My Struggle with Envy: It's Not About You

I never really considered that I had a problem with envy. I always thought that I had problems with anger, depression, low self-esteem, and things like that, but I never really used the word envy to explain why I experienced and struggled with those other things. But I have recently come to understand that what I really struggle with is, in fact, envy.

In fact, I can probably see how envy contributed to every conflict I've had with friends, family, and co-workers. It might not always be the main problem, but it is probably always there. Even with those who I told myself I pitied, or whose life I would never want. If I looked hard enough, I'm sure it's there.

In my past, I would get angry when I'd see friends post things on Facebook about their marriages and parenthood. When my friends who are moms would talk about nothing else besides being a mom, I would list off (in my head) all of the reasons why it it was "wrong" of them to do so. Honestly, it felt like they were rubbing salt in my wounds.




It was last summer when I realized that my problem was really jealousy. More specifically, it was envy.

See, at that time, I had good news. I was really excited about it. I told a "friend" my good news, and she actually got mad at me. To my face. And she made me feel bad that this good thing was happening to me and not her. Her attitude totally sucked the joy out of the situation, that really had nothing to do with her. It's not like we were competing over a job and I won it. It had nothing to do with her at all. And she made me feel like dirt.



The thing is, envy doesn't feel good whether you are on the "giving" end OR the receiving end. I hated that she was envious. I wanted her to be happy for me. But what I got was anger, frustration, and blame.

I think a lot about that quote from the movie Seven Years in Tibet. I think I've even written about it before. It says:

"A friend's good fortune is a blessing, Heinrich. I'm sorry you resent ours. You must be very lonely and sad."



A friend's joy is a blessing for me, too. After all, I would give a lot to make my friends happy. But, like that quote says, it is a lonely and sad person who lets envy live and thrive in their lives. Envy pushes people away. Envy doesn't celebrate; envy mourns.

So, I am sorry to everyone who I have hurt with my envy. I am sorry if I have ever taken a piece of your joy by being sad for myself. I realize that you being happy that your kid did something amazing is in no way about me. You should be proud of your child. Your engagement has nothing to do with me, either. Be happy, and let me be happy, too!

If I'm being totally honest, then yes, I will probably be sad for myself if I see you have something that I also want, but that doesn't mean that I should take away your joy. That doesn't mean that I should make you feel like you've done something bad or wrong for having a good thing. You deserve goodness, and I hope that I can have the strength and selflessness to increase your joy as much as possible.




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Yes, I Want a Wedding and a Marriage, Can't I Have Both?

I will admit it: I want a wedding. I have a Pinterest board dedicated to wedding stuff. I dream about my wedding, my proposal, and my husband. And yes, I am single. As single as they get.

But I don't just dream about my wedding. I dream about my marriage. I dream about my children. And I know that tired line about how marriage and parenthood are difficult and blah blah blah, but that's what my heart wants. And to me, the challenge would be out weighed with love.




Being single is really quite difficult. And lonely. And sad. And not what we are made for from the beginning. Which is why, if some man loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me, and if I love him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him, to enter into the holy covenant that God created for us originally, to obtain the grace to live out our Vocations as holy husband and wife, and if we are going to plan on having a children together (which is the highest blessing God could give), then you betcha, we are going to CELEBRATE that with the wedding of our dreams! And I will not apologize for that even a little bit!




Someday, if I do get the miracle of finding someone to marry me, I am going to have a beautiful wedding, and I don't want anyone to tell me that it's just because I want a wedding and not a marriage. This is a thing that satan tells us in order to cheapen marriage. Jesus attended a wedding, an elaborate one at that. And He wouldn't have done it if it was wrong. A marriage is something to be celebrated, and a wonderful wedding ceremony and party afterwords don't cheapen it at all. Maybe becoming Bridezilla cheapens it, but taking pictures/video at my engagement/wedding, to commemorate such a blessed day, buying a lovely dress, flowers, cake, food and music doesn't make my marriage any less meaningful. I want a marriage, and I want to celebrate it! It is a thing worth celebrating!




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