Frustration and Disappointment

I sat down to write this post, knowing that I would write about frustration and disappointment, things I feel a lot of times in my life.  I knew that I had a lot to say on these topics, but when I started to write, the words stopped.  I wrote and re-wrote several beginnings to this post, only to become frustrated and disappointed with the way it came out.  I wanted to give up, but then I remembered what I wanted to say:  to not give up in the face of these things.  How ironic.

It's not really that ironic, though, is it?  When I really think about it, I can see clearly how it is Satan who used these tools against me in order to prevent me from writing against the things he uses to stop us from doing good works!  

The fact of the matter is that life is frustrating and disappointing a lot of the times.  Maybe this is on my heart right now because it's the holiday season, which is supposed to be joyful and beautiful but tends, instead, to be challenging and sad.  Or maybe it's because I've been reading the book of Job, which is a book that focuses a lot on frustrations and disappointments.  I remember one time I heard a speaker say (I don't remember who, sorry!) that the thing that makes the book of Job such a frustrating book to read is the very first verse of the entire book, which says, "In the land of Uz there was a blameless and upright man named Job, who feared God and avoided evil."  If only Job was a bad guy!  How easy it would be to sit there and point fingers and say that he deserved all of the things that happened to him.  But that's not the case.  Bad things happen to good people, and that's the frustrating part of life.

I'd say that, overall, I'm a pretty "good" person, whatever that means.  I sometimes feel a lot like Job, even though I didn't lose everything that I owned.  I also wasn't blameless in the eyes of the Lord.  I guess it's a big leap to compare myself to Job.  But I have a problem, that I don't really know what a name for it is.  I guess I'd call it a "Spirit of Annoyance," although someone will probably tell me why that is theologically incorrect.  However, that's the only phrase that I can think of to describe myself.  I get annoyed really easily.  Too easily.  It's annoying how often I get annoyed.  I get annoyed at other people, but I also get annoyed at myself.

These feelings can be sinful, but they usually start in a good place.  When I am feeling these negative emotions, I can usually identify the reason why:  I crave the good.  Anything good.  If I am feeling frustrated with something in my life, it's usually because I can see that there is a good in my life that isn't being fulfilled.  When I am frustrated with my singleness, I can see that it is a result of the fact that I am called to be a wife and a mother, and that those things are good, and that my calling hasn't been fulfilled yet.  My call to those things is a good thing, and that good thing is missing in my life.  Or, when someone criticizes me, especially when I've done something good and "deserve" to be praised or rewarded, I get really disappointed.  Why?  Because recognition of my good works IS a good thing, because it's recognizing the good that God has put in me!  That's not wrong!  

Like all things in our lives, we can either use them to glorify God or to glorify something other than God (like ourselves).  Scripture says that "We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).  Notice that it does NOT say that "Everything happens for a reason."  God does not create bad things in our lives.  Ever.  Those things are a result of sin.  But God does let bad things become good things when we turn them into good things.  

Think back to the story of Joseph, way back in the Book of Genesis.  Joseph had every reason in the world to be frustrated.  His own brothers plotted to kill him.  Rather than killing him, they decided to sell him into slavery.  Joseph made the best out of that situation, only to be framed for a crime he did not do, and be put into jail.  While in jail, he made the best of the situation and helped a man who failed to acknowledge or help him for years afterwards.  Finally, the man remembered Joseph, went to Pharaoh, said what good things Joseph had done, and Joseph was finally released.  His name was finally cleared, and he finally recieved the honor that was due to him.  When Joseph's brothers ask him for help (not knowing who Joseph is), Joseph reveals himself to them and says this:  "God, therefore, sent me on ahead of you to ensure for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives in an extraordinary deliverance.  So it was not really you but God who had me come here; and he has made me a father to Pharaoh, lord of all his household, and ruler over the whole land of Egypt" (Genesis 45:7-8).  Later on, Joseph says, "Even though you meant harm to me, God meant it for good, to achieve this present end, the survival of many people.  So now, do not fear.  I will provide for you and for your children" (Genesis 50:20-21).  God has the power to take the disappointments in our lives and turn them into great things, good things!  If only we are good and trust in Him.

The biggest thing to remember about Joseph's story is that he never stopped being good.  In all of the accounts of Joseph, we never see him do anything evil, foolish, or disobedient.  He doesn't let emotions get in the way of his holiness.  And God rewards that for him.  Trust that God has a plan for you.  Ask Him what His plan is.  And surely He will show you how to give Him glory through it all.

Prayer:  Lord, I am feeling frustrated and disappointed right now, especially with _________________.  Please give me comfort.  Please show me how I can glorify you through this situation.  I know that you are good and would only give me good.  If there is anything that I can do to bring about a positive change, please open my eyes to it.  I believe that you will help me.  Thank you.

Questions for reflection:

• What are you frustrated with in your life right now?  How can you use that thing to give glory to God?
• What are you disappointed with in your life right now?  How can you use that thing to give glory to God?
• Do you see how these things are a result of the fact that there is a good missing in your life?  How can you let God replace that good?
• What scripture stories are helpful to you, to give you hope when you are feeling down?  Maybe one of the ones mentioned here:  Job, Joseph?  Maybe there are others:  Infertility stories like Sarah, Hannah or Elizabeth, or stories of sick people who have suffered for long times, or even Mary who watches her son die on the cross.  These types of stories are all over Scripture.  

