Women's Wednesdays - Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

My whole life, all I've really wanted was one thing: to be good. And no matter how hard I try to be good, and no matter how much success I have at being good, I am haunted by the notion that I am just never ever going to be good enough.

I suppose that I am not alone in feeling this way. I think that women especially feel this kind of pressure. We are never satisfied with where we are. We want to be thinner, fitter, smarter, funnier, happier, successfuller, and always getting better and better. That's how magazines work. Look at the cover of magazines sometime and see how they promote one main thing: how to be better. A better mom. A better cook. A better fashionista. A better dieter. A better kisser. A better girlfriend/wife. A better friend. Have better hair. Have better skin. Have better fun. Have a better house. Have a better car. Have a better life. It's shoved in our faces all the time: be better.

That's not the most horrible thing in the world, striving to be better.  Some people really hate being challenged to be made better.  Look at these quotes for instance:

 

But those quotes aren't biblically correct.  In fact, they are blatantly incorrect.  Jesus Himself has a thing or two to say about this topic.  He says:  

At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them.  The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group  and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”  They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.  When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.  Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
 “No one, sir,” she said.
“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” - John 8:2-11

See what Jesus did there?  He challenged her to be better. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with trying to better oneself.  

No.  I'm not good enough.  Honestly.  I don't deserve the love that Jesus gives.  I don't deserve the love that anyone gives, actually.  That's kind of what's crazy about love:  it is undeserved.  If it was deserved, would it even be love?  

Jesus is an interesting fella, isn't He?  Let's break it apart:  he loves each of us, but none of us will ever be good enough for His love.  We will never ever deserve it.  And yet, He gives it to us freely anyway.  So, even though we don't deserve it, we get it anyway.  

I think that we (women, that is) really struggle with being good enough.  We should always be trying to be better, to "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48).  But, Jesus also knows that we fall.  That we fail.  That being perfect is not acheivable for us.  That's why we get confession.  We get to confess our sins and be forgiven.  Why?  Because He loves us.  Totally, completely, and perfectly.

It's difficult to accept, but it's important to try.  Maybe I won't ever be good enough, but I will be loved, and that is something to celebrate.

This week is Holy Week.  I urge you to reflect on how amazing God's love is and how, even though you've done nothing to deserve it, you get to experience it anyway.  

Getting it Done

It's that horrible time of year when there are so many good and fun things to do, but work, homework, and housework are not fun.  And yet, these things must be done.

All work becomes more difficult to do around the springtime. But work is a blessed activity, so my challenge to you is to try, as BEST as you possibly can, to re-frame your ideas of work, and see it as good.

God worked.  Jesus worked.  The Scriptures are full of evidence of this.  The first two chapters of the entire Bible is the story of God creating creation.  Work is a blessed thing.  If we want to be like Jesus (perfectly holy), than work is required.

And yet, it is a burden.  ESPECIALLY on these beautiful spring days. But it's not supposed to be a burden.  In fact, Christ says that "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" - Matthew 11:30.  But because we live in a fallen world, it is difficult.  It isn't easy and it isn't light.

Jesus says, "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" - Matthew 11:28.  At this point in the year, when you are burnt out, excited about the beautiful weather, and experiencing a lack of motivation, remember these three words:  go to Christ.  Run to Him!  Ask for His help!

The amazing thing is that if you ask Him for help, He'll provide it.  No, don't ask Him to do your work for you.  He doesn't work like that (work...get it!).  He will, though, help you find the motivation and strength to get your work done, and done well.  All things are possible through Him who gives you strength.  He will take the burden from you if you really let Him.

Pray for the desire to work. Think about it, if you enjoyed homework, chores, work, etc., as much as you enjoyed sunbathing, playing video games, etc., how great would that be?  Ask Him to give you that desire, and sit back and see what He does!

Women's Wednesday - Captain America

The movie Captain America came out this past weekend, and I just had to see it!  Captain America is definitely my dream guy.  He's kind, honest, loyal, strong, sincere, and devastatingly handsome!  What an amazing combination! 

It's difficult to believe that guys like him actually exist in the world.  In a way, they don't.  He is, after all, a superhero!  And those are fictitious!

But the thing about Captain America is that his superpower isn't really his incredible strength  or indestructability (nobody could jump out of a plane or off buildings or bridges and live.  If they did live, they'd have only broken bones.

To me, though, Captain America's real superpower isn't his strength or indestructability.  It's his personality.  That is, after all, why they chose him to do their experiments.  They knew that he'd use how power for good.  He was just that way.  Captain America, the quintessential good guy, has the power of kindness.

