describe her was hot.  

The thing about this girl was that she didn’t need the approval of anyone else.  She loved herself, and she loved modesty.  She embraced it.  She didn’t just live modestly in order to be seen as modest.  She didn’t do it in order to use reverse psychology on guys, in order to leave “MORE to their imagination.”  In fact, she’d probably be horrified if someone ever said something like that to her.  She didn’t want people thinking about her in those ways.  She was modest because she respected herself and she knew that she had more to offer the world than just what her body looked like.  She had intelligence, kindness, compassion, humor, friendship, love, goodness, beauty, faith, etc.  She loved those things about herself, and she was confident in those things.  She was attractive, not hot.  People wanted to be with her, they didn’t want her.

Why do you want to be seen as “hot?”  What does that desire tell you about yourself?  Which is better: to be hot or to be beautiful?  

Honoring God:

In order to make excuses for dressing immodestly, people will say things like, “God made this body, so I’m giving Him glory by showing it off.”  Those people aren’t truly desiring to show God’s glory with their bodies.  Any person who is showing off their body, no matter what reason they claim to be showing it off, is doing so in order to give themselves glory.  We don’t give God glory by showing off our bodies.  We give God glory by using them properly.

God made you good.  In fact, He made you VERY good.  And to reduce yourself to a bag of body parts is like saying that God didn’t do a good ENOUGH job making you.  To say that you are only a body does not give Him glory.  You are a soul.  You have a body.

God gave us bodies in order to give Him glory, which is why it’s so easy to use our bodies to 

sin.  Satan attacks those things that bring us closer to God, and so He convinces us that our bodies are our own and that we can use them how WE please.  It’s a slippery slope from using our own bodies how we please to using others.  And both are wrong.  We have to train ourselves to use our bodies to give glory to God, especially because our culture (well, actually, Satan) tries to use everything in its power to convince us otherwise.  Ultimately, our bodies are given to us in order to create more people.  In fact, one of the first commandments that God gives Adam and Eve is to “be fruitful and multiply.”  And that commandment is repeated multiple times in the Book of Genesis.  You can see why Satan would take that commandment and distort it to take away from God.  God didn’t say to be fruitful and multiply with any person at any time, but Satan would tell us otherwise.  Yes, we are called to be fruitful and multiply, but in the context of Holy Matrimony.  The sixth commandment talks about how we should not commit adultery, but Jesus says that any person who looks with lust at another has already committed adultery in their heart.  

The love of modesty protects us from further sin.  It protects us from adultery.  It protects us  from every kind of impurity.  

Honoring those around you:

Ok, so the POINT of modesty is not to make sure that those around you aren’t sinning, but that is a part of it.  Let me be clear here:  YOU CANNOT PREVENT ANOTHER PERSON FROM THINKING LUSTFUL THOUGHTS.  You can't stop that from happening.  There is only one person in the world that you can control and that person is yourself.  Period.  That’s it.  However, if you are dressing with the intention of causing people to think about you in a certain way, and they do, you are at fault of what Jesus warns of in Matthew 18:6, which says, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Yikes!

Also, don’t believe the lie that women don’t let their thoughts become lustful in the ways they see men.  Matthew 5:28 doesn’t JUST apply to men looking at women, even though it specifically talks about men:  “But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  If you have posters of shirtless celebrities, or if you pin them on pinterest, what are you really seeing when you look at that person?  Are you seeing the person or are you seeing the body?  Check your thoughts.  Check your reactions.  A truly modest person would not allow themselves to think lustful thoughts about those men, either.  

So what now?  How SHOULD I dress?  What do I DO?  What should I NOT do?

Blessed Pope John Paul II said something that could be applied to the topic of modesty, even though he was addressing a different issue.  He said, “There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person. In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of the person, but that it shows far too little.”  Well the same thing could be said of immodesty.  

There are not set rules for how to dress modestly.  It’s ok to look cute, to wear clothes that you think are nice, but be careful.  Ask yourself, who am I giving glory to with this outfit?  What is this saying about me?  Am I trying to look hot or beautiful?  Do I want people to see my body, or myself?  

And remember, that modesty is not just about your dress.  It’s about your character.  It’s about your behavior.  It’s about your language.  In order for you to live modestly, you have to see the dignity in others, as well.  That means not calling men names like "pigs," no matter how bad their actions may be.  That means, loving those girls who DO choose to wear immodest clothing, or behave in immodest ways, despite the fact that you know better.  You can still confront them with the love and dignity that they require as children of God.  Like my friend.  She "confronted" those girls by allowing them to come to her first. 

Do you desire modesty?  Do you desire purity?  Answer these questions honestly, and answer them in prayer.  God knows your heart, but He needs you to tell Him.  Actually, that’s not correct.  You need you to tell Him.  You need to own your answer.  If the answer is yes, that you do want modesty, good job!  What are you doing in order to be modest?  What do you still need to do?