World Youth Day - Day 12 (Home)

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Home.  Relief.  Joy.  Memories.  Love.  Suffering.  Endurance.  Pain.  Healing.  Disappointment.  Hope.  Faith.  Inspiration.  How could I possibly pick just one word to describe my journey?  All of these words describe it.  It is on this last leg of the journey that I finally have some time to reflect on these words and how they have described the pilgrimage of World Youth Day 2013.  

I woke up this morning on the plane coming home from Rio.  Again, it was a restless sleep on a cold plane.  There's just no easy way to sleep on a plane (unless maybe you're in first class, but I don't know anything about that).  Everyone was making fun of me because I had slept with an eye mask on, and then put it on the top of my head when they woke us up.  It slipped up in the back and made my hair look crazy.  I just left it there.  I was too tired to care about silly things like what my hair looked like, or taking off my eye mask. 

Good morning!

We were just being silly here

My "crown"

 Because of my ear infection, the landing was particularly painful for me.  All that I could think about was how my ear drums were going to burst.  I actually felt pain in my skull just behind my ear, and I felt pain in my jaw and teeth.  How horrible that pain was!  I couldn't even eat my breakfast sandwich (which I got because they ran out of the pastry) because it hurt so bad.  I was so focused on the pain in my ears, that I kind of ignored the landing.  I have changed so much over the last several days!  It's a miracle. 

We got to spend a little bit of time in the airport in Charlotte, but not much.  It was so refreshing to go buy some American snacks with American money, with a cashier who spoke English.  Although we were still miles and miles away from Denver, we finally felt like we were home.  

We boarded the plane after only a short amount of time, and I had almost no fear or nervousness as we took off.  I knew that I was physically exhausted, but I was mentally alert during the entire flight back.  I sat next to Richard and Tyler again, but they slept for a lot of the trip back, and I played games on my phone and spent some quiet time just reflecting on our trip.

I feel guilty.  I feel like I'm supposed to come back and be crazy excited and have these awesome stories to tell.  I feel like I'm supposed to do what everyone else has done to me upon their arrival home from World Youth Days in the past:  make me feel like I missed out on something.  I feel like I did something wrong.

But the truth is, it was hard.  I know that someday I will probably forget how hard it was, and that I will remember the good stuff as being much better than it was, and the bad stuff will probably be remembered as less bad.  And that's not wrong.  I did have fun.  I did grow, and I did change.  I am not the same person now that I was when I left.  You simply cannot describe the kind of exhaustion, dehydration, and stress that we were under during this pilgrimage, and thank God for that.  We were truly in survival mode for nearly all of our time spent in Rio de Janiero.  But we got through it.

The question that seems to be on everyone's mind is, would I do it again?  Knowing everything that I know now, would I do it again?  Well, that's really difficult to say.  I know that I am changed.  And I did have some good experiences along the way.  Really good, actually.  Amazing.  From Trevor protecting our group all night during the Vigil, to Zach inviting me to their family's camping trip, to ordering pizza with the group of teens, to being so near the Pope, to not quitting when things were difficult.  I think, considering all of it, that the answer is yes, I would have done it all again.  

Yes, it would have been nice to stay in Rio de Janiero instead of Niteroi so that we didn't have to travel at least an hour and a half to get home each night, or to the event each morning.  It would have been nice to not worry so much about our safety.  It would have been nice to stay in a hotel and be guaranteed the ability to shower and brush my teeth each day.  It would have been nice to sleep in a hotel.  It would have been nice to have a transistor radio.  It would have been nice to not have rain.  But this was never "nice."  This was about suffering.  I knew that when Richard suggested we go.  That's part of the reason why I was so reluctant to say yes in the first place!

Going in, I had a lot of fear.  Besides the completely irrational fears (like the plane crashing, and a tsunami), most of my fears were legitimate.  My problem was that the only things that I could relate to from past experiences were the bad things, like being extremely tired, not liking the food, or having to use port-a-potties.  I had no idea what it was like to be in another country, or to be in such close proximity to millions of people, or to attend a papal mass, or to be on pilgrimage.  Although I tried, I really couldn't even imagine what those things were like.  It turns out that World Youth Day was exactly what I thought it would be, and nothing like what I thought it would be.  Minus the crazy fears, everything that I was afraid of came true.  However, I think that I thought that only bad things would happen, and that definitely was not true.  So much good came from this experience.  I am, after all, cured of my fear of flying almost entirely. 

The flight landed and we went one last time as a group onto a train (ok, we had previously been on buses and subways, but the train inside DIA was just like a subway on the interior) to arrive and be greeted by our families.  It was a joyful reunion on both sides.  We were happy to be home and our families were happy to have us back safely!  Mom had a Diet Coke with her for me to have!  Several teens greeted us, too!

Mom took me to eat Wendy's, which I had been craving all week!  The french fries were fresh, hot, greasy and so so so so so tastey!  The frosty was fabulous!  The spicy chicken sandwich disappeared almost immediately!  Thank God for American food!!!!!

My dog was kind of mad at me, so I didn't get the greeting from him that I expected.  He didn't want me to know that he wanted to cuddle with me.  But I cuddled with him anyway!  I know he liked it.