If the world is lacking in good guys, I am curious to know whose fault that is, really.  No, guys aren't perfect by any means, but how do girls treat the good guys in their lives?  How do they treat the "bad boys" in their lives?  Do you see what that does?  It causes guys to strive to be bad boys because we not only allow that kind of behavior, but encourage and reward it!

I was out with some friends one time, and one of the guys did something for me to make me feel more comfortable (I get anxious sometimes).  Another guy there saw what he was doing, but didn't know why he was doing it.  The guy came up to us and started making fun of my friend, who he didn't know, to us, who he didn't know.  He was calling my friend a baby and just being really, well, mean.  Now, there was a girl with us who was particularly pretty.  And I have no doubt that this rude, obnoxious guy was only trying to impress this girl in our group, by putting down our friend who was being a gentleman.  And you know what?  It worked!  I couldn't believe it!  She totally gave him her attention, and it was a positive kind of attention!  Now, this is the kind of girl who always goes for the bad boy, and always ends up crying because she's been hurt by them. 

With an attitude like that, it's no wonder that guys don't want to step up, be gentlemen, and do what's right. 

Let's step it up, girls!  Let's celebrate the good in our lives, especially the good men!  They respond to the kind of encouragement you give them!  They'll respond to this, too!

So here's to the good guy!  The guys who never lie, the guys who do what's right even if the consequences are severe.  I hope that more women out there do what's right and take notice of the nice guys in your lives.  They are true treasures.  Superheroes.  And you don't want to let them go!

Worn Out

Modesty, the dreaded word that so many Christians (especially girls) know they should care about but don't want to think about because if you don't think about it, well then, you don't have to do it!  Right?!  Wrong!  

Modesty is annoying to people because, mainly, it isn’t exactly a clear topic.  I read about it in various places, I see quotes that people think are helpful, and I discover through those things that people don’t really have a clear idea about what modesty is.  They are close, but not exactly on point when they say, 

“It’s a man’s job to respect women, but its a woman’s job to give him something to respect,"

Or...

“Dressing immodestly is like rolling around in manure.  Yes, you’ll get attention but mostly from pigs,” 

Or...

“Showing a great amount of skin when you dress up isn’t the way to find prince charming.  Prince charming likes his gifts wrapped.”  

Maybe those quotes are helpful for certain aspects of modesty, but they aren’t what modesty is all about.  They can even be harmful because, well, the fact is that calling men "pigs" is actually an immodest action in itself. 

So, what is modesty NOT?  Modesty is not “conservative fashion.”  Modesty is NOT about being “Hot.”  Ever.  Ever ever ever ever ever!  Because being “hot” is not the same as beautiful, lovely, or pure.  Modest is NOT hottest.  Modesty is not about preventing others from sinning either.  It’s not even about your future husband.  Not really.

Modesty is a virtue, and all virtues should be upheld for the sake of the virtue itself.  It is about your own disposition, not everyone else’s.  It’s between you and God (not you and your future spouse even).

Modesty is about honor.  It’s about honoring yourself; it’s about honoring God; it’s about honoring those around you.  Let’s break these apart.

Honoring yourself:

When I was in college I knew a girl who was undoubtedly the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known.  She was smart, funny, kind, gentle, and carried herself with confidence and love.  People were drawn to her.  She lived in a sorority with girls who didn’t maintain the same values that she did, but nevertheless, she remained true to what she believed.  She didn’t really talk about her values a whole lot to those girls at first.  She just lived what she believed.  And they took notice of her and began to ask her questions.  They wanted to know why she did what she did, and why she (gently, kindly and lovingly) refused to dress or behave in immodest ways.  Her clothing choices were cute, but not revealing.  And that wasn’t the only way that she was modest.  She didn’t swear.  She didn’t drink excessively.  She didn’t gossip.  She wasn’t lazy.  She wasn’t a flirt.  She ate healthy foods and she ate in moderation.  She made sure to get enough sleep and to get enough exercise.  Let me tell you, this girl had no problems making friends, male or female.  People adored her.

Over time, the girls in her sorority were the ones who asked her questions.  They were the ones who began these conversations, and it was because they were curious about her.  She was very open with them.  She shared her thoughts, beliefs and values with courage and grace.  As I spent more time with her, I saw something happen with the men in the community...they respected her.  They enjoyed her company and they saw her as something more than just a thing to be used.  They saw her as a person.  

Like I said, she was (and still is) beautiful.  But one word that nobody ever used to describe her was hot.  

