On the Edge: The Motivation

It's 4:14 am.  I'm riding in my car as I pass a bank that has a sign flashing the time and the temperature.  I read the time and think, "What was God thinking when He created 4:00 am?  What a cruel joke!"  Then I see the temperature.  19 degrees.  And I think, "What was God thinking when He created 19 degrees?"  I think about all of those people who are asleep in their nice warm beds.  They are right where they should be.

I am not quite awake as I arrive at the pool.  But the moment I jump in that cool water, life suddenly returns to my body.  I am awake, and freezing.  I have two choices.  Stay put and freeze, or swim and warm up.  I choose to swim.  Half way down the first length of the pool, I can already notice that I'm beginning to warm up.  By the time I reach the end, I'm feeling it more.  By the time I complete my first full lap, I'm at the appropriate temperature.  Swim practices are difficult this early in the morning.  More difficult than later practices.  My body resists in unique ways.  It wants to be asleep.  It's not used to this.  By the end of the season, though, it will be.

I am rushed when I arrive at school, smelling of chlorine that a shower simply can't erase, hair wet, or should I say, frozen.  I may be tired, but I feel great after my morning swim.  My body is relaxed and energized at the same time.  Lunch time finds me starving.  At the end of the school day, I have to go home to quickly finish my homework, so that I can eat dinner, pack my swim bag for the next morning, and go to bed early.  I know that tomorrow's early swim practice will require the same struggle that today's did.  And I can't wait!

This was the story of my high school experience.  It was one of the things I loved the absolute most about high school.  It may sound silly, but I have jealousy in my heart when I think back to those days.  Yes, that's right, I'm jealous of myself.  Because at one time, I got to experience a sport that challenged me in ways that I didn't know I could be challenged, but in ways that I loved to be challenged.  I miss swimming so much.

What is it that makes us do these crazy things?  Why do we get up at crazy hours, or stay up until crazy hours, to participate in the activities we love?  Is it because we are crazy?  Kind of, but not exactly.  It's because we are in love.

It's never been shocking that people would do crazy things out of love.  Whether it's for the love of a sport, a musical instrument, a person, a pet, or God, if you fall in love with it, you're going to go to great lengths to maintain, protect and even better it. We will wake up at crazy hours of the night to practice.  We will pay huge amounts of money.  We will move our lives.  Anything that we can do, we will.  Things we can't do, we still will.  We will at least try.

I recently went through a really dark time in my life.  And when I was going through these things, my prayer life seemed to stop all together.  I wouldn't say that I blamed God for what I was going through.  I wasn't ever mad at Him.  I was frustrated with my circumstances, and I was very depressed.  Depression often causes people to give up on the activities that they love, to find less fulfillment in them, to lose motivation to do even the stuff that they enjoy. I think that this is the reason why I stopped praying.  My situation wasn't God's fault.  I understood that, even at that time.  I just didn't have the motivation to pray.

One day during this dark time, I was thinking about a Bible verse that has always meant a lot to me, and that means a lot to a lot of people.  Jeremiah 29:11, which says, "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe!  plans to give you a future full of hope."  I don't remember exactly why I was thinking about this verse, but for all I know, it just popped into my head. My reaction to this verse surprised me at the time: "Yeah, right," I rather sarcastitcally thought.  But then something strange happened.  I recalled a strange encounter I had with a stranger in a bathroom once.

The basement of the church doesn't always get used a lot.  Especially during the day.  So, I don't really ever expect for anyone to be in the women's bathroom downstairs.  Well, one day I went in there, and sure enough, there was a lady.  I didn't know her.  She was attending the funeral that was being held at the Church that day.  I happened to be wearing one of our youth group shirts that day, that had a Bible verse from Jeremiah.  It was actually Jeremiah 1:5.  As I was washing my hands, she was standing behind me, waiting to wash her hands, and she read my shirt, and just started talking.  "Do you know that my favorite Bible verse comes from Jeremiah?"  

I was startled, and thought, "I don't even know you.  How on Earth would I know that?"  But I just smiled and became awkward and said, "No!  Which verse?"  