I got home, did my laundry, chatted with my mom for a while, unpacked and went to bed early.  It was hard to get myself to unpack the same day that I came back, exhausted as I was.  But I knew that I'd be happy that I did!

Bed time!  I can't stay up a minute longer!

 It's good to be home.  Now all of this is just a memory.  All of the work is done.  Heaven is now here.  I am grateful for the pilgrimage, because now I can look forward to Heaven.

My dog is very relieved to be home in his (my) bed.

Things that I once took for granted that I am not grateful for:
Hot shower
Clean drinking water
Sleeping in
Clean laundry
My dog
My bed
Toilets that flush and aren't extremely close to the ground
Diet Coke
America
American napkins 


I hope you enjoyed reading about my experiences with World Youth Day.  I know that we were covered in prayer while we were away.  It's amazing how much love the people back home gave us.  I hope to hear other people's World Youth Day stories soon, too!

Obrigada! 

World Youth Day - Day 11 (Beach, Ipanema, Bus to Airport)

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

We woke up at 6:15 this morning in order to eat breakfast right when the doors for breakfast opened.   The teens were determined to swim at the beach one day.  They got done eating and headed for the beach only to discover that the beach is really cold at 7:00 am.  Go figure!  None of them wanted to get in the water right away.

They made designs in the sand and finally got to swim.  I didn't want to swim because it was cold and I was tired and I didn't want to pack a wet swim suit, so I didn't swim.  I think that was a good choice.

They are so funny.  They found a dead fish and snuck up on me and scared me with it.  I was so out of it that I didn't really react at first.  I thought that it was a squirt toy!  They actually played with that dead fish for a while, too.  Gross.


It was a fun time at the beach.  

We got to go back to the hotel and shower.  I was really looking forward to a nice hot shower, but the hotel's water heater broke.  Of course.  So I had another cold shower.  But at least there was some more privacy now.  We went shopping one last time, because everybody had money to spend.  We went to one little store, and then we past the church that had the pilgrimage cross and the icon of Mary in it. There was only a small group with us at that time, but those of us who were there got to go in and get up close with the cross.  We entered the church while mass was being said, so we had to wait until the end of mass, but at the end, the priest gave us a special blessing!  The people were really excited that we were there!  It was a really special moment for sure!

The Icon of Mary

This was inside the church that had the pilgrimage cross

This was the name of the church:  Nossa Senhora da Paz

 We went back to the hotel to finish packing and check out, and as Christa and I were leaving our room, I realized that I didn't have my cell phone.  After all that time of carefully keeping it with me, I was so afraid that I'd lose it here.  Now.  In the safest place that it's been this entire journey!  But, it turned out, that my suitcase was on top of it.  So that was stupid!  I was so tired at this point.  Anything could happen!

Our entire group got to go to lunch in Ipanema, while we left our bags in the hotel to wait for the bus.  I actually ate Subway for lunch, which was quite delicious!  I also had a milk shake from McDonalds.  Yep, that's right.  Good ole' American food in Brazil!  Yum!

We went back to the church with the pilgrimage cross, so the whole group could see it.  I was amazed by a little old lady in a wheel chair who came up to me, took my hand, and tried telling me something in Portuguese.  I don't know what she said, but whatever it was, it was good!  For some reason she really loved me.  I can't tell you why!  It was a really special moment for me! 

Father Chris, goofing off outside the church with the pilgrimage cross

I just thought this tree was cool looking

The whole tree is root

I'm so tired!

We went back to the hotel.  Even though we had to check out of our rooms, they gave us permission to use the pool room upstairs, on the 17th floor.  I loved this room.  It had all sorts of windows, it looked out on Ipanema Beach, and it was just perfect.  I could have stayed up there for a long time. 

The view from the 17th floor

The view of the beach from the 17th floor

We settled in to have one last mass in Brazil, in this amazing room with this amazing view.  To be honest, I have no idea what Father Chris' homily was about, what the readings were about, or anything like that.  And it's not because they weren't interesting or good, it's just because it was so overwhelming.  Our journey was about to end.  We were in this beautiful room, with this beautiful view, with these people with whom we had come so far and suffered so much, and it was about to end.  It felt good and bad, all at the same time.  It was impossible to take it all in. 

Nate doing the readings for Mass

At the end of Mass, Father Chris acknowledged Trevor for his amazing work, protecting us during the Vigil.  It was a really beautiful moment for everyone, I think, not just Trevor.

The group presented Richard and me with a flag that they all signed, and a note, thanking us for making this trip possible.  It's hanging in the Youth Room now.  It was really sweet of everyone to do this for us! 

Our bus came to get us from the hotel, and again, I thought I lost my cell phone on the 17th floor.  It turned out that someone took it for me, but they didn't tell me right away.  

The bus seemed like it was lost.  And it hit a car.  I thought we would never get to the airport.  We had to pick up two other groups, too.  I was starting to get really worried, because I needed to get home!

We had a lot of fun on that bus ride, though.  Even though we were worried that it was taking so long (and the rumors were that after WYD, you stay in line at the airport for six hours!), we found ways to entertain ourselves.  It's amazing what a can of bug spray and a flip flop sandal can do.  We discovered one way that this trip changed us:  it made us more simple.  We were so entertained just by watching a can of bug spray roll down the aisle and over the flip flop, which maybe wouldn't have been as entertaining before.  But, who am I kidding?  It was fun! 