The thing about this girl was that she didn’t need the approval of anyone else.  She loved herself, and she loved modesty.  She embraced it.  She didn’t just live modestly in order to be seen as modest.  She didn’t do it in order to use reverse psychology on guys, in order to leave “MORE to their imagination.”  In fact, she’d probably be horrified if someone ever said something like that to her.  She didn’t want people thinking about her in those ways.  She was modest because she respected herself and she knew that she had more to offer the world than just what her body looked like.  She had intelligence, kindness, compassion, humor, friendship, love, goodness, beauty, faith, etc.  She loved those things about herself, and she was confident in those things.  She was attractive, not hot.  People wanted to be with her, they didn’t want her.

Why do you want to be seen as “hot?”  What does that desire tell you about yourself?  Which is better: to be hot or to be beautiful?  

Honoring God:

In order to make excuses for dressing immodestly, people will say things like, “God made this body, so I’m giving Him glory by showing it off.”  Those people aren’t truly desiring to show God’s glory with their bodies.  Any person who is showing off their body, no matter what reason they claim to be showing it off, is doing so in order to give themselves glory.  We don’t give God glory by showing off our bodies.  We give God glory by using them properly.

God made you good.  In fact, He made you VERY good.  And to reduce yourself to a bag of body parts is like saying that God didn’t do a good ENOUGH job making you.  To say that you are only a body does not give Him glory.  You are a soul.  You have a body.

God gave us bodies in order to give Him glory, which is why it’s so easy to use our bodies to 

sin.  Satan attacks those things that bring us closer to God, and so He convinces us that our bodies are our own and that we can use them how WE please.  It’s a slippery slope from using our own bodies how we please to using others.  And both are wrong.  We have to train ourselves to use our bodies to give glory to God, especially because our culture (well, actually, Satan) tries to use everything in its power to convince us otherwise.  Ultimately, our bodies are given to us in order to create more people.  In fact, one of the first commandments that God gives Adam and Eve is to “be fruitful and multiply.”  And that commandment is repeated multiple times in the Book of Genesis.  You can see why Satan would take that commandment and distort it to take away from God.  God didn’t say to be fruitful and multiply with any person at any time, but Satan would tell us otherwise.  Yes, we are called to be fruitful and multiply, but in the context of Holy Matrimony.  The sixth commandment talks about how we should not commit adultery, but Jesus says that any person who looks with lust at another has already committed adultery in their heart.  

The love of modesty protects us from further sin.  It protects us from adultery.  It protects us  from every kind of impurity.  

Honoring those around you:

Ok, so the POINT of modesty is not to make sure that those around you aren’t sinning, but that is a part of it.  Let me be clear here:  YOU CANNOT PREVENT ANOTHER PERSON FROM THINKING LUSTFUL THOUGHTS.  You can't stop that from happening.  There is only one person in the world that you can control and that person is yourself.  Period.  That’s it.  However, if you are dressing with the intention of causing people to think about you in a certain way, and they do, you are at fault of what Jesus warns of in Matthew 18:6, which says, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” Yikes!

Also, don’t believe the lie that women don’t let their thoughts become lustful in the ways they see men.  Matthew 5:28 doesn’t JUST apply to men looking at women, even though it specifically talks about men:  “But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  If you have posters of shirtless celebrities, or if you pin them on pinterest, what are you really seeing when you look at that person?  Are you seeing the person or are you seeing the body?  Check your thoughts.  Check your reactions.  A truly modest person would not allow themselves to think lustful thoughts about those men, either.  

So what now?  How SHOULD I dress?  What do I DO?  What should I NOT do?

Blessed Pope John Paul II said something that could be applied to the topic of modesty, even though he was addressing a different issue.  He said, “There is no dignity when the human dimension is eliminated from the person. In short, the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much of the person, but that it shows far too little.”  Well the same thing could be said of immodesty.  

There are not set rules for how to dress modestly.  It’s ok to look cute, to wear clothes that you think are nice, but be careful.  Ask yourself, who am I giving glory to with this outfit?  What is this saying about me?  Am I trying to look hot or beautiful?  Do I want people to see my body, or myself?  

And remember, that modesty is not just about your dress.  It’s about your character.  It’s about your behavior.  It’s about your language.  In order for you to live modestly, you have to see the dignity in others, as well.  That means not calling men names like "pigs," no matter how bad their actions may be.  That means, loving those girls who DO choose to wear immodest clothing, or behave in immodest ways, despite the fact that you know better.  You can still confront them with the love and dignity that they require as children of God.  Like my friend.  She "confronted" those girls by allowing them to come to her first. 