If the answer is no (that you don’t want modesty), first of all, good job being honest.  That’s a difficult thing to do.  But do you want God?  If the answer is yes, I have some difficult news for you:  you can’t be immodest AND have God.  The two don’t work together.  But I’m curious, why don’t you want modesty?  Ask God why you don’t want it.  I think that you’ll be amazed by His answers.  Believe me, He knows the answers that you don’t know.  He knows what you’re afraid of.  You can’t conquer your fear unless you acknowledge what it is.

If you don’t want God, it’s good that you answered the question honestly, too.  However, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t believe you.  I just don’t.  Maybe you’re mistaken about who God is.  Talk to Him.  Even if you don’t want Him, give Him a chance.  You’ll find amazing things through Him.  You’ll find life, and life to the fullest.

Women's Wednesday - People Pleasing Is Wrong?

I have lived a majority of my life trying to make everyone happy.  I have never wanted to rock the boat.  I've avoided conflict like the plague.  Actually, I've never really had to avoid the plague.  It's not really a problem these days.  But you get the point.  You can't make everyone happy.

I remember one time when I had to do a presentation in front of a lot of people.  Now, public speaking doesn't really bother me too much.  If I'm prepared and really know what I'm doing, I'm usually more confident than a lot of people.  But, nevertheless, I don't always enjoy it.  There are times when I love it, but there are times when I get nervous about it.  And this was one of those times.  I had to get up and say some things in front of a group, and I just didn't really want to do it.  I didn't really believe that what I was doing was a good thing, actually, which was part of my problem.

I was expressing my concern to someone, who told me something that I was shocked to hear:  no matter what I do, how I do it, or why I do it, there are going to be 20 people who don't like me.  No matter what.  They might not like me because I'm a woman, or because I have red hair.  They might not like me because of what I'm wearing, or because of the way that I talk.  They might think that I'm wasting their time.  But no matter what, 20 people in that audience are not going to like me, and there's nothing that I can do to change that.

At first, I was offended.  Who does he think he is to tell me that some people there don't like me?  But then, as I thought more about it, it was kind of freeing.  He's right.  There is no way that I can make everyone happy.  Some people are going to dislike me no matter what I do.  No matter how hard I try.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong about wanting to be liked.  Of course you want to be liked.  It feels good.  And I don't think that there's anything intrinsically wrong about wanting to make people happy, either.  Again, of course you want to make people happy!  That, too, feels good!

But for me, it has almost been a way of life, a world view, a philosophy:  make everyone else happy at all costs.  So that meant that I have never stood up for myself.  It meant that I have never really stood up for anything that I believe in.  It meant that I became a slave to this idea.  I have lived a very passive-aggressive life because of my need to please people.  It has become controlling, and dangerous.

A part of me wishes that I could just change this about myself, or that God would just change it about me.  If God can heal any sickness, if God can free us from any form of slavery, why doesn't He just take this away from me?  I have wondered that so many times.  But what's funny about this specific weakness is that the only way to get the strength to start standing up for myself is to start standing up for myself.  God can't stand up for myself.  Yes, He could maybe protect me from having the need to stand up for myself, but if He did that, then I'd still be a slave, just to Him.  I'd never have the strength that I need in order to do it myself.  I'd be totally dependent on Him.  And in one sense, He does want us to be totally dependent on Him, but He also wants us to be able to stand up for what's right, and defending our own lives is what's right.  If my life has dignity, I need to protect that dignity, just like I'd protect anything else that has dignity (although, to be honest, I'm not very good at that, either).

I know, looking back, that most of the time that people hurt me, they aren't trying to hurt me (with a few exceptions).  Most of the time, they aren't even aware that they're hurting me!  So if I were to gently and lovingly confront the person who hurts me, simply by saying, "When you said that, it hurt my feelings," if that person is a good one, they'd apologize and know not to do that again.  People are good, but I'm not giving them the chance to show their goodness. 

Like all things, there needs to be balance.  Pray that God gives you the fortitude to stand up for the dignity of someone who desperate needs it:  you.

Out of Control

"We live in a society more concerned with promoting and protecting self expression than in producing selves worth expressing." - Matthew Kelly 

Think back to what you wanted to be when you were a kid.  What was it?  A doctor?  An astronaut?  A fireman?  The President?  An athlete?  A musician?  Who are the people in your life who you really admire?  I'm not talking about celebrities who are famous for stupid reasons.  I'm talking about the people who inspire you to be better.  I'm talking about your role models.

What does it take to obtain those dream jobs?  What do all of the real role models of our lives have in common?  The common factor, of course, is that they all require self control.

Trust me on this:  if you want to be successful at any career you take, or any endevour you embark upon, you are going to have to practice some amount of self control.  Even if your goal was to stay in bed forever.  You'd eventually want to get up to go to the bathroom, brush your teeth, shower, and maybe get a new book or change the batteries in your remote control.  In order to achieve that goal, silly as it is, you'd have to practice the self control to not get out of bed to do those things.

Successful people have to learn and practice self control, and they are good at it.

Let me ask you some more questions, to get to my point, here:

How do you respond when someone makes you angry?
How do you respond when someone makes you sad?
How do you respond when someone makes you happy?
How do you respond when someone makes you feel loved?
How do you respond when someone makes you feel scared?

