Dating the Catholic Way - Part 2 (Friendzoned)

 The dreaded "Friendzone."  Contrary to popular belief, this is not just a  problem that guys deal with because of girls.  Girls struggle with being friendzoned, too.  We just call it something different.  We call it being led on, but really, it's the same thing.

I know a lot about the friendzone.  A lot.  And it isn't pretty.  There's another name for this, one that sounds a little less harsh.  It's called "Unrequited Love."  It's ugly.

I have "fallen in love" with so many people who haven't loved me back.  And while I would say that it is much worse to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back, it is also extremely painful and difficult to have someone in love with you who you know cares for you, but who you don't feel as strongly about.  I'm not saying they are equal, because I don't believe that they are, but they are both extremely difficult.

Unfortunately, what I know about the friendzone isn't extremely helpful.  You probably don't want to read about my two years in college that I spent pining over a guy who everyone thought WAS my boyfriend, and then turned out that he was REALLY not interested in me at all.  You probably don't want to read about the guy who I spent an entire summer pining after, spending time with him, hanging out with him, only to find out at the end of that summer that he had a girlfriend, who soon after became his fiance and is now his wife.  You probably don't want to read about all of the times when I have read too much into a situation only to find out that I was completely and utterly wrong about what I thought was true.  About how I heard, saw and thought what I wanted to, even though those signs really weren't there.  

So, even though my stories aren't super great or fun, I do have, for those who love but aren't loved back, a little bit of advice for you:

1.  Be honest.  Seriously, you can guess and wonder and predict and assume and think you know what a person is thinking, but unless you ask them directly, you can never really be sure.  

You might want to practice what you'll say before hand, so you don't sound like Sandra Bullock in the movie While You Were Sleeping

2.  Know that he/she is not the only one for you.  Yes, I know...this person is great.  And there are so many qualities that make them perfect.  But, I promise you, if they don't think that you are great, too, then they aren't worth it.  Whoever you are with should think that you're great.  Don't you think you deserve that?

Whoever God has in mind for you is going to think the world of you.  And if this person doesn't, then think how great the one who God does have in mind for you is.  That person is AMAZING!  Guaranteed!

3.  Don't watch movies or TV, don't listen to music that makes it worse.  Guess what?!  The media lies!  And you know why it lies?  Because the reality is too long, complicated, and not entertaining to watch.  If I wanted to watch the truth, I'd have to spend days, weeks, months and years getting to see all of the details of a relationship:  from the big moments like we see in the media (fights, romantic gestures, hilarious moments, sad moments, etc), to the mundane, boring, simple moments, like driving in a car, to watching TV together, to getting ready to go out.  Those things are entertaining when the happen on TV because they are done in short cuts with fun music in the background.  Let's break this down for a second or two:  a scene where a person is getting ready for a date in a movie might take two minutes.  You will see 10 seconds of them shaving, ten seconds of them putting on mascara, eyeshadow, lipstick, 10 seconds of them curling their hair, 10 seconds of them picking out an outfit, and 10 seconds of them putting on their shoes.  They take one final look in the mirror, and BOOM, they are ready to go.  An hour's worth of work was condensed into 1 minute.  Because it's boring to watch them do all of those things!  Nobody would watch that.  And nobody would watch all of the things that go into dating, either.  There's nothing wrong with the media lying, as long as it admits that it's lying.  We want to be entertained, not shown reality. 

4.  Constantly remind yourself that you aren't going to die alone.  Ok, I know, it really seems that way sometimes.  And yes, sometimes it feels good to be dramatic and to just let yourself believe for a moment that this is true.  But chances are that you aren't going to actually die alone.  So let yourself believe it for a minute or two, but remind yourself soon to snap out of it.  Life is too short to be lived feeling sorry for yourself.

5.  Don't give up on yourself.  Don't start overeating, drinking, partying, sleeping too much or too little.  Take care of yourself.  You are worth it.

