I Love Being a Youth Minister!

January 1, 2013
"On the Edge"

Youth Ministers are often misunderstood!  We are thought to be the “fun” staff members.  People think that all we ever do is play.  And, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my job!  One of the many reasons (although not the most important reason) why I love my job is because I get to have fun and play!  But that’s a very small part of what it is that I love about my job! 

I love the difficult things about my job, too.  That sounds strange, but it’s the truth.  Having difficult conversations with people about their struggles often challenges me, and in a good way.  When I am giving advice to a teen or a parent, I often take the advice I give to heart for myself!  Because of those things, I get to grow, too.

I get to see a side of teens that not many others get to see.  Their parents get to see their “home” selves. That’s not always the prettiest picture.  Their friends get to see their “cool” selves.  Their “hanging out” selves.  Many people would call these "selves" masks.  And as much as we try to fight it, we all still wear masks.  I wouldn’t say that they are really masks, though.  Not necessarily.  I believe that the “home” self is genuine.  I believe that the “friend” self is also genuine.  They can be fake, of course.  If the masks contradict themselves.  But for the most part, the person presenting different "selves" are really just showing themselves from a different angle, that's all.  We are, after all, three-dimensional beings.  You don’t get to see the whole picture at once. 

While many people think that all Youth Ministers do is play, a lot of people incorrectly think that Youth Ministers only get to see the bad stuff in teens.  Teens tend to confess what they’ve done to their Youth Ministers to get help, advice and prayers.  Sometimes I wish that I could give them absolution in these moments!  But, alas, I am not a priest and cannot!  But hearing the bad stuff could make any person lose faith, if they didn’t get to see the other stuff, too.  Teens also tell us of the bad things others have done to them.  Taking all of that in can be overwhelming.   

But, I don’t just get to see the “bad” self or the “hurt” self; I get to see the “spiritual” self.  I get to see the teen feel sorry for their sins and repent.  I get to see bravery as they deal with their problems.  I get to see them forgive.  I get to see the love that they show to each other.  But most importantly, I get to see them pray.  In real ways.  In completely authentic, uninhibited, unguarded ways.  That’s something that their parents don’t really get to see.  Their friends, unless that are active in the youth group, also miss out on it.  There is nothing more moving than to see a teen visibly transformed by what Christ can do in their lives.  And there are so few of us who are given the amazing privilege of seeing that first-hand.  That is why I love my job!

There is a huge amount of turn-over in youth ministry, because youth ministers don’t always look at their job the way that I do.  Many youth ministers are blinded by rude parents, or by the few staff who don’t quite understand what it is we do, or by parishioners who think it’s our job to change the youth of the parish ourselves.  Whatever the complaints that other Youth Ministers have, none of those things compare to the joy of it all. And, in reality, the percentage of those who complain is tiny compared to the percentage of people who don't.  And yet, as humans, it is so much easier to focus and dwell on those negative comments, that aren't just annoying, but quite hurtful.

But we are all “on the Edge.”  Satan doesn’t like what we do, and so he attacks.  Taking our eyes off of Jesus for one second can send us over the edge.  Quickly.  And we all do take our eyes off at some point.  But Jesus is always there to pull us back in. 

Most of the time, this “On the Edge” segment will be about the teachings we had the previous night at the group called The Edge.  Since we are on Christmas Break, I didn’t have an Edge Night last night!  So I had nothing to write for a teaching.  Don’t worry, teens, I won’t be sharing your personal stories here!  But do keep reading!  It won’t always be about the teaching, if there is something more important that needs being said!  This is my New Year’s Resolution!  Please pray for me as I write this blog!  Please help me to keep it going, to be true to the teachings of the Church, and to love doing it!  I will pray for you, dear reader, in hope that what I say is meaningful to you, too!

Be Annoying

"Always forgive your enemies.  Nothing annoys them so much" - Oscar Wilde.

Forgiveness.  The concept is easy.  The practice, not so much.  Why?  Why is it so difficult to forgive?  What's even more difficult for many people is to accept forgiveness.  In fact, many people would say it's easier to forgive another when they hurt you than it is to forgive yourself when you hurt someone.  And we all know how difficult it is to forgive others, so it must be even more difficult to forgive yourself! 