"Jeremiah 29:11-15" she answered.  "Do you know it?" she asked.  Well, I did know verse 11, because I have always known that verse, at least, since I've actually been Catholic.  

I quoted it to her:  "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe!  Plans to give you future full of hope."  

 "You don't know the rest?" she asked.  Silly me!  I had been standing there, congratulating myself on my ability to recite any verse at all, and there she was, disappointed that I didn't know more!  Silly pride!  

"Well, let me tell you!  It continues, 'When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you.  When you look for me, you will find me.  Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord, and I will change your lot; I will gather you together from all the nations and all the places to which I have banished you, says the Lord, and bring you back to the place from which I have exiled you.'"  She paused.  "Isn't that great?" she asked.  

"Yes, that is great," I sincerely answered. I then thanked her for sharing, and she thanked me for listening.  And our conversation was over.  I have never seen her again.

This memory came to my mind when I was experiencing that dark time in my life.  I remembered liking the rest of the verses, but I couldn't remember what they said.  So I picked up my Bible and read them.  I realized at that moment that I had been asking God for the wrong things.  I had been asking Him to heal my hurts, or to find me a husband, or friends even, or to give me more money, or just something.  But I never really asked Him for me to find Him.  Not since I was a little girl.  I had been living my life feeling sorry for myself for not being happy for whatever reason I could imagine, when all the while, the thing that would make me the most happy was right there, waiting for me to ask for help.  "When you look for me," says God, "you will find me."  All this time, I hadn't been seeking God.  I had only been seeking what He could give me.

What I found was that He had been there all along.  As soon as I prayed, asking God to be a bigger part in my life, to help me seek Him, I realized that He had been there the entire time.  He was just outside the door of my heart, and all I had to do was to let Him in.  And there was a lot of peace that followed from doing that.  It turns out, that when we say that Jesus was knocking on our door, He's not just quietly and calmly knocking.  He's pounding on that door.  Shouting, "Let me in!  Let me in!  Let me in!"  And when we finally do, He let's us have peace.  Jesus is a gentleman, in that He's not going to come in under our roof unless we invite Him in.  But, at the same time, He's not going to stay outside, quietly giving up on us, either!

Jesus isn't hiding from us.  We hide ourselves from Him.  And we think we're such good hiders! 

Jesus has always been there, coming to me, seeking me and my heart.  He has been seeking me since before I was born.  He has been seeking me in subtle ways, and in obvious ways.  And yes, I had allowed Him in early on in my own life.  But at some point, I shut Him out again.  It seems I am constantly letting Him in and shutting Him out.  I have to remember that it's important to keep opening that door.  

Once I realized all of this, it became much easier to keep opening that door.  Once I realized that He was right there, seeking me.  Waiting for me to seek Him.  Jesus makes the first move.  When I pray, I am just responding.

My spiritual life became much easier once I gave Jesus the burden.  When He says, in that verse, that he will change your lot, He means it!  Sometimes He changes the stuff in your life, but that's rare.  Most of the time, He changes your heart.  Your attitude.  See, I had been living in this awful world, where I knew that it was right to love God, and I knew that I should teach that to those around me, but somehow, deep in my heart, I didn't know if I truly loved Him.  I knew that I wanted to truly love Him.  I desired that with my whole heart.  But I didn't know if I did, actually, love Him.  Little did I know that all I had to do was to ask for help.  "Jesus, help me love You.  Jesus, help me want You."  That short prayer changed me like you wouldn't believe.  

I know that it's hard to find the motivation to pray sometimes.  But you don't have to make it too complicated.  Good prayer isn't about how hard you "try," it's about just being in the presence of God, and allowing Him to do the work.  And that's where I find my motivation.  God does most of the work when I pray!  I just have to sit back and let Him work in me.  And He does!  He replenishes my energy and gives me the strength, courage, and endurance to be better.  To do the work necessary to be a holy person.  

Give Jesus the burden.  Ask Him to come to you.  And I think that you'll see that He is already there.  We are incapable of making the first move when it comes to God.  He is always there, waiting for us to respond.  So do it.  Respond.