Authentic Friendship

One time, I had a roommate who was my best friend.  We were as close as could be.  One night, she was out of town.  In the mountains, actually.  She was volunteering for a retreat that our church and several other churches had put together.  I got to our apartment, went to unlock the door, and I discovered that our lock was broken.  How'd it break?  I don't know.  But it was broken.  I went to get my cell phone out of my purse so that I could call someone to come rescue me, when I realized that my phone was inside my apartment.  It was on the dining room table, which was probably a mere 15 feet from where I was standing.  If only I could get around that door with the broken lock, I could call our maintenance people and get the lock fixed.  What could I do? 

I drove to my mom's house and asked her if I could use her phone.  Before I called the maintenance people, I wanted to call my roommate to see if she had an extra key anywhere, maybe at her parent's house.  I called and called and called her phone, but she never answered.  It turns out that she didn't get any cell service where she was.  It wasn't until 3:00 am when the "emergency" maintenance people finally got to my apartment to unlock the door.  I waited outside, in a dark parking lot for four hours for them to get there.  It turned out to be a funny story in the end.  In the end.

I needed my friend, and she wasn't there for me. 

Another time, I was new to the town I was living in; I had only lived there for about two months.  The only person I really knew at the time was my roommate (a different one than the previous story).  I had been at a function at my church, and I left my keys in the church.  After I walked all the way home, I realized what I had done.  I walked back to the church and discovered that it was closed, and that there was nobody around who could help me get my keys.  I called my roommate, seeking help.  She was in another part of the state, home with her family, celebrating her birthday.  She didn't come to help me. 

I was stranded.  I didn't know what to do.  I sat down, outside my apartment complex, thinking, when my phone rang.  "Hello?" I said.  "Krissy?  This is Christopher.  I heard you're locked out of your apartment."  Now remember, I hadn't been living there for very long.  I had only met this person who was calling me about two or three times.  It was very strange.  "Yes, I am locked out of my apartment.  How'd you know that?"  "Well, Sarah called Catherine.  Catherine called Ashley.  Ashley called me."  "Seriously?  I only talked to Sarah a few minutes ago.  How'd that many people get called so quickly?"  "We're that good."  That was the truth!  "Well, I'm in North Carolina right now, but I will make some calls to some people, to see if someone can help you. 

Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, a girl I had only met one time was pulling up to my apartment to let me stay at her house for the night.  She had been moving, so all of her stuff was in boxes and scattered all around.  Even though I had to sleep on the floor, I had blankets, pillows, a roof over my head, and most importantly, I was safe.  The next day I was able to retrieve my keys and go home.

These stories have caused me to reflect a great deal on authentic friendship.  Neither of my roommates were being bad friends.  The one in the first story couldn't help it that her phone didn't get reception.  I'm not sure what she would have done even if she had good reception.  In fact, had she decided to drive all the way home, it still would have taken her several hours to get there.  I still would have had to wait for her, alone, in a dark and scary parking lot.  And we still would have had to wait for the emergency maintenance man to fix the lock.

In the other situation, my friend couldn't help it that she was in another part of the state.  She couldn't help it that I lost my keys on her birthday.  This wasn't her fault.  But even though she couldn't come rescue me by unlocking the door, she arranged for people to help me.  It was a very kind thing for her to do.

However, it is the people who didn't know me at all who made the biggest difference in my life those days.  The phone calls that were made in order to make sure that I had a safe place to stay for the night.  Those people were friends to a person who needed a friend the most.  In the most profound way possible.

Now, I have had a lot of friends in my life, some that have stayed with me for a long time, and others who have quickly left.  Through these friendships, I have experienced love and betrayal, and I have loved and betrayed.  It is the authentic friendship that survives through both the good times and the bad.

What is a good friend?  Is it simply someone who never judges you?  Is it someone who is always there for you?  Is it a person who agrees with you about everything?  Of course not.  If those were true than none of us would ever have any friends.  Never judge?  Everyone judges at certain times.  You can try to avoid it, but ultimately you will judge and be judged.  Always there for you?  Well, as we've seen, sometimes it can't be helped to not be there for someone.  No friend can guarantee that they will always be there.  Sometimes you don't have cell service.  Sometimes you are in another part of the state.  These things can't always be helped.  A friend who always agrees with you is probably being fake about some things.  You are unique.  You are created to be that way.  If you never have different opinions about your friend, there's a problem.

Authentic friends care more about the protection of their friend than anything else.  This means that they will not tolerate gossip or rumors about that person.  Whether or not a thing is true doesn't matter.  If a person's reputation is being ruined, it's a problem.

Protecting a friend takes their soul into consideration, too.  It turns out that there is such a thing as "Holy Fun."  You can have fun without sinning, without breaking the rules, without hurting anyone.  Friends who care more about having fun than your personal safety aren't good friends.  That includes your physical safety, your emotional safety, and your spiritual safety.  A few hours or moments of fun aren't worth the risk of injury, death, health, depression, anxiety, punishment, or harm to your soul.  A friend who constantly pressures you to do these things is pressuring you because of selfish reasons.  They don't care about your personal happiness.  They care their image, their personal pleasure, or their reputation (i.e. about having a friend who is popular or cool).  That's the most important thing to them, and you need to be wary of friends like that.  They aren't actually your friend at all.  They are a friend to them self and nobody else.

Look for friends who build you up instead of tear you down.  Friends who you want to spend time with, who makes you feel like a better person.  Friends who protect you, who want to spend time with you, and who love you. 

"Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter:
whoever finds one has found a treasure.
Faithful friends are beyond price;
no amount can balance their worth.
Faithful friends are life-saving medicine;
and those who fear the Lord will find them.”
-Sirach 6:14-16