God has pretty high expectations for us.  It's hard not to mess up every now and then.  But God is good and knows that He sets high expectations, which we won't always meet.  And that is why He gives us the amazing gift of Reconciliation.  A lot of people think that Reconciliation is like a punishment.  They think this because Reconciliation can be very uncomfortable for a few moments.  But it's never been intended to be a punishment.  It's exactly what I said earlier; it's a gift.

Believe it or not, God actually wants you to be in Heaven!  I know!  That's weird!  But He does!  He isn't trying to set you up for failure!  He doesn't set His expectations high and then implement a zero-tolerance policy!  God wants you in Heaven so much that He sent His son here to die for you so that you could have a chance of going there!  To not take advantage of Reconciliation is kind of like saying that what He did on the cross is not that big of a deal.  And, of course, it is a big deal.

If you look at the Ten Commandments, it's easy to think that some of the commandments don't have anything to do with God, but that's not true.  The first three are really obvious:  don't have any other gods, don't take His name in vain, and keep holy the Sabbath.  Those things are clearly showing how they affect your relationship with God.  However, the last seven commandments talk about your relationship with others:  honor your father and mother, don't kill, don't steal, don't lie, etc.  It may seem like this doesn't have anything to do with God, but remember what Jesus said, "Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me" (Matthew 25:40), or "Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me" (Matthew 25:45).  Here's an email forward I received recently that shows this example very well:

Dart Test...
A young lady named Sally, relates an experience she had in a class, given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. She says that Dr. Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons.
One particular day, Sally walked into the class and knew they were in for a fun day.
On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person's picture.
Sally's friend drew a picture of who had stolen her boyfriend. Another friend drew a picture of his little brother. Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. Sally was pleased with the overall effect she had achieved.
The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith, because of time limits, asked the students to return to their seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn't have a chance to throw any darts at her target, Dr. Smith began removing the target from the wall.

Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced.
Dr. Smith said only these words.... "In as much as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me" Matthew 25:40.

No other words were necessary; the tears filled eyes of the students focused only on the picture of Christ.
What is Sin?
Sin is any act that separates us from God.  There are two types of sin.  One of them is called "Venial Sin," which wounds a person's soul.  It's hard to give an example of what Venial Sin is, because most of the time it really depends on the person.  For example, using bad language can be either a Venial Sin or a Mortal Sin.  It just depends on the intention of the person. 

Mortal Sin is actually more common, and it is a lot worse.  Mortal Sin completely separates you from God.  Anything that breaks one of the Ten Commandments is a Mortal Sin.  However, in order for it to be a Mortal Sin, it has to fit these three requirements:  it has to be serious matter (like anything breaking the Ten Commandments), the person has to know it's sinful, and the person has to be completely willing to do the sin.  Most of the time, people fit all three categories.

What if the Priest is shocked by what I say?  or tells my mom?  or judges me?
This is a common question, but it's one that you don't have to worry about.  Why?  Because when a priest is in a sacramental moment, when he is saying mass or doing Reconciliation, he is actually "In persona Christe," or "In the Person of Christ."  This means that it isn't his words at that moment, but Jesus' words!  And I'll tell you what, when you have done something really bad, and the priest is so kind to you about it, you know that it must be Jesus who is speaking to you!  I remember one time when I had to confess something that I felt really bad about.  I had purposefully tried to hurt a friend's feelings, and I was successful.  I had hurt my friend really bad, and I felt really bad about it.  I cried so much during that Reconciliation, because I just kept thinking about how awful I was and how mean and ugly my heart was, and I felt like the worst person ever.  When I was done talking, I was kind of waiting for the priest to yell and scream and be disgusted by what I had done, and he smiled and said, "I am so happy that you are here, and that you have come back to Jesus!  Thank you for such a sincere confession!"  He thanked me!  I was shocked!  I would have wanted to yell at me!  But he didn't!

Priests hear confession for a long time.  And priests go to confession.  They know that people aren't perfect, because they aren't perfect!  A lot of the things people confess, the priests might have confessed at one point in their lives, too.  It's not going to surprise them.  Unless it's a brand new priest, his first confession ever, you probably don't have to worry about whether or not he's ever heard it before.  And even then, like I said before, he might have even confessed that same thing before!

