Dating the Catholic Way, Part 1 (Another Dating Blog?!)

Here we go...another blog about dating.  How original.

That's just it.  You don't need to read another blog about dating.  The internet is full of everything that you need to know about how to date, how not to date, how to not-date (in case you're more interested in "courting" or in case you are discerning a religious order, or in case you consider yourself to be too young, too broken, too old, too whatever to date).  If you're serious about your faith, and you're seeking holiness, and you're on social media, chances are good that you're going to read a blog or two about dating.  You will certainly come across these blogs.  There is no shortage of dating advice out there for us Catholics.

The problem is that some of that advice contradicts others.  And it's frustrating.  How can I know how to date if some blogs say one thing and others say other things? 

For instance, I have read blogs that say that I should not be afraid to date several people.  That one or two dates with someone I currently feel luke-warm about is not going to be that big of a deal.  Others say that you should only date those who you feel like you could marry.  Right now.  From the beginning.  Some say that you should be a certain age to date.  There is a lot of good advice out there.  These blogs all use good logic.  And yet, those same blogs contradict the good logic used by other bloggers.  How can that be?

It's quite simple actually:  there is no magic formula for how to date perfectly.  Dating is extremely personal.  And you know?  That's exactly the reason why it's so difficult.

People love to give me advice about how I should date.  My dating style is really frustrating to a lot of people.  They think that I am stubborn.  Picky.  Too shy.  Not brave.  I often get told that I need to branch out more.  That I need to "make myself available," that I should "practice" dating on people, that going on a date with someone doesn't mean that I will marry them.  And I agree with that last one.  But most of the time, when people tell me how I should date, their advice is describing someone who just isn't who I am.  It doesn't work for me.  But I realize that it does work for some.  A lot of people have successfully approached dating in this way, and it has worked for them. 


The problem is that people hear me talk about how lonely and sad I get because of my lack of dating, and they think that it means that I am not doing the dating-thing correctly.  But just because I'm sad and lonely doesn't mean that I'm wrong.  Can I say that again?  Just because I'm sad, and just because I'm alone, doesn't mean that I am wrong.  It is not wrong of me to be sad that I'm alone.  Romantic relationships are important, good and holy if done properly.  Having that missing from  your life is stressful.  It's ok to be sad that it is missing from your life.  It's not ok to let that sadness define you.  It's not ok to ruin other people's happiness when they find it simply because you don't have it. 

This is an actual conversation that I had with a "friend" a couple of years ago.  She just couldn't be happy for me.

 

It's not ok to let that sadness control your actions.  But to feel that sadness from time-to-time is normal.  Talk about other things besides how alone you are, what a "loser" you think you are, and all that stuff to give your friends a break, but your friends should support you in your singleness.  They've all been there, too. 

And, to be honest, if I was dating a ton of people, or people who I am not really excited about dating, I wouldn't be any less sad, or any less alone.  I know myself.  I've been on dates with people I met online, who, it turned out, weren't awesome people.  After I left my short but incredibly uncomfortable dates with these guys, I felt terrible.  I felt hopeless.  I felt like all guys were losers simply because that guy acted like a loser.  Honestly, it wasn't worth it to me.

I am not a dating expert.  I don't really date.  I am not here to tell you how you should date.  I am writing to help you to think about what you want and need in order to date and to remain holy, always keeping in mind that there is no solution.  There is no such thing as the perfect way to date.  I'm here to write about dating because, well, I'm so tired of everyone telling me how to date that I just can't sit back and do nothing.  This is another dating blog series. I hope that it helps at least a tiny amount.