Do you desire modesty?  Do you desire purity?  Answer these questions honestly, and answer them in prayer.  God knows your heart, but He needs you to tell Him.  Actually, that’s not correct.  You need you to tell Him.  You need to own your answer.  If the answer is yes, that you do want modesty, good job!  What are you doing in order to be modest?  What do you still need to do?

If the answer is no (that you don’t want modesty), first of all, good job being honest.  That’s a difficult thing to do.  But do you want God?  If the answer is yes, I have some difficult news for you:  you can’t be immodest AND have God.  The two don’t work together.  But I’m curious, why don’t you want modesty?  Ask God why you don’t want it.  I think that you’ll be amazed by His answers.  Believe me, He knows the answers that you don’t know.  He knows what you’re afraid of.  You can’t conquer your fear unless you acknowledge what it is.

If you don’t want God, it’s good that you answered the question honestly, too.  However, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t believe you.  I just don’t.  Maybe you’re mistaken about who God is.  Talk to Him.  Even if you don’t want Him, give Him a chance.  You’ll find amazing things through Him.  You’ll find life, and life to the fullest.

Women's Wednesday - People Pleasing Is Wrong?

I have lived a majority of my life trying to make everyone happy.  I have never wanted to rock the boat.  I've avoided conflict like the plague.  Actually, I've never really had to avoid the plague.  It's not really a problem these days.  But you get the point.  You can't make everyone happy.

I remember one time when I had to do a presentation in front of a lot of people.  Now, public speaking doesn't really bother me too much.  If I'm prepared and really know what I'm doing, I'm usually more confident than a lot of people.  But, nevertheless, I don't always enjoy it.  There are times when I love it, but there are times when I get nervous about it.  And this was one of those times.  I had to get up and say some things in front of a group, and I just didn't really want to do it.  I didn't really believe that what I was doing was a good thing, actually, which was part of my problem.

I was expressing my concern to someone, who told me something that I was shocked to hear:  no matter what I do, how I do it, or why I do it, there are going to be 20 people who don't like me.  No matter what.  They might not like me because I'm a woman, or because I have red hair.  They might not like me because of what I'm wearing, or because of the way that I talk.  They might think that I'm wasting their time.  But no matter what, 20 people in that audience are not going to like me, and there's nothing that I can do to change that.

At first, I was offended.  Who does he think he is to tell me that some people there don't like me?  But then, as I thought more about it, it was kind of freeing.  He's right.  There is no way that I can make everyone happy.  Some people are going to dislike me no matter what I do.  No matter how hard I try.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong about wanting to be liked.  Of course you want to be liked.  It feels good.  And I don't think that there's anything intrinsically wrong about wanting to make people happy, either.  Again, of course you want to make people happy!  That, too, feels good!

But for me, it has almost been a way of life, a world view, a philosophy:  make everyone else happy at all costs.  So that meant that I have never stood up for myself.  It meant that I have never really stood up for anything that I believe in.  It meant that I became a slave to this idea.  I have lived a very passive-aggressive life because of my need to please people.  It has become controlling, and dangerous.

A part of me wishes that I could just change this about myself, or that God would just change it about me.  If God can heal any sickness, if God can free us from any form of slavery, why doesn't He just take this away from me?  I have wondered that so many times.  But what's funny about this specific weakness is that the only way to get the strength to start standing up for myself is to start standing up for myself.  God can't stand up for myself.  Yes, He could maybe protect me from having the need to stand up for myself, but if He did that, then I'd still be a slave, just to Him.  I'd never have the strength that I need in order to do it myself.  I'd be totally dependent on Him.  And in one sense, He does want us to be totally dependent on Him, but He also wants us to be able to stand up for what's right, and defending our own lives is what's right.  If my life has dignity, I need to protect that dignity, just like I'd protect anything else that has dignity (although, to be honest, I'm not very good at that, either).

I know, looking back, that most of the time that people hurt me, they aren't trying to hurt me (with a few exceptions).  Most of the time, they aren't even aware that they're hurting me!  So if I were to gently and lovingly confront the person who hurts me, simply by saying, "When you said that, it hurt my feelings," if that person is a good one, they'd apologize and know not to do that again.  People are good, but I'm not giving them the chance to show their goodness. 

Like all things, there needs to be balance.  Pray that God gives you the fortitude to stand up for the dignity of someone who desperate needs it:  you.