They were trying to get me to make my mad face, but I couldn't do it on cue!

Still trying to get my mad face

Still no mad face

Still no mad face

Still no mad face

Sand castles in the sand (Good ole' How I Met Your Mother Reference!)

Giving up on making mad face

Arriving at the airport after something like three hours on the bus was a huge relief.  The lines were not bad at all. We made it through and got to the gate rather quickly.  As we were making our way through security, I said a phrase that I thought I'd never say.  And I said it with great sincerity and enthusiasm:  "I am going to be so relieved to get on that plane!"  I said it without thinking.  It seems that World Youth Day cured me of my fear of flying!  

We bought some food at the airport (Pringles, which cost $13 American dollars!  Yikes).  I used the very last of my money buying some snack food.  Literally, I had no bills to bring home.  Oh well.  I needed that food!

We got on the plane to head home.  I ate my ravioli as quickly as possible, and fell asleep with my plate on my food tray.  When I woke up, it was gone.  I must have fallen asleep so fast and so hard that I didn't even notice when they took it.  

I still didn't sleep well on the plane, but who can?  I was excited to be heading home!

World Youth Day - Day 10 (Hotels!)

Monday, July 29, 2013

Waking up on this day was not exactly easy.  Andrea and Kim had gone to bed so early the night before, that I was unable to warn them not to wake up at be ready to go at 8:00 am, like we had originally believed would be necessary.  It turned out that we didn't have to leave until 3:00 pm.  So I got up to tell them that they could sleep longer.  

Hardly anybody was up yet, so I just went back to bed.  It was nice to sleep more, but my sleep was really restless.  Eventually I got up because other people were up and talking really loudly.  I would have been irritated by their noise, but I was kind of relieved that I wasn't the only person awake anymore.  

I talked with Richard and Christa for a little while, but I was so hungry!  We hardly ate the few days before, and we had stressed our bodies out a lot.  It was kind of nice to feel hungry, because I had lost my appetite a lot before.  I was kind of afraid that there was something wrong.  

We waited for everyone to get ready for the day, stretched, and just chatted with each other.  It was a good, relaxing, morning. 

Finally we were all ready to go find food.  We walked down to a little shop that sold some kind of sandwich thing, that everyone loved.  I didn't love it, so I didn't buy anything, but luckily it was right next to a small grocery store, so I stopped there to get some food.  I bought some Pringles, a Coke (they don't sell Diet Coke in Brazil!  Weird!) and a Kit Kat.  Breakfast of champions, I know!

We walked back to the school where we were staying and relaxed some more.  I had a nice chat with Christa.  We decided to finally pack our stuff.  It never ceases to amaze me how I can pack so nicely and perfectly before a trip, but for some reason I can't pack it at all when I'm leaving.  This trip was no different.  I hadn't even bought souveniers!  Why didn't my stuff fit?

The group sat around for a while and found ways to entertain ourselves.  We had a ball that provided a lot of entertainment.  It's amazing how simple things like a ball mean so much more after all that we had been through!

I had an interesting conversation with one of the pilgrims, who was kind of having a hard time.  I asked this person what would have made this trip worth it, and the answer surprised me.  Nothing would have made it worth it.  

That conversation left a weird feeling in me.  Granted, this was not an easy trip, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't worth it.  Of course it was worth it.  No matter where you go or what you are doing, there are going to be challenging experiences.  Things aren't going to go as planned.  You are going to have to suffer.  But you can either TRY to enjoy it, or you can just sulk about how awful it is.  For instance:  someday, I hope to get married.  And when that day comes, I know that it will be difficult.  But when it becomes difficult, I hope that I don't just sit back, pout, and give up.  And I hope that my husband doesn't either.  If you don't try to enjoy it, what's the point?

I'm not saying that I was perfect at trying to make this a positive experience.  Goodness knows that there were times when I just wanted to give up and run home.  But there were times that meant a lot to me.  Those things wouldn't have meant as much if I had just stopped trying, stopped caring.  I loved certain parts of this pilgrimage, and I will never regret going if I can keep those moments forever.  

At 3:00, our bus came to pick us up from the school (thank God that Richard thought to get a bus to get us!  Otherwise we would have had to take public transportation, with all of our luggage, for a long drive!  This was a nice treat!).  The bus took us to our hotel (thank God for hotels) called "Ipanema Plaza."  It was lovely, and I'm not just saying that because we were so desperate for beds, showers and food.  It was a naturally lovely hotel, almost right on the beach!

We signed paperwork and then went to our rooms.  The bathrooms had bidets in them, which everyone talked about later on.  

We had time in our rooms before dinner, which was something I loved so much.  Christa and I were in a room together, and when we got to our rooms, we had internet, beds, showers, and silence.  Christa and I are good friends, but we didn't talk to each other at all while we were in our rooms, and I appreciated that very much.  I think that it was the first time in days when I didn't have someone talking to me.  It was nice to have silence.  

We walked to a Tex-Mex Grill for dinner, where we met up with our Vermont friends.  It was really special to get to eat one last dinner with them.  