Can a priest tell what you've said in confession?  I actually have a friend whose uncle is a priest.  Let's say that my friend went to that priest for Reconciliation.  Could he tell her mom or dad what she said in Reconciliation?  No!  Not only is it against their faith, but it is against the law!  If you go to Reconciliation and confess something really horrible, like you killed someone, the priest cannot testify against you!  Now, the priest can say that your penance is to tell your parent, or to turn yourself into law officials, if it's that big of a sin.  But, he cannot tell for you!  And I don't think he'd want to, anyway.  Priests take this sacrament very seriously.  They know how difficult it is to share these personal things.  They want you to feel safe.  How could you feel safe if there was the fear that they'd tell on you?  And what's cool is that priests often say that they don't even remember what they heard in confession!  They forget!  Because it's more important to them that you are absolved than that you sinned!  And why is that the most important part?  It's because they are "In Persona Christe!"  What a great faith we have!

Examination of Conscience
It is important to do a full Examination of Conscience before you go to Reconciliation.  This just means that you think very carefully about the many ways you have sinned.  It is important to do this so that you are prepared, and to show God that you have really thought about how sorry you are.  Imagine a friend hurt your feelings somehow, and then went to apologize, but said that they were sorry for something different than what hurt your feelings.  It's like that.  It's one thing to know you hurt someone, it's another to recognize how you hurt them.  To do this, I usually go through each commandment to see how I did that commandment.  The more thorough you are, the more likely it is that you'll see that most of the commandments have been broken in your daily life.  I've included an Examination of Conscience at the end of this post.

How to go to Reconciliation?
So now you know why sin is bad, and why Reconciliation is good.  You want to go, and you're even willing to get over the awkwardness of saying your sins, but now you're nervous because it's been so long since your last confession that you don't remember what you're supposed to do.  Well, here's the good news!  The priest can help you with that!  If you say, "My first confession is that I don't know how to do confession because I haven't been in a long time," the priest will help you out!  But if you don't want to do that, here are all of the steps of Reconciliation.

1 - Before you go, examine your conscience like I talked about before.
2 - The Priest talks first, by welcoming you, praying the Sign of the Cross, and inviting you to trust in God's goodness.
3 - Tell the priest how long it's been since your last confession, and then tell him your sins.  You must tell all of your mortal sins.  Lying or not telling your sins is actually sinful.  You don't want to sin during Reconciliation!
4 - Then the priest will talk again.  He will give you advice and counsel you on the things you spoke about.  He will also give you a penance at this time.  Remember what your penance is so that you can do it as soon as you leave Reconciliation!
5 - The priest will ask you to say an Act of Contrition.  This is a prayer that says that you are sorry for your sins and you promise to try to not do those things anymore.
6 - The priest will the absolve you from your sins by saying a prayer, and then praying the Sign of the Cross again. 
7 - The priest will say, "Go in peace," and you say, "Amen."  Then you leave and do your Act of Contrition as soon as possible.

What does this have to do with being annoying?
If Oscar Wilde is correct, that the most annoying thing you can do for your enemies is to forgive them, then God must be the most annoying thing there is!  The word Christian means "Little Christ."  Therefore, if we are like Christ, we should be forgiving people, too.  Which would make us annoying.  It's good to be annoying, if you're annoying because you're forgiving!  Let's give it a try!

Examination of Conscience
This is a very simple Examination of Conscience:
My relationship with God:
1.  Do I remember to pray each day?
2.  Do I pay attention at Mass?  Do I goof off at Church?
3.  Do I use God's name in vain?  without respect?  out of anger?

My relationship with Family, Friends and Neighbors:
1.  Do I obey my parents and teachers?  Do I do what they ask?
2.  Do I say mean things to my mom or day?  my brothers and sisters?  other kids at school?
3.  Do I say "thank you" to people?
4.  Am I hard to get along with?  bossy?
5. Am I lazy?  do I complete my chores?  do I cheat on my homework?
6.  Do I talk about people behind their backs?  Do I call them mean names?  Do I make fun of others?
7.  Do I tell lies?
8.  Do I bully others?
9.  Do I blame others for things I have done?
10.  Do I get people into trouble?
11.  Do I forgive people when they hurt me?
12.  Do I take things that don't belong from me, even from my brothers and sisters and parents?  Do I return things I borrow?  Do I ruin or break things I borrow?