6.  Pray for your spouse.  Note:  you don't know who your spouse is yet. Yes, I suppose that this person could have a change of heart, realize how awesome you are, and marry you.  That might happen.  But you need to admit for a moment that there is a slight possibility that they won't, and that your future spouse is someone completely different (and awesome).  Pray in this ambiguous way: for your spouse, not for "insert name of person friendzoning you here."  God knows who to direct those prayers to.

7.  Pray for the one leading you on.  Ok, so you should pray for your spouse, but don't forget to pray for the person who is leading you on, also.  And don't pray this prayer:  "Please make them fall in love with me."  Also don't pray this prayer:  "Please make them die alone if they don't marry me."  Revenge is ugly and unholy.  Pray for their well-being, for their happiness, for their holiness.  But God can't change their mind any more than you can.  

8.  Keep in mind that this person isn’t perfect.  They have flaws, too.  It’s crazy, but it’s true.  No, they aren’t perfect, and they don’t even round up, to perfection.  You know that they have the capability to hurt your feelings because they are doing it right now.  That is not perfection.

 9.  End this toxic friendship.  Don't do it in a brutal way, but sometimes, you simply can't be just friends.  If that's the case, and that other person really doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then you need to stand up for  yourself and actually end the friendship.  

10.  Keep praying.  Rely on God!  He loves you more than you know.

Dating the Catholic Way, Part 1 (Another Dating Blog?!)

Here we go...another blog about dating.  How original.

That's just it.  You don't need to read another blog about dating.  The internet is full of everything that you need to know about how to date, how not to date, how to not-date (in case you're more interested in "courting" or in case you are discerning a religious order, or in case you consider yourself to be too young, too broken, too old, too whatever to date).  If you're serious about your faith, and you're seeking holiness, and you're on social media, chances are good that you're going to read a blog or two about dating.  You will certainly come across these blogs.  There is no shortage of dating advice out there for us Catholics.

The problem is that some of that advice contradicts others.  And it's frustrating.  How can I know how to date if some blogs say one thing and others say other things? 

For instance, I have read blogs that say that I should not be afraid to date several people.  That one or two dates with someone I currently feel luke-warm about is not going to be that big of a deal.  Others say that you should only date those who you feel like you could marry.  Right now.  From the beginning.  Some say that you should be a certain age to date.  There is a lot of good advice out there.  These blogs all use good logic.  And yet, those same blogs contradict the good logic used by other bloggers.  How can that be?

It's quite simple actually:  there is no magic formula for how to date perfectly.  Dating is extremely personal.  And you know?  That's exactly the reason why it's so difficult.

People love to give me advice about how I should date.  My dating style is really frustrating to a lot of people.  They think that I am stubborn.  Picky.  Too shy.  Not brave.  I often get told that I need to branch out more.  That I need to "make myself available," that I should "practice" dating on people, that going on a date with someone doesn't mean that I will marry them.  And I agree with that last one.  But most of the time, when people tell me how I should date, their advice is describing someone who just isn't who I am.  It doesn't work for me.  But I realize that it does work for some.  A lot of people have successfully approached dating in this way, and it has worked for them. 


The problem is that people hear me talk about how lonely and sad I get because of my lack of dating, and they think that it means that I am not doing the dating-thing correctly.  But just because I'm sad and lonely doesn't mean that I'm wrong.  Can I say that again?  Just because I'm sad, and just because I'm alone, doesn't mean that I am wrong.  It is not wrong of me to be sad that I'm alone.  Romantic relationships are important, good and holy if done properly.  Having that missing from  your life is stressful.  It's ok to be sad that it is missing from your life.  It's not ok to let that sadness define you.  It's not ok to ruin other people's happiness when they find it simply because you don't have it. 

This is an actual conversation that I had with a "friend" a couple of years ago.  She just couldn't be happy for me.

 

It's not ok to let that sadness control your actions.  But to feel that sadness from time-to-time is normal.  Talk about other things besides how alone you are, what a "loser" you think you are, and all that stuff to give your friends a break, but your friends should support you in your singleness.  They've all been there, too. 