I didn't eat.  I did have a Pepsi, which was really good.  I think that the group was really tired of hearing me say, "I don't like that" about food items.  But the whole food situation actually caused me a lot of stress.  It was something that I just wasn't willing to give into while we were there.  Plus, the place where we ate was expensive, and I didn't have much money, and we still had another day!  Maybe, just maybe, if the menus hadn't been so poorly translated, I would have been willing to try stuff.  But there were words that I just didn't recognize, and I was afraid of what those things meant.  I just couldn't eat.

After we got back to the hotel, I learned that the teens "reversed pickpocketed" me.  I guess that some of them gave a little bit of money and had Christa slip it into my stuff, so that I could eat the next day.  It was a really sweet idea.  

We got back to the hotel and I was asleep within minutes!  It was amazing how quickly I fell asleep!  I really badly needed it, as we all did!

Thank God for beds!

World Youth Day - Day 9 (The Papal Mass)

Sunday, July 28, 2013

I would have thought that I would be extremely exhausted waking up at 5:00 am, after a night of restless sleep on the cold, hard sidewalk, but I was wrong.  I was amazed at how alert I was considering the circumstances.

A few thoughts ran through my head upon waking up.  Trying to go back to sleep was useless.  I should try to use the port-a-potty now because the line would be much smaller now.  It was really cold.  I was bored.  There was a barricade miraculously set up around us.

It was the last thought that really intrigued me.  I couldn't figure out how or when it had appeared.  Before, I thought that my sleep was really shallow, but when I saw that a metal barricade had been built around my head while I was sleeping, and I had no idea that it was happening, I realized I was in a deeper sleep than I had known.

I wondered if some officials set up the barricade, considering we were right by a walk-way.  This was part of the reason that I was afraid to go to sleep the night before.  I was afraid that someone would step on me in my sleep.  Maybe an official had that concern as well.

But I soon discovered that it was our guardian, Trevor, who had taken pieces of the barricade that was set up to protect the Pope, and put it around our group to protect us.  I guess he was concerned about the people stepping on us, too.  It was a really cool surprise.  He really took good care of us, probably in ways we will never even know.  It was very special.

As I sat up in the dark early morning, wondering about what I should do, a couple of guys came to talk to me.  I heard one say to another, "They are American," while pointing at me.  The only people who were awake in our group was Trevor and me, so I was a little worried that they would come and talk to me.  And then my fears were realized.  They came and talked to me.

I was worried, but then again, there were so many people around, what would they do?  We talked for a little while, and I found out that they were not part of the World Youth Day crowd (again, worried), but that they wanted to practice their English on English speaking people.  I was annoyed that they were talking so loud, because my group was trying to sleep.  They were harmless and left quickly.

Trevor brought me some cardboard to sit on, because the ground was cold.  I thought that was really nice.  It made a big difference, too!.  


I got to watch the sunrise on the beach.  People started to wake up as the sun rose, but they were woken up very abruptly at 7:00 am, when the music started playing!  Morning prayer began.

People brought tents, but I was embarrassed that we brought backpacks.  Where did they put those tents?  Did they have Hermoine's purse from the Harry Potter movies?  Maybe!

The sunrise on the beach

Me at the barricade that Trevor built, just after the sun came up

I hadn't had the courage to use the restroom yet, because I was so cold.  After I learned that it took one member of our group an hour and a half to stand in line, and that the toilets were overflowing, I decided to wait.  This, of course, was a bold move.  I decided that I would just not drink any water that morning.  I hadn't had much the night before, so this would really not be any different.  For future reference:  this is not a good or healthy plan.  But, it's the one that I chose and stuck with for far too long!

I had lost my appetite in a big way the night before, and I still didn't feel like eating much.  But someone brought some bananas to share, and I ate one of those.  I also ate one of the toast packets, and some pineapple juice (which I wasn't going to drink, but I really needed something to drink!).  

The sun came up, and I lied back down for a little while.  I probably slept for half an hour.  What can I say?  It was the best sleep I got all night.  I was finally warm.  Even though I was more alert than I expected, I was quite tired.

After I woke up again, we started talking about packing our stuff up.  We learned that we had to replace the barricade because the Pope was going to drive back through the crowd again.  We were so close at this point!  Maybe we would get to see him!  I know that I wasn't going to miss out on this opportunity.  I may never get this chance again!  I had to take it while I could!

I packed up my stuff and grabbed a great spot near the barricades.  Others from our group saw me there and followed quickly afterwards.  We stood there for a little while. We were pretty much as close as we could get.  And, although we had to wait for a couple of hours, we knew that it would be worth it.  And the time really flew at this point.

And then...it happened.

We.

Saw.

The.

Pope!!!!!!!!!

He drove right past us!  I was probably about 20 feet away from him.  Now, I'm kind of a goof-ball when it comes to famous people, but this was more than just a close encounter with a famous person.  This was the Pope!  El Papa!  It was incredible!

We stood around for a little while.  I was shaking from the excitement of seeing the Pope!  I could hardly even breathe!  We all had to calm down for a little while.

After the Pope got up to the stage, a couple of ceremony things happened.  We performed the world's biggest flash mob dance for the Pope, which was kind of cool.  