Act of Contrition
My God, I am sorry for my sins with all of my heart.  In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you whom I love above all things.  I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin.  Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us.  In His name, my God have mercy.  Amen

Authentic Friendship

One time, I had a roommate who was my best friend.  We were as close as could be.  One night, she was out of town.  In the mountains, actually.  She was volunteering for a retreat that our church and several other churches had put together.  I got to our apartment, went to unlock the door, and I discovered that our lock was broken.  How'd it break?  I don't know.  But it was broken.  I went to get my cell phone out of my purse so that I could call someone to come rescue me, when I realized that my phone was inside my apartment.  It was on the dining room table, which was probably a mere 15 feet from where I was standing.  If only I could get around that door with the broken lock, I could call our maintenance people and get the lock fixed.  What could I do? 

I drove to my mom's house and asked her if I could use her phone.  Before I called the maintenance people, I wanted to call my roommate to see if she had an extra key anywhere, maybe at her parent's house.  I called and called and called her phone, but she never answered.  It turns out that she didn't get any cell service where she was.  It wasn't until 3:00 am when the "emergency" maintenance people finally got to my apartment to unlock the door.  I waited outside, in a dark parking lot for four hours for them to get there.  It turned out to be a funny story in the end.  In the end.

I needed my friend, and she wasn't there for me. 

Another time, I was new to the town I was living in; I had only lived there for about two months.  The only person I really knew at the time was my roommate (a different one than the previous story).  I had been at a function at my church, and I left my keys in the church.  After I walked all the way home, I realized what I had done.  I walked back to the church and discovered that it was closed, and that there was nobody around who could help me get my keys.  I called my roommate, seeking help.  She was in another part of the state, home with her family, celebrating her birthday.  She didn't come to help me. 

I was stranded.  I didn't know what to do.  I sat down, outside my apartment complex, thinking, when my phone rang.  "Hello?" I said.  "Krissy?  This is Christopher.  I heard you're locked out of your apartment."  Now remember, I hadn't been living there for very long.  I had only met this person who was calling me about two or three times.  It was very strange.  "Yes, I am locked out of my apartment.  How'd you know that?"  "Well, Sarah called Catherine.  Catherine called Ashley.  Ashley called me."  "Seriously?  I only talked to Sarah a few minutes ago.  How'd that many people get called so quickly?"  "We're that good."  That was the truth!  "Well, I'm in North Carolina right now, but I will make some calls to some people, to see if someone can help you. 

Sure enough, about 15 minutes later, a girl I had only met one time was pulling up to my apartment to let me stay at her house for the night.  She had been moving, so all of her stuff was in boxes and scattered all around.  Even though I had to sleep on the floor, I had blankets, pillows, a roof over my head, and most importantly, I was safe.  The next day I was able to retrieve my keys and go home.

These stories have caused me to reflect a great deal on authentic friendship.  Neither of my roommates were being bad friends.  The one in the first story couldn't help it that her phone didn't get reception.  I'm not sure what she would have done even if she had good reception.  In fact, had she decided to drive all the way home, it still would have taken her several hours to get there.  I still would have had to wait for her, alone, in a dark and scary parking lot.  And we still would have had to wait for the emergency maintenance man to fix the lock.

In the other situation, my friend couldn't help it that she was in another part of the state.  She couldn't help it that I lost my keys on her birthday.  This wasn't her fault.  But even though she couldn't come rescue me by unlocking the door, she arranged for people to help me.  It was a very kind thing for her to do.

However, it is the people who didn't know me at all who made the biggest difference in my life those days.  The phone calls that were made in order to make sure that I had a safe place to stay for the night.  Those people were friends to a person who needed a friend the most.  In the most profound way possible.

Now, I have had a lot of friends in my life, some that have stayed with me for a long time, and others who have quickly left.  Through these friendships, I have experienced love and betrayal, and I have loved and betrayed.  It is the authentic friendship that survives through both the good times and the bad.

What is a good friend?  Is it simply someone who never judges you?  Is it someone who is always there for you?  Is it a person who agrees with you about everything?  Of course not.  If those were true than none of us would ever have any friends.  Never judge?  Everyone judges at certain times.  You can try to avoid it, but ultimately you will judge and be judged.  Always there for you?  Well, as we've seen, sometimes it can't be helped to not be there for someone.  No friend can guarantee that they will always be there.  Sometimes you don't have cell service.  Sometimes you are in another part of the state.  These things can't always be helped.  A friend who always agrees with you is probably being fake about some things.  You are unique.  You are created to be that way.  If you never have different opinions about your friend, there's a problem.