And, to be honest, if I was dating a ton of people, or people who I am not really excited about dating, I wouldn't be any less sad, or any less alone.  I know myself.  I've been on dates with people I met online, who, it turned out, weren't awesome people.  After I left my short but incredibly uncomfortable dates with these guys, I felt terrible.  I felt hopeless.  I felt like all guys were losers simply because that guy acted like a loser.  Honestly, it wasn't worth it to me.

I am not a dating expert.  I don't really date.  I am not here to tell you how you should date.  I am writing to help you to think about what you want and need in order to date and to remain holy, always keeping in mind that there is no solution.  There is no such thing as the perfect way to date.  I'm here to write about dating because, well, I'm so tired of everyone telling me how to date that I just can't sit back and do nothing.  This is another dating blog series. I hope that it helps at least a tiny amount. 

Injured

Since October, I have been in training to run a marathon.  26.2 miles.  The marathon that I am running will take place in May, so I still have a long time to train.  129 days to be exact.  And that's a really good thing, because this week, I got injured.

 

It's kind of funny, actually.  On Sunday, we had a meeting with our volunteers for our high school program.  Because it's the first week of the new year, we did an activity to reflect on the past year, and also to make plans for the year ahead. 

 

I had two personal goals that went together: 

1. to run a marathon
2. to not get hurt.

A couple of hours after we shared our goals, we went to Mass.  At Mass, we were kneeling, and when we stood up from kneeling, pain shot through my leg.  It was burning.  It hurt so badly that I could barely stand.  I pulled a muscle two hours after I said that it was my goal to not get hurt.  TWO HOURS!!  DURING MASS!  You can imagine my frustration.

The next day I was supposed to run again.  It was an easy day:  four miles (yes, that's an easy day in marathon training).  I was excited because, well, I'm training in the winter and, well, that's cold.  Most of my running takes place in the morning when it's 19 degrees, five degrees, one degree.  I've not actually run if it's been negative temperatures, but I have run in sub-freezing weather so many times now.  And when you're out there for two hours or so, it's miserable.  It makes my skin turn bright red, like I've been sunburned.  It doesn't feel too cold while I'm actually running, but it sure does get cold when I stop!  And sometimes it takes me a long time to really warm back up after I get home.

Well yesterday was such a beautiful day.  The weather was warm.  The sun was out.  And I really wanted to run.  But I couldn't.  It wouldn't have helped me prepare for my marathon.  It would have, actually, made it much worse.  It really was a sad day.

God gives us lessons all the time, in amazing different kinds of ways.  I know that He didn't hurt me (even though it was during MASS that I actually got hurt), but He still uses the bad situations in our lives to teach us a thing or two:  patience in healing is something that doesn't come naturally.  We definitely have to be taught how to do it.

It's really interesting that this happened when it did.  I had been getting discouraged with my running program recently.  And then, all of a sudden, I got really excited about it again.  I had just completed a "perfect week" of training.  I did everything that was on my schedule even though I really didn't feel like it.  I was so proud of myself, and I was so excited to start the next week.

Being discouraged from time-to-time is natural, I think, in any training program.  As disappointing as it was that this injury happened when I was really excited instead of when I needed a break, it's probably a really good thing that it happened this way.  I might have given up all together if this happened when I was discouraged.  I might have just hung up the towel and said, "Oh well, I tried."  But I can't wait to get back out there!  I am going to feel unstoppable when I do!

I have also learned a thing or two about what my body needs.  Clearly I did something wrong.  Either I didn't stretch enough, I didn't warm up enough, I didn't cool down enough, or some combination of those things.  Maybe I pushed myself harder than I should have (I did push myself really hard).  The point is, my body is telling me something, and it's important that I listen.

I got an injury, and that's sad.  Taking time to heal is annoying, but with any luck, it will make me stronger, more enthusiastic and determined than I was before.  If that's true, then I'm glad that it happened!  It's not going to stop me, just delay and rejuvenate me!  Bring it on!