The thing is that too many people act out of anger when they feel angry.  Or they mope and pout when they become sad.  We let our feelings control us to the point where we become slaves to them.  We forget that we have control over our feelings.  And we forget that we don't have to express them all the time.  Actually, we don't have to express them anytime.

When someone "makes" me angry, one of the most annoying things people tell me is that nobody can make me angry but myself.  When someone says something like this to me, I usually think, "And now you are making me angry."  But don't you see?  It's the truth, even though it's annoying.  Nobody can make me angry but me, because I have control over my emotions.  I can chose to let that person push my buttons and bug me, or I can choose control my emotions and keep myself calm.  I, also, have the choice of how to react to that situation.

God calls us to have discipline.  Which means that we have to do the right thing, even when we feel like doing the wrong thing.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't feel the emotion (although, after enough practice and training, you can learn to control that, too), but I'm talking about action.  Expressing those feelings.  Acting out in anger, sadness, hate, revenge, hurt, etc.  God always wants you to seek His guidance and help and to not act out of feeling.

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” - Jim Rohn

Now, I'm not going to lie to you, self control doesn't always feel very good.  But I'm also not going to lie to you to pretend like the lack of self-control always feels good.  Maybe temporarily, but certainly not in the long run.  Think about the quote above by Jim Rohn.  Regret weighs so much more than discipline.  And I will take it to the next level.  The weight of discipline is momentary, while the weight of regret is lasting.

Here's an example of what it means to practice self-control:  patience.  Do you know that the word "patience" actually comes from the word that means "suffering?"  Basically, patience means suffering!  In order to have great patience, you have to be able to control yourself.  When someone is annoying you, you are to behave with love, which can be painful.  

Or drama.  How many of you actually like being around friends who are always creating drama?  Drama is a result of a lack of self control!  You know, those people whose lives are what Sean Covey, the author of the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens, calls "enemy-centered."  Those friends who always hate other people, who are constantly ending friendships, and asking you to end friendships as a result of that hate.  Those friends who are always getting in trouble because of the text messages they send.  Those people have a serious lack of self-control.  Drama is always a result of emotions taking over, and control flying out the window.

Now, I'm not saying that self expression is a bad thing.   Don't think that is the point of this message.  If you get done reading this with the idea that I am saying that you shouldn't ever express yourself, than re-read what I've written, and change the lenses with which you read.  Self expression is not intrinsically evil.

However, self control is intrinsically holy.  Self control is a virtue.  Self expression is not.  Well, at least not in the eyes of the Church.  However, the culture has a different idea all together.

Now, I know what you're thinking.  Here's this girl who is writing a blog (which is, of course, all about self expression, and nothing new), and talking about why self expression needs to be under control. I know that it sounds totally hypocritical.  You can call me a hypocrite if you want, but try to use self-control!  The point that I'm trying to make is that self-expression and self-control can and should work together

It sure is easy these days, though, isn't it?  To not use self-control   We are actively being taught that we have a "need" to express ourselves.  And, I suppose that a person who never expressed themselves would not really be a person at all.  They'd be, like, a log.  A log cannot express itself. 

But the fact of the matter is that self control is more important.  It is better.  Scripture is full of passages about the importance and need for self control.  Here are a few examples:

Proverbs 25:28 - "Like an open city with no defenses is the man with no check on his feelings."

Galatians 5:22-23 - "In contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law."

 2 Peter 1:5-7 - "For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, virtue with knowledge, knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with devotion, devotion with mutual affection, mutual affection with love."

2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice but rather of power and love and self-control."

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 - "Do you not know that the runners in the stadium all run in the race, but only one wins the prize?  Run so as to win.  Every athlete exercises discipline in every way.  They do it to win a perishable crown, but we an imperishable one.  Thus I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight as if I were shadowboxing.  No, I drive my body and train it, for fear that, after having preached to others, I myself should be disqualified."

Get the point?  There are so many verses in scripture that promote self control, and none that promote self expression.  Zero.  

Now, like I said before, self expression is not evil.  But it must be done with an element of self control.  Those two things don't oppose each other in theory.  Not necessarily.  But they frequently do in practice.  

Like Luke Skywalker in "The Empire Strikes Back," if you don't believe you can control yourself, your feelings and your actions, you can't.  But God will give you the strength to get through.  We, like Adam and Eve, are constantly fighting the temptation to lose control, but if only we call out to God and ask for the strength to overcome, can we.  

We are right smack in the middle of Lent, a time to refine our self-control skills.  How are your lenten commitments going?  Do you need more self-control?  If so, what are you doing to get it?  Let me give you a hint:  prayer is an excellent way to gain self control!  For, as we are reminded in the Letter to the Philippians:  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.


Here are some questions to reflect on:

1.         How do you react to situations that make you emotional? 

2.       What does “virtue” mean?

3.       Talk about a time when you regretted your choice.  What do you wish you would have done?

4.      Talk about ways that you see that God is calling you to practice self control in your life right now.

5.       When you are in a moment when you are experiencing a lot of emotion, what can you do to control it?  (point out to them at some point that they MUST believe that they can control it first)