Authentic friends care more about the protection of their friend than anything else.  This means that they will not tolerate gossip or rumors about that person.  Whether or not a thing is true doesn't matter.  If a person's reputation is being ruined, it's a problem.

Protecting a friend takes their soul into consideration, too.  It turns out that there is such a thing as "Holy Fun."  You can have fun without sinning, without breaking the rules, without hurting anyone.  Friends who care more about having fun than your personal safety aren't good friends.  That includes your physical safety, your emotional safety, and your spiritual safety.  A few hours or moments of fun aren't worth the risk of injury, death, health, depression, anxiety, punishment, or harm to your soul.  A friend who constantly pressures you to do these things is pressuring you because of selfish reasons.  They don't care about your personal happiness.  They care their image, their personal pleasure, or their reputation (i.e. about having a friend who is popular or cool).  That's the most important thing to them, and you need to be wary of friends like that.  They aren't actually your friend at all.  They are a friend to them self and nobody else.

Look for friends who build you up instead of tear you down.  Friends who you want to spend time with, who makes you feel like a better person.  Friends who protect you, who want to spend time with you, and who love you. 

"Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter:
whoever finds one has found a treasure.
Faithful friends are beyond price;
no amount can balance their worth.
Faithful friends are life-saving medicine;
and those who fear the Lord will find them.”
-Sirach 6:14-16

Mislabeled

Did you know?  Milky Way Candy Bars and Three Musketeers Candy Bars labels were switched accidentally when they were created?  That's right!  Milky Ways are supposed to be called Three Musketeers and vice versa.  So when you eat that Three Musketeers, with the milky middle, you're actually eating a Milky Way.  And when you eat a Milky Way, with it's three components:  caramel, chocolate and nugget, you're actually eating a Three Musketeers!  Fact!

As a child, I was full of mischief.  I was always getting into trouble.  I had one particular habit that caused the adults in my life to go mad.  I would sneak into the pantry and remove labels from the cans.  Nobody had any idea what was in those cans until they opened them.  "What are we having for dinner tonight?" became a mystery game.  We might be having tomato soup.  We might be having dog food.  It all depended on luck. 

Labels are important.  They tell us what's inside.  But that's all that they do.  The thing inside the can doesn't change depending on the label.  My uncle worked for a canning company for many years, and you wouldn't believe how often the right thing gets put inside the wrong can!  Sometimes we would come home and find stacks of soda boxes on our front porch, left there by my uncle.  He and his co-workers would get to take home the mislabeled soda for free!  They had a lot of it, too!  This was exciting for us as kids, because we had a ton of free soda.  However, you never could be certain what was inside that can!  You might think that you're drinking Cola, but it could be Lemon Lime.  You wouldn't know until you tasted it.

Labels are important to a certain extent, but they are not always trustworthy.  We use labels to mark people as well.  "That person is a jock," or "That person is rich," or "That person is Catholic."  The labels help us to identify what kind of person we are encountering, but there is only so much stock we should put in those labels.  Labels are loaded with connotation. 

When you remove all of the labels from yourself, what are you left with?  If I were to take away all of my labels:  Youth Minister, daughter, home owner, pet owner, American, runner, movie quoter, etc., all I'm left with is Krissy.  What is Krissy made of? 

Obviously (I hope it's obvious), I'm not talking about the physicality of a person.  Yes, we are all made of bones, muscle, skin, hair, teeth, organs, etc.  I'm talking about what makes me Krissy.

Krissy is a child of God.  End of story.  You'll find that when you throw away all of your labels, that you are also a child of God!  That's what it comes down to for every individual.  That means that we are all created in God's image and likeness!  That means that we are all created to love, we are created to create and to work, that our lives are holy, blessed, and set apart.  The way that we display those things changes depending on each person.  For me, it means that I work as a Youth Minister.  It means that I love the teens I work with, I love my family, I love my fellow American citizens, and I love my fellow citizens of the world.  It means that my life is so holy that I try to live it without sin, and that I frequent the Sacraments.  Those are all of the things that I do as a result of who I am.  Remember, we are human beings, not human doings.  I am a child of God.  I do Youth Ministry. 

Find out who you are.  Ask God for His help.  He will show you.  Only when you know who you are can you appreciate who others are as well.