Mass started.  We finally had a transistor radio (because a priest gave one to me), and so we were able to hear the English translation of the mass.  Pope Francis made three main points:  1 - Go, 2 - Do not be afraid, 3 - Serve.  He talked about how Jesus is always walking right beside us, and so we are never ever alone in our journey.  I thought that was so beautiful.  It was simple, but profound. 

One of the girls from our group had hurt her ankle during the vigil, and it was during the mass that they decided to get a medical person to look at it.  They decided that she needed to be taken in for x-rays.  Some of the group went with her.

While that part of the group was away, the mass was still happening.  Some of the group wanted to leave early, but I didn't, and for good reason.  A pilgrimage is a journey with a destination.  Our earthly pilgrimage is supposed to lead us to heaven.  That's the destination of our pilgrimage on Earth.  Our World Youth Day pilgrimage was to lead us to a papal mass.  THAT was our destination.  To leave early would mean that we went through all of that suffering, pain and toil for nothing.  I just didn't think that was such a good idea.  

At the end of Mass, the Pope announced the location for the next World Youth Day, which will take place in Poland in 2016.  What a tribute that will be to Pope John Paul II, who was from Poland, who loved youth and started World Youth Day!  He'll be a Saint by then, too!  It'll be an amazing event, and, even though I had a really difficult time with some of this event, I kind of want to go to that one.  I think that it will be very special.  

Most people also disagreed with me when I decided that we would finish the pilgrimage with the walk home, instead of taking the subway.  But again, that was an important part of the pilgrimage journey, especially on this particular World Youth Day, with the theme, "Go make disciples of all nations!"  After all, the theme was, "Go," not, "Ok, now it's time to relax."  Just because the mass was over, which technically meant that the pilgrimage was over, didn't mean that our journey was over.  We are never called to stop.  That's why it's so important that the final words of the mass are "Go in peace to love and serve the Lord."  Once the mass is over, we are called to go out into the world and give what we have received.  It's NOT over!  Once we get to heaven, we will still be working.  Maybe not with tiresome, boring, painful labor, but we will be working in heaven.  We will be praying, just like the souls that are currently in heaven are doing.  Death does not mean an end in work.

We had to keep moving, even if it was tiring.  I kept reflecting on how Pope Francis reminded us that we aren't on this journey alone, that Jesus is right beside us.  As we walked back, I kept picturing Jesus there with us.  I didn't share that with anyone, but I thought it was great.  

I don't believe in taking the easy way, and I don't believe our pilgrims should, either.  You know what kind of person takes the easy way?  An unhappy one.  Seriously.  The people who try to cut corners and cut lines and cheat and lie and do half-hearted work are rarely happy people.  They don't have anything to be proud of, any accomplishments to their name.  Faith is not easy.  You may have times of ease and comfort, maybe even extended times, but in the end, you're going to be challenged.  And it's those who pick up their backpacks and get back on the road who make it to heaven.  And our group certainly got to experience our own type of heaven.

It turns out that the walk home was quite pleasant.  Not only was our group in a particularly good mood the entire way (despite the fact that they really didn't want to walk), but it was a lovely day, and we all got to thoroughly enjoy each other's company.  We chatted, took pictures, took short bathroom and water breaks, and we made it back in one piece!  It was so pleasant, in fact, that many of the pilgrims expressed how it was one of their favorite times in the entire pilgrimage.  And, even though I have no specific memories to point out about this walk home, I can say that I loved it, too.  It was peaceful, and it was fun.

It took us a long time to walk back.  Three hours.  But when we got back to the ferry, we saw bus loads of people who were still being transported by bus to the ferries!  Which means that we could have (and probably would have) stood in line for three or more hours waiting to get shoved onto tiny, crowded, and rather scary buses, OR, we could have done what we did, which was to walk back and enjoy our afternoon together.  I think that most of us were incredibly grateful for what we decided to do!

On the ferry after the walk home.  We made it!

Most of the time that we were in Brazil, the pilgrims kept asking if we could go to Outback Steakhouse.  I surprised them that night by allowing them to eat dinner there!  Even though I hate steak, this was one of my favorite times in the whole week.  We truly experienced heaven there.  Even though we all stunk, we were extremely exhausted, and we had huge backpacks with us, we celebrated at Outback Steakhouse like you wouldn't believe.  Meals were devoured.  Laughter was shared.  A sense of accomplishment hovered over us.  We had made our pilgrimage, and we finished the right way.  It doesn't get much better than that.

I was still sick, and because I was sick, I pretty much lost my hearing in my left ear.  Dinner was rather interesting for me, but it was kind of funny.  I had no idea sometimes that people were talking to me.  I strained to hear, but couldn't.  I had to have the people who were closest to me repeat what others further away were saying.  For all I know, they were making fun of me right next to me, and I had no clue!  I doubt that happened, but with this group, you never know!

I don't even remember the bus ride from Outback Steakhouse to the school, but I know we must have done it!  We were all very focused on getting home at that point.  Immediately upon arriving back at the school, most people jumped in the showers.  It was a huge relief to finally be clean!  That was a lot of exercise!  

The group that went to the hospital to get x-rays finally came back.  I stayed out and chatted with some of our pilgrims for a little while, but quickly went to bed.  I couldn't wait to be asleep.

