Dating the Catholic Way - Part 2 (Friendzoned)

 The dreaded "Friendzone."  Contrary to popular belief, this is not just a  problem that guys deal with because of girls.  Girls struggle with being friendzoned, too.  We just call it something different.  We call it being led on, but really, it's the same thing.

I know a lot about the friendzone.  A lot.  And it isn't pretty.  There's another name for this, one that sounds a little less harsh.  It's called "Unrequited Love."  It's ugly.

I have "fallen in love" with so many people who haven't loved me back.  And while I would say that it is much worse to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back, it is also extremely painful and difficult to have someone in love with you who you know cares for you, but who you don't feel as strongly about.  I'm not saying they are equal, because I don't believe that they are, but they are both extremely difficult.

Unfortunately, what I know about the friendzone isn't extremely helpful.  You probably don't want to read about my two years in college that I spent pining over a guy who everyone thought WAS my boyfriend, and then turned out that he was REALLY not interested in me at all.  You probably don't want to read about the guy who I spent an entire summer pining after, spending time with him, hanging out with him, only to find out at the end of that summer that he had a girlfriend, who soon after became his fiance and is now his wife.  You probably don't want to read about all of the times when I have read too much into a situation only to find out that I was completely and utterly wrong about what I thought was true.  About how I heard, saw and thought what I wanted to, even though those signs really weren't there.  

So, even though my stories aren't super great or fun, I do have, for those who love but aren't loved back, a little bit of advice for you:

1.  Be honest.  Seriously, you can guess and wonder and predict and assume and think you know what a person is thinking, but unless you ask them directly, you can never really be sure.  

You might want to practice what you'll say before hand, so you don't sound like Sandra Bullock in the movie While You Were Sleeping

2.  Know that he/she is not the only one for you.  Yes, I know...this person is great.  And there are so many qualities that make them perfect.  But, I promise you, if they don't think that you are great, too, then they aren't worth it.  Whoever you are with should think that you're great.  Don't you think you deserve that?

Whoever God has in mind for you is going to think the world of you.  And if this person doesn't, then think how great the one who God does have in mind for you is.  That person is AMAZING!  Guaranteed!

3.  Don't watch movies or TV, don't listen to music that makes it worse.  Guess what?!  The media lies!  And you know why it lies?  Because the reality is too long, complicated, and not entertaining to watch.  If I wanted to watch the truth, I'd have to spend days, weeks, months and years getting to see all of the details of a relationship:  from the big moments like we see in the media (fights, romantic gestures, hilarious moments, sad moments, etc), to the mundane, boring, simple moments, like driving in a car, to watching TV together, to getting ready to go out.  Those things are entertaining when the happen on TV because they are done in short cuts with fun music in the background.  Let's break this down for a second or two:  a scene where a person is getting ready for a date in a movie might take two minutes.  You will see 10 seconds of them shaving, ten seconds of them putting on mascara, eyeshadow, lipstick, 10 seconds of them curling their hair, 10 seconds of them picking out an outfit, and 10 seconds of them putting on their shoes.  They take one final look in the mirror, and BOOM, they are ready to go.  An hour's worth of work was condensed into 1 minute.  Because it's boring to watch them do all of those things!  Nobody would watch that.  And nobody would watch all of the things that go into dating, either.  There's nothing wrong with the media lying, as long as it admits that it's lying.  We want to be entertained, not shown reality. 

4.  Constantly remind yourself that you aren't going to die alone.  Ok, I know, it really seems that way sometimes.  And yes, sometimes it feels good to be dramatic and to just let yourself believe for a moment that this is true.  But chances are that you aren't going to actually die alone.  So let yourself believe it for a minute or two, but remind yourself soon to snap out of it.  Life is too short to be lived feeling sorry for yourself.

5.  Don't give up on yourself.  Don't start overeating, drinking, partying, sleeping too much or too little.  Take care of yourself.  You are worth it.

6.  Pray for your spouse.  Note:  you don't know who your spouse is yet. Yes, I suppose that this person could have a change of heart, realize how awesome you are, and marry you.  That might happen.  But you need to admit for a moment that there is a slight possibility that they won't, and that your future spouse is someone completely different (and awesome).  Pray in this ambiguous way: for your spouse, not for "insert name of person friendzoning you here."  God knows who to direct those prayers to.

7.  Pray for the one leading you on.  Ok, so you should pray for your spouse, but don't forget to pray for the person who is leading you on, also.  And don't pray this prayer:  "Please make them fall in love with me."  Also don't pray this prayer:  "Please make them die alone if they don't marry me."  Revenge is ugly and unholy.  Pray for their well-being, for their happiness, for their holiness.  But God can't change their mind any more than you can.  

8.  Keep in mind that this person isn’t perfect.  They have flaws, too.  It’s crazy, but it’s true.  No, they aren’t perfect, and they don’t even round up, to perfection.  You know that they have the capability to hurt your feelings because they are doing it right now.  That is not perfection.

 9.  End this toxic friendship.  Don't do it in a brutal way, but sometimes, you simply can't be just friends.  If that's the case, and that other person really doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then you need to stand up for  yourself and actually end the friendship.  

10.  Keep praying.  Rely on God!  He loves you more than you know.