Just before I went to bed, the group from England returned.  They told us about how they spent the day on the beach, which sounded like a terrible idea to me!  Knowing what I now know, I think that the best thing for our particular group was exactly what we did:  walk home and eat at Outback Steakhouse!  It was a fun, although tiring, day!  Truly one of the best!

World Youth Day - Day 8 (The Vigil)

Saturday, July 27, 2013

It was the worst possible day to get sick, but it happened.  I woke up on the morning of the vigil almost incapable of breathing because I had such a bad head cold.  Luckily, between the medicines that I brought and the ones Richard brought, I was able to get myself feeling well enough to have a good day.

We woke up at a reasonable time, but the group from England had been gone for some time before we even got up.  This was cause for concern for me.  I couldn't help but wonder exactly why they thought it was so important to get up so early.  What memo did WE miss?

One of the first things that I noticed was that our packs were big and heavy compared to the other people we saw getting ready.  We brought backpacking backpacks, while other groups just used the small day packs that we had been using on the weekdays.  I was embarrassed.  All I brought in my backpack was a sleeping bag, some warm(ish) clothes, my first aid kit, and some water.  I wondered how they fit everything inside those small packs.  And I almost immediately regretted bringing so much stuff.  My bag was heavy and cumbersome.  I longed to have a smaller, lighter bag, like so many of the people around us. 

We all got ready and left to go get breakfast.  Our breakfast kits were a bit bigger this morning, because they included a snack.  Most of us were hungry and ate the snack with the breakfast.  Even with the snack, the breakfasts weren't very filling.  And with the long walk ahead of us, we were going to need the energy.

We spent more time eating breakfast than I would have liked, but it turned out that that extra 15 minutes didn't really make a big difference.  

We got on the bus to go to Rio, which took us to the beginning of the pilgrimage walk.  We got off the bus, took a few moments to apply sunscreen, pray as a group, and collect ourselves.  And then, we were off!

Beginning the long walk (about 6 miles)

We began at a rather quick pace, but I think that most of us were content with it.  

Then we stopped for a break.

Then we started.

Then we stopped for a break.

Then we started.

Then it started to rain, and we had to stop to get our rain gear on.

Rain can't stop us!

Then we started.

The stopping and starting became a little irritating, but it was necessary.  One of the boys volunteered to carry the backpack of a member of our group who was unable to carry it herself.  He carried his pack on his back, and hers on his front.  He was extremely generous with that pack.  He never complained.  He never got frustrated.  He just did what he had to do.  Seeing that was really special.

We were told that we were going to have to stop to get the rest of our food along the way.  When we got to the point where we had to get the food, there were people everywhere.  It was crazy.  The line was insane.  But this was the food that we were going to eat for our lunch, dinner, and breakfast the next day.  There wasn't really much of a choice.  We had to stop and wait in that line.

Balloons

Some of the boys waited in line while the rest of us waited under a tree near the port-a-potties.  Despite what you may think, this was actually a good location, because, for many of us, this would be the last time we'd get to use a port-a-potty for about 24 hours.  If we weren't so close to them, many of our group might have gotten lazy and decide not to use them at that time.  It was a huge blessing that we were there.

Some of the teens got to sleep while we waited for the food.  The guys who were standing in line didn't get to, though.  I didn't sleep either.  I was trying to be in solidarity with those guys as much as possible.  Plus, someone had to make sure that our stuff didn't get stolen.  Yes, that was a real fear!

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting

One of the girls braided the hair of many of the girls who were with us.  It was really nice of her to do that for us.  It took a long time to do everyone's hair.  She is really talented.  Men just don't understand the braided hair thing.  I've heard Chris Padgett, a Catholic youth speaker, talk and joke about girls braiding their hair at these types of events.  Believe me, it's not just about a look (although, it was nice to finally get some pictures of myself that where my hair didn't look like a complete mess).  Sometimes it's about functionality.  It keeps the hair out of your face, which is a huge benefit at an event where you don't have the time or patience to keep fixing it.  Plus, it feels way less dirty when it's braided.  Don't ask me why.

Hair braided!

A volunteer approached me at one point and asked me if we were planning on staying in that spot once our food arrived.  I said no.  I could see the relief on her face when I said that.  She had a hard job, making sure that everyone left quickly.  The natural instinct is to eat your lunch once you get it, especially considering it was now 3:00 in the afternoon and we hadn't eaten since breakfast.  When I told her that we were planning on leaving (before she asked me to), she just smiled and said, "That is a good answer!"  I liked that.  I felt bad for her.  I was happy to make it easy on her.

We waited.  And waited.  And waited for our food.  After four long hours of waiting, we finally had our food, and we were walking again.  We didn't even take the time to eat some of it.  We just took our kits and started walking.

The boxes weren't made for travel, and the bottoms kept breaking.  That was really frustrating.

The walk was harder than it had been before the food break, but it wasn't impossible.  It was really crowded and intense.  Carrying those boxes of food was surprisingly difficult.  They were heavy and awkward, and that little bit of extra weight made the journey that much more difficult.

Everyone in the crowd had high spirits though.  They kept chanting the phrase that they had been saying all week:  "Esta es!  La juventud del Papa!" which means something like, "This is the youth of the Pope!"  

I kept feeling water splash on my ankles, and I thought that it was a bit strange until someone pointed out that my bag was wet and dripping water.  Yep.  Sure enough, the water bottle that I had packed at the TOP of my stuff, had opened and leaked all the way through to the bottom of my bag.  All of the contents of my bag were wet.  This was going to be an awesome night.

Walking through Rio was exciting.  The people of Rio didn't really protest (although a few did quietly).  Mostly, the people came to cheer us on.  They lined streets and bridges as we passed, waving and taking our pictures.  I felt like the city really embraced what was going on, and I felt very welcomed and loved by them.  I know that I'm not the only one who felt that way.  

Supporters from Rio, cheering us on!

Our view as we walked!  So beautiful!

It was getting dark when we finally got to the beach (remember, it was winter there, so the sun set early).  The streets were incredibly and intensely crowded.  At one point, I overheard a member of our group say, "Well now my trip is ruined!"  I turned to find out what was going on, only to discover that he had been pickpocketed, and his camera was stolen out from his pocket.  I shouted to the front of the group to stop, and rushed ahead to tell Richard what had happened.  I wanted to remind everyone to not put anything in their pockets.  At that point, I saw Richard worry.  He checked his pockets and found that he, too, had been pick pocketed.  His credit cards and ID were in his pocket, and had been stolen.  Why would you put anything in your pocket?!

We stopped, in the middle of the street, so he could borrow my phone to call home and start the process of canceling his credit cards.  This happened very quickly, actually, and then we began to look for a place to camp.

We couldn't get through to the beach yet, because the barricades were up.  The Pope was going to pass very close to us.  Again, we stopped by the port-a-potties. 

We waited, took bathroom breaks (if you can call it a bathroom), and rested.  We were actually really close to the barricades at this point, and so we were hoping that we could actually catch a glimpse of the Pope as he passed by.  And we did!  This time, for less than one second, I caught a glimpse of his face!  It was so fast and so chaotic, but I saw him!  I couldn't believe it!

Climbing Port-A-Potties is pretty risky, but they thought it was worth it to catch a glimpse of the Pope!

This is where it got scary!  They opened the barricaded area to let us onto the beach.  I had a small group with me, while the rest of the group was way ahead.  The crowds started pressing forward, and I started to get carried away with the crowd.  Literally.  My feet weren't even touching the ground.  I had no control over where I was going.  It was kind of scary.  I remember thinking, "This is how people get crushed in crowds.  This is how people die."  

It was while I was being carried away that Richard's wife called back to update him on the credit card situation.  I felt bad for her, because that was a very stressful situation for her, so I answered the phone.  While I was being carried.  I couldn't really help her, but I wanted her to know that Richard would call her back very soon. 

Finally, we got through the worst part of the crowd, and on to the beach.  The beach was packed with people, and nobody would let us sit with them.  Some of them were kind of rude about it, but I don't blame them.  How early had they left in order to reserve those spots I wonder?  Earlier in the day I had wondered why the group from England decided to leave so early.  After seeing this, I realized that even they left too late! 

We were looking for a place on the beach, and I turned around and saw this.  All those screens!

We left the beach and went out to the streets, where we decided to camp out temporarily.  Temporarily turned into permanently for the rest of the night, and I was relieved about that.  People kept trying to walk over our stuff, so Christa and I made a human wall to stop that from happening.  I so badly wanted to sit down, but until things died down a bit, I refused!  Two of the boys did the same thing on a different corner of our camp out area.  Nobody could ruin our camp site!

The boys, keeping watch of our camp site!

The Pope led us in Adoration, which was amazing.  Yes, it was still hard to concentrate, but it was so beautiful that it was impossible not to appreciate what was going on.  

Our camp site

When the vigil ended, several people from our group were asleep right away.  A few of us stayed up and played cards for a little while, but mostly, we were excited to go to sleep.  It had been a long day, and we knew it would be hard again tomorrow.  It was here that I discovered that the most essential thing I brought with me (my sleeping bag) wasn't wet from my water bottle spilling!  I had sprayed it with water proofing spray before we left, and so I give myself credit for it being dry!  Maybe that's unreasonable, but I don't care!  I am taking credit for it anyway!

It was unsafe for everyone to sleep, because the thieves weren't even being subtle.  They were just picking up people's things and walking away with them.  A few of the boys took turns watching our stuff.  Until 2:00 am, one boy kept watch, and then our hero, a boy named Trevor, stayed up the rest of the night, keeping watch.  I'll tell you what, there were several moments when I woke up, panicking, thinking that nobody was keeping watch.  And every time I woke up, he was right there, quickly by my side, asking if I needed anything.  I was always assured that he was keeping us safe and looking out for us.  Now, I have slept in a sleeping bag many times in my life, and I have never experienced what happened here, but I actually managed to zip my hair into my sleeping bag while I had been asleep.  And who was there to help me unzip it?  Trevor!  It was so good to have him around.  It was cold, and yet he gave all of his warm clothes and sleeping stuff to people in our group who were cold.  He was tired, and yet he stayed awake the entire night.  He really took care of us and protected us when we needed him.  It was really quite special.  

Sleeping on the street was quite painful, and cold, but we made it through.  I was still feeling rather ill, but I was in a good mood.  We were excited for tomorrow, for we were hopeful it would bring amazing things.  And it sure did!

Christa and I were tired, but happy!  It was a good day!